A quick glance at the new teams in BowlPortland.

Genuine Expansion Teams

Guns Of Brighton (Thursday): A bit of a house team for Bayside, captained by former BoPoer (Hawse Pipe)/current lane guru Invisible Hand.  He’s pulled together a crew of Bayside vagabonds and plugged in the BowlTron 3030.

Duchess (Thursday): I don’t know what this team will be called, but it will be run by some combination of Duchess (Casco Bay League) and Snapshot (every league, seat at the bar).

Turkey Club (Tuesday): A gang of Monday night heroes who’ve been beating up on PortSports and are looking for more of a challenge.  They’ll get their first taste on opening night against the defending champs.

Spin-Offs

The Steves (Tuesday): May change their name to Back in Black.  These are the dudes from Team Micaela, but they went out on their own.  They’ll bring in Gutterboy’s Mom (no relation) to make sure they are ok.

Cunnning Linguists (Tuesday): Built from the remains of Shambles, Col. Angus will take the reins and push the oral sex puns.  He brings in La Gatita, Pauly Ringwald and a few lane regulars to go with the returning and much improved Gutterslut.

Name Changes

Tequila Mockingbird - used to be White Whale, used to be Dirty Half Dozen.  Continuing their literary tour.

Last year there was a lot of preseason chatter and consternation about a newly assembled team made up of high-caliber BoPo players.  The low-on-rules structure of the league was thought to be under serious doubt with no way to prevent this new super-team from straight dominating the league.  They were derisively called the Miami Heat by their detractors.  Well, much like their namesakes, they failed to win a title, two original 12 teams battled in the finals, and the league survived.  In fact it got better.  Teams from 1-36 seemed to enjoy themselves, scores continued their gradual climb, shots were drunk, and people smiled and danced.

That was 2011.  Now we are facing a similar threat, but a seemingly much more daunting one.  Instead of a super-group of BowlPortlanders, we have a new team entering the league that is a super-group of actual league bowlers.  For now, let’s just call them the Heat.  Or maybe the Eagles.  You’ll see them in the standings as The Steves, and they present the latest challenge to the rules-free structure so carefully maintained over the first four seasons.  The Steves boast House Pro Stevie Strikes.  His two 300’s on the wall and 225 draft league average are probably all that need to be said about him.  They also have Bama, the tempermental wunderkind with the sweet stroke but a hatred of walls.  On the ladies side they have Made In Japan, whose average will climb precipitously as she has been bowling an average of 19-22 games per day for the last month and shows no signs of going away.  Oh, and Gutterboy’s Mom, who is some sort of semi-pro bowler who will be disappointed if her scores dip below 200.  The final piece of the puzzle is Gutterboy.  He has a strong game and would be the ace on most teams, but on this team he’ll be needed in his nbon-bowling capacity.  The only Achilles Heel for these guys will be their lack of cohesion.  They will grow accustomed to being the big bad bullies, but who will right the ship and keep them together if they ever face any adversity.  That will fall on Gutterboy.

So, that’s The Steves.  Or, The Heat II.

At first glance there are a few teams that can at least contend, but who can the fans get behind as a feel good story to knock out the big bully?  You always have to start with defending champs.  In our case it’s two-time winner Off Constantly.  They always overachieve, so you have to keep them in the conversation, but these all-americans certainly won’t generate the underdog fan support.  Also unlikely to gain that slice of support is BEER.  They are looking for a third straight finals trip, but the BoPo crowd has a hard time cheering for Cheddar and Hungus (despite the amazing fan support for TR and Coco Lopez).  Last year’s Heat?  Maybe.  They have the talent, they have upgraded from last year’s team in both bowling terms and team cohesion.  Plus, they no longer have any sort of target on them.  Valley Girl Jess could contend for league MVP.  Then there’s Still Livin’ On A Spare, who get back a healthy Mr. Stiffy, plus Precious and Double Cheese (who won draft league MVP).  Binga’s also is part of any championship conversation, though this year they are a bit more off the radar.  They certainly could get the fans behind them.  This will all shake out in a championship battle on April 14th.

Between nopw and then we have 14 weeks of drinking, bowling and stories to create.  2012 is going to be a great year.  Hell yeah Season 5!

There will be a full season preview coming out with all the teams and all the storylines.  Stay tuned.  In the meantime don’t forget to sign up for the Bayside Bowl Holiday Hat tournament on Dec. 29th!

I think I guessed wrong about 80% of the time on these playoffs.  That’s what you get with teams this even.

In the end, The Drive Thrus won the title in thrilling fashion, 10-5 over Autodraft.  You can’t ask for anything more than a game that is completely up for grabs in the 10th frame of game 3 and that’s what we got.  Knuckels spare pick up in the 10th after Chernobes’ big strike put the game away.  Chedds, Hootie, Invisible Hand, Double Cheese, Knuckles…job well done.  Don’t forget to give McBooth his/its share of the $600 you won.

Playoff MVP: Double Cheese.  Maybe this year Still Living On a Spare lives up to their potential.

Allow me to disagree with me.  Scenarios that would upend my predictions.

Autodraft wins 8-7.  (How it could happen) Stevie Strikes rolls 276-300-256 series for all three top points and three overall points.  Barry Violet channels his inner ultimate player to roll 189-173-183, and Chernobes regains her touch to average 150.  Hot Sauce has one too many Jamo’s shots, and La Gatita has a game with 5 splits.

Drive Thrus win 8-7. (How it could happen) Cheddar gets his groove back, averages a 220 and beats Gutterboy three straight.  Double Cheese rolls 187-221-190 to take all three from Nuber One.  Invisible Hand shakes off last week’s benching to beat Rufio 2 out of three, then quits the team before the finals.

Finals: Steve rolls another 300, Barry Violet gets nasty with a 244-169-198, and Lt. Striker has the game of his life, edging Double Cheese 206-203 in game 2.

Or, more likely, my original set of predictions are right.

Now we are down to 4, and at the end of Tuesday night we’ll have 1 team celebrating while the rest just shuffle off to focus on BowlPortland.  First games start at 6pm, finals follow.

#5 Team Gutterboy (-1) vs #1 Drive Thrus:  The Drive-Thrus fell down 5-0 to an inspired, Oz-led #8 team before rallying back and escaping with an 8-7 win.  They may pay a karmic price this week however, as Invisible Hand never got to play.  Now he will be counted on with Booth out of the picture.  Team GB will take advantage of that break.  Gutterboy may have a tough PT decision with Hugh Manatee, but he’s got Rufio grabbing points.  I think they fall behind early and pull out the win late.

#3 4 Boobs and Some Nutz (-3) vs #2 Autodraft:  I know, I picked against Autodraft last week too, but this team they are missing T-$.  Without him I don’t think they have the depth to win this match.  The Boobs knocked out the Sweats last week, and the Sweats’ scores were good enough that they would have led against any other opponent.  Walter is the catalyst, but last week Gutterslut stepped up, including finishiong game one with 5 straight strikes to steal the 2nd place point.  These guys have it going right now.

CHAMPIONS

I think the Boobs/Nutz are the team to beat with T-$ and McBooth out.  Walter and Hot Sauce are trying to erase all their bad playoff memories with a magic run, and La Gatita would love to captuire her first Bayside title.

First a reminder: Bayside opens at 7:15 tomorrow.  We have a private party here beforehand.  We will open up practice around 7:30 and start games 15 minutes after.

#1 Drive Thrus vs #8 Strike-A-Thon

Strike-A-Thon has already felt the playoff pressure, having to win big in week 11 just to punch their ticket.  Their reward is a draw with the top ranked team, but these playoffs are more NHL than NBA, and an 8 over a 1 is really not that far fetched.  Give The Drive-Thrus their due for pulling out the top seed in a very competitive regular season but that matters little now.

Matchup to watch - Cheddar vs Oz: Look no farther than the top dogs in this game.  These two guys will set the tone for their teams.  They relish playing one another and finished 2nd and 3rd in the league in average.

X-Factor - Tom Richards:  TR has big game mojo, and a team can feed off his energy.  How will BEER teammate Cheddar handle facing that unbridled Hacksaw enthusiasm?

Bottom Line:  Too much depth for Drive Thrus, with booth Booth (#14) and Double Cheese (#17).  Drive Thurs will advance, but will be losing Booth for the semis next week.  Drive Thrus 9 Strike-A-Thon 6

#4 Catalina Wine Mixer vs #5 Team GB

Catalina was the surprising league leader for most of the year, seeming to have connected well as a team and playing better as a group.  Team GB has been all over the map.

Matchup to watch - Coco/Coucou vs Rufio:  Ladies night!  These are the 3, 4, and 5 ranked women and they will battle all night.  Coco and Coucou may have more pressure on them as their team has lost Redonk to a wrist injury.

X-Factor - Peanut Gutter: The Catalina captain has been pretty quiet, giving more playing time to his teammates than himself, but with Redonk injured, PG needs to have a big game to get his team to the next round.

Bottom Line:  Closest game of the night.  Team GB pulls it out late while a dejected Redonk nurses his injuries.  Team GB 8 Catalina Wine Mixer 7

#2 Autodraft vs #7 Green Bowl Packers

Autodraft is the 2 seed, but they have seemed like the top team.  Stevie Strikes averaged a 222 and just rolled another 300 this week, and for much of the year teammate T-$ was right with him.  An impressive 1-2 punch, but one the the Green Bowl Packers may be uniquely able to match.  After struggling for the first 9 weeks, the Jerk got his groove back and is now rolling with confidence.  Meanwhile Bustah puts up more 260’s around Bayside than anyone.

Matchup to watch - Busta vs T-$:  Jerk will take the bullets for his team trying to hang with Stevie Strikes, leaving this matchup as crucial.  Both of these guys have the ability to put up a 700 series, and if either starts strong, lookout.

X-Factor - Uncle Jesse: There’s no saying what Uncle Jesse might do.  While that was a good strategy for dealing with Boss Hogg, it makes his captain sweat it out.  UJ has the potential to change the game.

Bottom Line:  Upset alert.  Steve will roll his crazy games and get those three points, but unless Chernobes or Barry comes up big, the Packers’ depth will make the difference.  Green Bowl Packers 8 Autodraft 7

#3 Chemical Sweatpants vs # 6 4 Boobs and Some Nutz

These two teams swapped positions in the final week but still end up facing each other.  A rematch seems destined after a hard fought 8-7 Sweats win in the regular season.

Matchup to watch - Cookie vs Hot Sauce: Hungus/Tso vs Walter/La Gatita promises a lot of intrigue but genearlly you know what you’ll get.  That can’t be said for Cookie and Hot Sauce.  Both show flashes of making the leap, but then have occasional steps backwards.  If either of them is feeling it it will make a huge difference.

X-Factor: Gutterslut: His 151 average looks innocuous,  but at practice tonight he put up an impressive 3 straight 200+ games.  Hmmmm.

Bottom Line:  The Sweatpants are shorthanded with Slow Roll on the road, and will all be rolling all night.  Not sure how La Gatita will play her lineup.  The Sweats have impressive team unity for a draft league team, and I think they pull out another nailbiter. Chemical Sweatpants 8 4 Boobs and Some Nutz 7

Tuesday, Nov 29th, 7:30PM

#1 Drive Thrus vs #8 Strike-A-Thon

#4 Catalina Wine Mixer vs #5 Team Gutterboy

#2 Autodraft vs #7 Green Bowl Packers

#3 Chemical Sweatpants vs #6 4 Boobs and Some Nutz

SEMIFINALS AND FINALS ARE TUESDAY, DEC 6th, starting at 6:00 PM

#7 Green Bowl Packers (-3) vs #8 Strike-A-Thon:  This is the game with the most playoff implications.  The Packers cruised past a shorthanded Sweats last week to all but punch their playoff ticket, and Jerk has regained his form.  Strike-A-Thon is currently sitting in 8th, and everyone behind them is hoping they lose.  They have a 2.5 point edge on Das Boot, and 5 point lead on underdogs XX Chance Missed.  Oz will try to carry them across the finish line.

#4 4 Boobs and Some Nuts (-3) vs #9 Das Boot:  Das Boot needs to outscore Strike-A-Thon by 2.5 points somehow, but they are facing a solid team.  La Gatita and her Saucy Posse won’t roll over for them - they want a higher seed themselves.  Pauly Ringwald will need to rebound this week, and Ali will have to step up as Captain to get enough points.  Should make for fun watching.

#2 Drive Thrus (-5) vs #10 XX Chance Missed:  XX is trying to pull off a miracle comeback and sneak into the tournament, but they don’t have an easy draw.  The Drive Thrus have a singularly focused Big Cheese and an on-fire Double Cheese.  Natro can’t do it alone for XX.  Who will rise up to help him?  They need at least 9 points to have any chance of making it.

#5 Team GB (-13) vs #12 Shot Pot Honey:  Ho-hum.  Team GB should get a big boost in the standings with this one.  Unless of course L.S.S. finally stumbles on the magic roster combination of her ever rotating crew.

#6 Chemical Sweatpants (-5) vs # 11 Dick’s Picks:  The Picks have nothing to play for, though the Dr. insists that will free them. You know how much he hates competition.  The Sweats get their Captain and Slow Roll back, and are just playing for playoff positioning.  Hungus is three pins behind Pistol Pete for 4th place, so maybe that will turn into something.

#1 Autodraft (-3) vs #3 Catalina Wine Mixer:  Catalina has been in first for a long time, but now are in third and face falling even further.  They are pretty even keeled so i doubt it will bother them.  Autodraft is back where they feel they belong, and look to wrap up the top seed.

Stats are up, and I noticed that the year 1 top average would be 24th in Draft League.  Nice work, BoPo.  We’re getting better!

Lines up tomorrow for the big final week showdowns

I am back from my vision quest.  Here are some items of note heading into the last week:

Autodraft, Drive Thrus, Catalina Wine Mixer, 4 Boobs, Team GB and Chem Sweats have clinched playoff spots, though seeding is up for grabs.

Green Bowl Packers need 3 points against Strike-A-Thon to clinch.

Strike-A-Thon needs 12.5 points to clinch.

Das Boot needs some help.  They are 2.5 behind Strike-A-Thon.

XX Chance Missed needs a huge upset over the Drive Thrus and some help, trailing S-A-T by 5 and Das Boot by 2.5

Dick’s Picks and Shot Pot Honey look to end their seasons on a high note.