(Quick disclaimer: these lines are for entertainment purposes. There are some jokes in them.)
Oh boy, here we go again! Great to be back at Bayside rolling again, even if 90 seems a tad warm for bowling.
I was very surprised at what I saw last week on the lanes. A lot of the usual studs seemed to struggle (Shout out to Jamaican Jerk!….Looking at you Cheese!…How are ya Railroad!), but many bowlers seemed to have found a magic touch over the summer (Howdy Swanny….Welcome to the league Ginger Ninja, don’t know you, Squeaky G, but I wish I had your average!). Another thing that really stood out to me was how many new faces I saw in Draft League. Welcome to the party! BoPo is a fantastic community of people, please introduce yourselves to your opponents, as you will likely be spending your bowling seasons with them for years to come!
If you aren’t familiar with the lines, we predict the matches using zero proven methods, and try to mix in as many sophomoric jokes and videos as possible. Getting goofed on in the lines isn’t a bad thing; it’s meant to be funny. If you don’t like dumb jokes and videos, or feel slighted by these predictions, best to get yourself a different post on the site to read…the History tab is a great one.
Onto the EARLY matches:
There Will Be Strikes (Hungus) (-1) v. Dick Whitman – A couple of week 1 losers, looking for their first win. I feel your pain, guys. Hungus strategized the first round perfectly and landed Two Tab Tango, who immediately tried to return the favor by not paying for a beer. Whitman went with Gutterboi, and shockingly nobody stole him later in the round….not even his lady.
The Fuge will deliver another batch of great team jerseys tonight, not just for his team but for many others as well, and that kind of karma usually results in good things. Usually.
This will be a close one…I see the sneaky good matchups of David Bowlie over Dump Truck making it close, but in the end give me Hungus over Gboi for the win. And then Hungus will remind Dick Whitman who drinks the milkshakes at Bayside:
Take it easy Hungus! Pay (both of) those tabs next time, Tango. And for those who have not seen the movie, worth a watch. Great performance.
Cocktails and Dreams (Glossy Mexican) (-5) v. Crackerjack – The defending champ Glossy will crush his BoPo teammate Crackerjack and his expansion squad. Note to everyone: Sign up on time….am I right, Cornbowlio?
Sparkles is a strong number 2 to Glossy, and Danks is no match for him. I am giving Crackerjack 5 points, mostly because I do not know a lot of the squad, and maybe there are some ringers in there. For those who don’t know, Danks is a local media star, here he is in action giving our recent weather report:
Mo Problems (Mo $) (-1) v. Seatown – Totally a homer pick, roll Bork Mo $! And while we are at it, everyone name their teams…you can even copy another teams name if you like, seems to have worked well for Thunder!
Seatown carries a 60 pin team advantage over Mo Problems into week 2, but at this stage of the season everyone’s scores are all over the place. At least I hope so, given my team’s average. Narrow Gauge Railroad, Viking, Squatch, and Mo $ really are quite a top 4, and should get a lot of wins this year, starting tonight. Mitch Cumstein and Deputy will not make it easy at all, but in the end give me Twinkle Toes over Strike Tyson for the win.
BoPoSapiens (Cheese) (-3) v. Xander Rolle – Wasn’t expecting to make this pick at all, then I took a look at the rosters. And I realized that Cheese was one of the aces who struggled, Precious wasn’t there, and they still took care of business. This is an early match, so Precious will be there….allegedly. Xander put together a good roster with Tso and T$ aboard, and also added some great karma with MacBalls, even if she likely doesn’t know any of her teammates.
In the end, too much BoPoSapienism for Xander and crew. BoPoSapienism….I like it.
Draughts on Tap (Cheddar) (-3) v. Danny Diesel – Great team name Diesel. Very creative.
Cheddar drafted to win, netting 4 dudes with very solid bowling pedigree, and then added 2 fun ladies in Implosion and Cupcake. Truth be told he might have drafted for the free cupcakes each week. A little sugar rush never hurt as you try to get the ball down the lanes on this short pattern. Southpaw has an injury on his slide ankle, so he is a definite maybe for the match. They won without him last week, though, and I think they will do it again. Cheddar Cheddar Cheddar…the guy has multiple BoPo titles, yet no BoPo team?? Maybe a few more draft victories this season will help Cheddar land a new squad…fire up the Hot Stove!
Diesel ended up with league average leading Rev Lord in round 1. Good thing, because he is going to have to keep rolling that well to get wins. I expect it to go to game three, but Cheddar gets another win. Yo, Anipin Skywalker, beware of the clammy handed high fives from the opposition! Best to use your non bowling hand for all contact with Cheddar.
Pullout Couch (Walter) (-7) v. Pamola Strikes (Doc Moose) – You see, now that’s a great team name, Walter! I have had some successful searches for some fun videos for your team, but I’ll hold off until I write these lines less sober some week….aaah fuck it:
Doc Moose went with Mr. Florida round 1, and he re-paid the pick with a tidy 175 average…Doc Moose demands more of you, Mr. Florida! Do it like they do it in Tampa, baby!
Walter struck gold with the pick of Ginger Ninja in round 4. The guy opened his BoPo Draft life with an open frame, but then rallied with a turkey and now has a 200+ average. Expect a little regression to the mean this week, but Couch will surely up his 170’s average, and I think Walter will cruise in this one. I think we are looking at a semifinalist team in Pullout Couch. And I think we are looking at a loooooong season for Doc Moose:
That clip never gets old.
Dram Llamas (DDJ) (-5) v. Iceberg – In case you haven’t noticed the trend yet, I am picking no teams that haven’t named themselves to win. A team name and shirts create some comradery and that results in better bowling, and that results in wins.
Dick drafted Nut Sauce round 1, and then grabbed our favorite delivery driver Cygnus X1 to start out his squad. And a pretty cool team name, inspired by these videos?:
Iceberg is an expansion squad, but did land All Day Lemay in the mix. Also has one of the great names in BoPo with Biscuit Wheels:
The risk was signing up late for Draft League!! Now you have a team captained by a bowler who’s name is always thought of in relation to a sinking ship…
I didn’t see that twist coming…
The Ex Presidents (Roadhouse) (-3) v. Capt. Insanal – Hey Ruby, Insanal drafted you to create a team name…get on it! Nice to see you got a win last week, because I don’t see a win in the cards this week.
Roadhead stole Badger from Glossy in round 1, and so far its worked well with both of them with 200+ averages. But the rest of the team will have to step it up a bit to get the team some wins. And I think that starts tonight. Maybe. I really have no clue.
Nuclear Banana (Chernobylayne) (-5) v. BTTTTR (Farmer) – Total mismatch on paper. And likely a mismatch on the lanes as well. The original Buy The Ticket Take The Ride was crushed last week by their eponymous brothers/sisters…I mean crushed. For sure the pre-game was a tad aggressive for that crew, but I don’t see it slowing down all that much, especially with Das Ducken questionable for this evening. Jerk, Spare-O and Farmer can all be found next to each other on the stats sheet down below The Fuge….The Fuge!?!?! In fact, Farmer’s team has the worst team average in the Skittles Division! Expect them to raise their averages tonight, but not enough to take down Chernobes and co.
Nuclear Banana was on fire last week, and I am loving the name. Heart Break Kid, Cookie, and Tommy Gunzzz all notched 200s, and a team average over 700 is very impressive. They will not score that well this week, but they still get the comfortable win.
Jerk and Shooter, this is for you:
BTTTTR Also (Thunder) (-5) v. Saint Hexy’s Hooligans – Lets start by thanking Hexy for collecting our USBC registrations and handling the stats again. A task we all appreciate you doing, especially after a big night on the lanes.
Buy The Ticket Take The Ride Also had a team 700 last week with Brooklyn and Twisted Tea on the bench…think about that!! Swanny was a total stud averaging over 210, McX killed it as usual, and Thunder got a 200 to talk shit about for the rest of the season. I think we will be hearing a lot from Thunder this season, as they will be a semifinalist later this fall. He came into this season in excellent shape, and credits a pool workout regimen for it. I was able to get some footage of him this week finishing off one of his workouts:
Gotta love the tighty whiteys.
Tilt A Whirl set the standard for Hexy’s crew last week, and birthday boy Burt The Bandit will look to lead the team this week. Usually the feel good vibes on your birthday lead to big scores…Burt celebrated today at the beach!
Based on that video, looks like Burt is in for terrible scores because all his friends bought you too many shots. I’m not sure they have the horsepower to keep up with BTTTTR Also, so Thunder’s crew will move to 2-0. Boom!
Magic’s Gathering (-3) v. Big Party – Big Party eked out a win last week, while Magic opened with a close loss, in spite of Mama D’s 210 average while her fan kept her cool. She’ll need the fan this week as the summer of hot sun continues in Portland. Seriously the best weather summer I can remember in a long time….and if you’re old like Mama D and I, that’s saying something. In fact, I saw on the news today that 2018 will go down as the hottest and most humid summer since 1940!
Magic has this feeder system of Casco Bay folks that most of us don’t know, but it allows him to draft great bowlers in lower rounds. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Hambone. The guy out-rolled first rounder The Dentist (which, to be honest, isn’t say too much lately), and makes this another team to watch. Semifinalist??
Big Party reunited with his Spirit Animal G-Force, and then boosted his roster with the 1-2 lady punch of Nugget and Too Koops. Local slum lord Happy Feet Pete and Lucky Charms round out this team that will get their fair share of wins…but not this evening.
The Love Boat (-1) v. Titty’s Bangers – Rick Vaughn and The Love Boat will bring great energy all season long, and even get a few wins. Titty’s Bangers are always fun….amIright? But seriously, I am very thankful that both of these teams are in my division, I need some teams I can beat!
Titty’s Bangers had a close loss last week, and Hakeem really wishes he wasn’t averaging a 135 (and a half! Don’t forget about the half!) Buck Ripcord will keep you in a lot of matches, helping get high and total every time he rolls. But the newest owner of a Bayside brick, Jr. Hoss, will make sure Buck has to work for it and contain any large pinfall total differences.
I think this comes down to points 2 and 3 each game, and I think that’s when Rick Vaughn and G Unit take care of Lala and Lefty.
The Love Boat was a classic show, in the days before reality TV and B List stars would be the passengers on the show and get into all sorts of wacky situations. I mean, look at this amazing scene….70’s TV at its finest:
Have fun tonight everyone. Never forget this is a bullshit beer bowling league, so lock in your A game both in the party and on the lanes. Set ‘em up, party down!