From Lou Dawg (the guy in green shorts), Young and the Bowled

Urban Achievers 14 Young and the Bowled 1

Sometimes with BP’s wacky points system, a 14-1 match can be a lot more competitive than the final score might suggest – this, however, was not one of those instances.  Under the bright lights of the big Game(s) of the Week stage, The Urban Achievers put on a rip-roarin’, ass-whoopin’ exhibition.  La Gatita and her band of pin-slayers solidified their place amongst the giants of BowlPortland, while the impressive femme fatale continued her freight train campaign for Rolla’ of the Year.  J Hammer, M Knuckles, and D.R.M.A. are all happy to be along for the ride, plenty proud of their team’s flourishing as an equal-opportunity destroyer.

On the other side of the score, The Young and the Bowled picked the wrong night to turn in a sub-par performance.  It was a lesson in humility for the Gang Green, as they got their little green heinies racily spanked; and while spankings usually excite and arouse this sassy bunch, Captain LouDawg was suffering from a bad case of ‘whiskey balls’ and the whole team agreed that, “coach’s words are less inspiring when he’s drunk and slurring.”  The YBers did score some moral victories, though, with Pistol Pete breaking the 200-barrier and Senator ITZ getting back on the ballot.

From Dr. Thunder (the guy with no sleeves), TDYOB

TDYOB 15 UREA! 0

Quite frankly the drinking year of bork has been lucky this year, with the wins and the fact that everyone they have rolled against has been an absolute blast to hang out with and UREA! was no exception.  UREA! was shorthanded due to T$ injury and had 4 people and TDYOB had four folks show as well.  UREA! quickly admitted that they were an expansion squad “as you will soon find out.” to which the borkers stated we too are an expansion team.  So right away, of course, Roy Munson felt the borkers were being sandbagged and called us in for a team chug.  Unfortunately UREA! was feeling under the weather and were not really imbibing too much but it didn’t stop them from having a blast and knocking down pins.  The Borkers also had Roy and Spooky’s 1 year old son in attendance who we quickly named DaFino.  Fortunately DaFino after a spat of trying to steal prizes and hand out shoes behind the counter feel asleep.  As the games got started UREA! said to the Borkers, “We thought you were an expansion team?”  To which the borkers responded, “We are, but we are also a bunch of 30 year old losers that consider ourselves athletes and pretty much roll 6 games a day here for the hopes of getting into the 150’s.”  Knuckles, T-Roll, J-Brid,and The Spade all broke it down on the dance floor and killed some pins, but in the end the borkers were too much for them as Spooky roared back from her vacation lay off and the Dr. (who won 2 of the 3 games over Roy and the Sheriff by the way….) Roy and the Sheriff all got each other fired up with safety meetings and flexing competitions.  How many push ups at Coach Paul’s can you do?  In the end Knuckles put it best when the Dr. missed yet another easy spare, “I love it when you freak out.”  The Dr. summed it up by stating, “This is the best night of my life!” and it had nothing to do with winning or losing a bowling match up, we are lucky with what we have in Bowl Portland, you don’t see many competitive venues where competitors jump up and celebrate their opponents great plays.  Roll BoPo……

From Oolie (the guy who loves Party In The U.S.A.), No Pins Intended

Off Constantly 15 No Pins Intended 0

It was clear early on that this Goliath had no respect for David.

No Pins Intended assumed that Off Constantly would have staked out the lanes an hour early just to get in the groove, but no – they skipped the warm-up altogether and strolled in with just enough time to lace up their shoes, and step up to the line. You could practically smell the arrogance oozing out of their pores. It was rank - like a slow jog past the East End shit-plant tanks.

While in theory, NPI could have seized the chance to sprint out to a lead while the juggernauts lumbered to loosen their steely joints and find balance, OC’s dominance was established by mid-game and NPI was fighting for one - maybe two points. Dick Liquor faked an injury and put the rumor mill in motion to suggest that his “stress fracture” was going to somehow adversely affect his game. He struck out the 10^th frame – quelling any hopes of hot-to-trot Captain Wut What or Oolie grabbing the glory of top point.

If Off Constantly did show any stress, it was due to the fact that they had no answer to the ever-present gyrations and boisterous frolic of a fabulous team united in the true spirit of BowlPortland. OC’s modus operandi? A boycott of all merrymaking, Knuffi fluttering her long lashes at passers-by, two sets of twins acting out their own Doublemint ad/Twilight Zone episode hybrid, and a general sittin’ on their duffs ‘til it was their particular name with the blinking arrow.

While the Ram brothers tried to improvise with an insatiable thirst for Allen’s Coffee Brandy and a bar that had 86’d milk, and T-Wrex v2.0 rocked out her fave pair of spandex pants, Diesel continued to improve upon her very effective “Arabesque” ( http://bit.ly/a0OWKX ) bowling style.

Long story short… Off Constantly pulls 9^th and 10^th frame miracles out of their asses to destroy the dreams of would-be heroines and heroes.

From Chupacabra (legendary goat-killer), Roll Another

Three Livers 10 Roll Another 5

From the backwoods of the state that is cognitive dysfunction I am going to attempt to recap the pin crushing mayhem that went down on greasy lanes 11 and 12 last night.

Both teams in the match up were in fact originals of the league, bringing with them nearly 3 seasons of experience, they both knew very well what it takes to be prolific bowling teams… and thankfully they both decided to take the higher ground and focus on drinking, yelling, and having an all around great time. This however does not detract from the fact that both teams did come to bowl, and bowl they did. Roll Another the five point favorite in the game came out cold, having to mount a late first string rally to take a 4-1 lead into the second string. The second string we saw a 3 livers team that came out with fury, if you follow my theological train of thought I have strong evidence to support the idea that there’s a god for most everything, a god of chicken gravy, a god of shoe strings, and certainly a god of liquor… appropriately on this night the god of liquor smiled down upon the faithful 3 Livers crew. The second string saw 3 livers surge back with a 4-1 stomping, it was obvious the liquor was taking hold and for Roll Another this meant that their perfidious relations with the liquor gods this season left them with no choice but try hit the bar hard and hope to reestablish a formerly chummy relationship.  Dr.McGillicuddy’s, Crown Royal, Jack Daniels, PBR by the buckets…. but like flossing your teeth for 20 mins before going to the dentist it was obvious we had been slacking. The third sting was a token of 3 livers good faith and through blurred visions and hysterical laughter Roll Another watch as 3 Livers gracefully bestowed upon them a 5-0 pounding.

Written by Dirk McLucky, 3-Fingered Willies

Saucy Posse 12 Three Fingered Willies 3

SauPo came out swinging early in this matchup between the #8 ranked Posse and sentimental favorites Thee Fingered Willies.  Both teams bowled to close to their averages, but, fortunately or unfortunately depending on your point of view, SauPo averages about 100 pins a game more than 3FW.  So, not surprisingly, SauPo rolled to a 5-0 win in game 1.  Game 2 was an almost exact copy of game 1, with both teams staying true to form and SauPo opening up a 10-0 lead.  Game 3 was different.  At least it was different for 3FW.  The 4 Willies who made it to the lanes (Slick Nick, Sweets McCoy, and the Family McLucky) found their inner Pete Webbers and posted a team record 568.  This was not enough to overcome Walter’s impressive 201 and SauPo’s 578, but it was enough for 3FW to avoid the shutout and pick up 3 much needed points.

Wow, La Gatita!  Nice night.

Also, congrats to Splits Happen on their first win.  Now 30 of 31 teams have a win!  That’s awesome.

200+ Rollers:

La Gatita, Urban Achievers 223, 203

Pistol Pete, Y&B 205

Riggs, DHD 213

Cheddar, BEER 203

Walter, SauPo 201

D.R.M.A. Urban  221

Now, the scores.  There was a definite lack of energy in the air last night.  Baseball has its “dog days”, BowlPortland has its “early March”.  Now, though, with only three weeks left, the energy will start returning.  Folks are jockeying for playoff position, and then people realize this thing is fleeting, and the BoPo family only has a few more postgames together.  So, get ready for the exciting final stretch!

Week 9 Scores

Off Constantly 15 No Pins Intended 0

TDYOB 15 UREA! 0

Pinups 12 Wrecking Balls 3

CB O’Nutz 10 ICBING 5

Livin On A Spare 12 Strikes of Hazzard 3

Three Livers 10 Roll Another 5

Pud’s Taxi 10 Lesbowlians 5

Urban Achievers 14 Young & Bowled 1

BEER 8.5 Dirty Half Dozen 6.5

Splits Happen 10 Great Lost Spares 5

Saucy Posse 12 Three Fingered Willies 3

Sweet Rolls 8 Incredibowls 7 (game one in last frame)

Happy Hands Productions 15 Madbotts 0

So, it’s been a quiet week.  At least we’ve had some awesome photos to peruse - thanks Cara.  There are a few schedule changes this week - namely, ICBING and Bowlderdash switched bye weeks, so ICBING is playing Cracked Bowl of Nuts this week.

Game(s) of the Week:

#7 Dirty Half Dozen (-2) vs. #6 B.E.E.R.: Over many scotches this weekend, Filthy, Tom Richards and I broke the league down into seven tiers.  I also fell asleep in a snowmobile helmet.  The point is, DHD and BEER are evenly matched this year, with both teams feeling like they could make a tourney run.  DHD gets the edge here, because they’ve already proven they can do it.

#3 Urban Achievers (-5) vs #5 Young and the Bowled: There’s a big dropoff after #3 this year.  The Urban Achievers are in a no-man’s land (their own tier, one might say, after several scotches), stuck behind Binga’s and OC, but ahead of everyone else.  The Young and the Bowled have taken advantage of a soft schedule, but are about to walk into a meat grinder with the Achievers followed by Off Constantly.  A win would make a big statement.  Lou Dawg’s shorts make a big statement.

The Rest:

#19 TDYOB (-7) vs. UREA!: The Dr. is still riding high over his sleeveless cover shot.  UREA! in a tailspin without T-$, but he could be back.

#4 Livin’ On A Spare (-5) vs. #14 Strikes of Hazzard: Precious may have been a BowlPortland comet, burning bright but only for a brief time.  Uncle Jesse and his boys know a little something about burning, and have made a great move up the standings, but this would take all the stars aligning.

#10 C.B. O’Nuts (-3) vs. #15 ICBING: The Nutz will handle the schedule change professionally, then Bustah Nut will blow up some pins for victory.  ICBING is pretty hard to predict, so let’s just say they’ll bowl and wear plaid.

#2 Off Constantly (-13) vs. No Pins Intended: NPI is paring its roster down to a lean 4 player team, but they continue to face a murderous schedule.  Off Constantly is just trying to keep focused until the playoffs.  At least they have the YB’s pushing for the division crown to keep them motivated.

#16 Pud’s Taxi (-9) vs. Lesbowlians: These teams sought each other out and requested a schedule change  for this grudge match.  Well, wish granted, enjoy.

#18 Roll Another (-5) vs. Three Livers: Here you go Roll, another chance to move up the rankings.  3L is pack to partying, but the bowling has been absent.  Maybe this is the week it all comes together.

Splits Happen (-1) vs. Great Lost Spares: Splits’ first game as a favorite, but could be close.  Unless one of these teams can rack up a huge victory, they’re both staring the play-in round squarely in the face.  Pink bears don’t front.

Happy Hands (-7) vs. Madbotts:  In a way, Madbotts is the “Joanie Loves Chachi” to Happy Hands’ “Happy Days”, a spinoff of Madgirl’s guest appearance on Happy Hands in 2009.  Hard to pick a spinoff to win over the original, but should make for a very entertaining episode.

#11 Incredibowls (-3) vs. #17 Sweet Rolls: This is a nice, solid matchup.  Sweet Rolls may have more depth, but I just have a hunch the Incredibowls will take it.

#13 Pinups (-7) vs Wrecking Balls: Pinups have fallen on hard times, whereas the Wrecking Balls have been there from the beginning.  Maybe they’ve got some momentum after a close game last week.

#8 Saucy Posse vs. Three Fingered Willies: The Willies have been rattled by injuries, but have gamely kept on rolling hard.  SauPo sees a chance to climb to #6.

Lanes:

1 Pinups 2 Wrecking Balls

3 CB O’Nutz 4 ICBING

5 Strikes of Hazzard 6 Livin on a Spare

7 TDYOB 8 UREA!

9 No Pins Intended 10 Off Constantly

11 Three Livers 12 Roll Another

13 Pud’s Taxi 14 Roll Another

15 Urban Achievers 16 Young and the Bowled

17 BEER 18 Dirty Half Dozen

19 Splits Happen 20 Great Lost Spares

21 Saucy Posse 22 Three Fingered Willies

23 Incredibowls 24 Sweet Rolls

25 Happy Hands 26 Madbotts

http://www.mainetoday.com/photoalbum.html?id=11290

POSTGAME AT FLASK

Game of the Week:

#19 Pud’s Taxi (-6) vs. Madbotts: If Pud’s comes through with the fashion plans they discussed at last week’s postgame, this game will be amazing to watch.  Two of BoPo’s most fascinating teams clash!

The Rest:

#10 ICBING (-2) vs. #13 Huevos Rancheros: Two teams heading in opposite directions.  Actually, ICBING just kind of stays put and watches teams rise and fall around them.  Then they giggle sometimes.

#1 Binga’s Ringas (-13) vs. Three Livers: Wings vs. M+Ms.

#12 Incredibowls (-1) vs. TDYOB: TDYOB knocked back to Earth last week.  This is the time of year the Incredibowls traditionally start heating up.

#17 Sweet Rolls (-1) vs. #6 Saucy Posse: Upset alert!  Sweet Rolls welcomed back Sugar Daddy last week and he was all that.  If they can combine him and Hot Tamale, that is sweet and spicy power.  SauPo may be due for a letdown.

Great Lost Spares (-1) vs. The Who?: The Who? picked up their first win last week.  The Spares also have one win.  This may be the best chance for either of them to get a 2nd.

#8 Dirty Half Dozen (-13) vs. Buxton Slingers: DHD has got their dirty game face back on.  Take no prisoners.  The Slingers are steadily improving, but this is too tall an order.  Curious to see what they did with all that cash they won last week.  Lots of ones.

#15 Strikes of Hazzard (-7) vs. Three Fingered Willies: The Willies were bit hard by the serious injury bug.  Damn bugs.  Strikes should cruise tonight, and hoping to slide up the rankings a bit with some good results around the league.

#7 BEER (-5) vs Wrecking Balls: At the 25th Anniversary of WrestleMania, Matt and Jeff Hardy are pitted to face off against each other after several back-stabbing actions on behalf of Matt. At Royal Rumble, Matt knocked out his brother with a steel chair, allowing Edge to defeat him for the WWE Championship and dropping jaws around the WWE Universe. But this was hardly the first instance of a sibling showdown.  Hungus vs. The Dude has offered that drama for three years running.  This year the Dude is struggling, but I expect his best game.  Won’t be enough, though, this BEER team is the best in franchise history.  No offense, Roy G.

#5 Young and the Bowled (-5) vs #14 Roll Another: The Y&B’s haven’t really been tested yet.  Hey Roll Another, if you’re looking for some street cred, tonight’s your night to grab it.

#2 Off Constantly (-13) vs Happy Hands Productions: Drink off! Glad the Hands Family got a win recently.

#9 Gutterballs (-9) vs Bowlderdash: Michael Bowlton will not be distracted by Three Boob Betty.  Gutterballs will not be distracted by Bowlderdash.

#11 CB O’Nutz (-7) vs. #20 No Pins Intended: I don’t have a good feeling about this game.

Last Week: 9-4

Overall: 68-23

Yesterday we set a record for site visits.  Turns out 117 of them were new visitors who had googled “madeleine dupont pinup”.  So, welcome seekers of Danish curling soft-porn, we are happy to have you.

Thought you were done hearing that phrase?  Too bad, especially when we bowled on Mardi Gras.  That, and The Who? picked up their first victory of the season, 11-4 over UREA!.  They added two new players, both of whom broke with tradition and didn’t have question marks at the end of their names (perhaps they know themselves better).  Ichy Poo labeled the win as “the biggest surprise of the season.”  For J-Bird’s UREA!, a first attempt at roster variety failed to pay off.  The one-armed bandit T-$ missed his first game, and the unity built from consistency was broken.  However, and most importantly, this new team showed up big for postgame, earning league respect.  Welcome to the party.  After a statement win last week, the Gutterballs had their hands full with the Lesbowlians, pulling out a 9-6 win.  The Gutterballs continue to make a statement with their tri-breasted mascot (Three Boob Betty), but had hoped for a bigger result the week after upsetting DHD.  They didn’t go out to celebrate, but added, “why go out and drink, when we could go home and f%$#”?  The Lesbowlians did make the postgame, but not sure that’s where their night ended (last I saw they were getting another round of shots).  Trixy had begun earlier, and offered this gem of coaching advice: “1 shot helps you bowl better, 5 does not”.  Apparently Tilt-A-Whirl only had one, as she continues to tear it up.  There is also a rumor of a Butch return.  Stay tuned.  Young and The Bowled manhandled the Great Lost bear 15-0. The Spares have been battling computer troubles, having scoring difficulties six times.  Maybe they need a programmer mascot.  The Y&B’s love them some points, and took their turn here as bullies.  Pistol Pete returned and continues to flirt with 200 (a bit of a tease).  Killer B also seems to be a nice signing.  Their only disappointment for the night was the roughness of the toilet paper.  Gross.  ICBING beating the Pinups is not a giant upset, but beating them 14- 1 is the biggest surprise result all year. The Pinups claim they were busy trying to turn tricks in the bathroom, so maybe that’s why they didn’t show up at all for the game.  ICBING didn’t roll crazy, but took advantage of their opponent’s weaknesses.  “It was like trying to borrow a dollar and getting turned down, then asking for fifty grand instead” noted Peanut Gutter.  Then they got it.  Dirty Half Dozen returned to form with a 15-0 win over NPI, then immediately became cold and condescending.  “Some of us have lives outside the lanes” they said in a reference to not seeming focused early on.  Apparently they were referring to others, though, as they did indeed make a strong postgame showing.  Jeltz left us with this parable I am still trying to decipher: “One summer our Husky, Brutus, killed 3 groundhogs, a squirrel, and a bird.  He was the happiest dog ever.”  NPI lost interest in this one as soon as Party In The USA came on the jukebox.  The Ram Bros. and Wut What actually all over-performed, but Oolie and T-Wrex had dancing ants in their pants.  They call themselves “The Smack Talk Posse”.  The belly flop into the lanes move was impressive.  Pud’s Taxi beat back upstart TDYOB 8-7 in a slight surprise. “When the wind gets a whiff of it’s own behind, that is when we start to shine!” mused Bullett, amongst her many more profane musings and challenging questions.  Pud’s followed up the win with a very strong postgame.  TDYOB had no time for comment, as they follow up losses with stadium runs and crunches, between shots of rye.  The Urban Achievers stomped Bowlderdash 14-1, and left happy that “it’s week 7 and Moose Knuckles still hasn’t pissed anyone off”.  Or so he thinks.  Bowlderdash continues to set the standard for creative naming, and Turkey Sub is pretty much untouchable in the race for best name of a substitute player.  Carrie Okay, dripping in lane oil, added one poetic note after the match. “Slow motion strikes are like lovers coming together on the beach.”  Awww.  Roll Another beat the Madbotts 14-1, but were steamed about what they perceived to be the lack of respect on bowlportland.com. They were also steamed that Smutty is not showing enough cleavage.  Respect the Roll, and the cleavage.  Madgirl’s return was not enough to get the Madbotts in the win column, but they did seem to recapture their mojo.  They plan to step up their fishnetting.  They may be in for a treat next week.  Stay tuned.  Livin’ On A Spare rolled to a big 11-4 win over Huevos Rancheros. Precious had the night’s high score of 238, which he followed with a 92 (”not enough Hootie” he claimed in defense).  The 238 also overshadowed Shithawk’s emergence onto the scene with a 206 of his own.  Ca-caw!  The Huevos are cracking.  Barry collapsed over the foul line.  A-Frame left for the Bahamas.  Bubbes needs to pull off a magic trick to get them back on track.  Binga’$ Ringa$ overcame another off night to pull off a 13-2 win over the Wrecking Balls. The Balls were a spare way from a shocking 4-1 lead but let it slip away, and giving Binga’s a second chance rarely works out.  Binga’s does claim to be surprised they are still in first, maybe admitting that there are some chinks in the armor.  The Balls will have to take consolation in the Dude’s starting to regain his form, and picking up two points without their leading bowler.  On a high note, they did make it to postgame.  Happy Hands broke their slump with a 9-6 comeback win over Three Livers. The Livers had a 5-0 lead before melting down.  They claim that the many years of partying may be catching up with them.  And they blamed Lukass.  Happy Hands had more smiles than words after the game, but do plan to start having their men wear skirts to cut down on restroom time.  Ask Dandy Mountain, it was his brainstorm.  B.E.E.R. got back on track with a 10.5-4.5 win over Sweet Rolls. Cheddar continued his steady excellence, and Charlie’s Angel rolled a big 165, but the biggest news may be Filthy rediscovering the hooker.  Sweet Rolls captain Sugar welcomed back Sugar Daddy (no relation), and he did not disappoint, rolling three straight games of 153+.  Unfortunately they were missing their Hot Tamale.  If they can keep them all together, the Rolls could have a big postseason.  Finally, CB O’Nutz erased the Splits, 14-1. The game got testy when Bustah yelled at noone in particular to “get your patchouli stink out of my lane!”  The Splits, they of the astonishingly impressive handwriting, actually enjoyed Bustah’s “16 pounds of fury” technique.  They referred to their own technique, the Buxton Slinger, as “too hot for tv”.  Luckily, nothing is too hot for Bowlportland, so you can catch a Slinger in the upcoming weeks.  Also, hats off to Splits for their photo finish win at postgame over Pud’s, as they continue to dominate this arena.

Off Constantly didn’t play, but wanted to be quoted.  “Who doesn’t love a good beaver picture?”  Thanks, Tron, for your provocative questioning.

So, did you realize we are halfway done?  Crazy.

Tonight’s postgame is at Binga’s.  I’m pretty sure the beer is cheap.

Game of the Week:

#6 Livin’ On A Spare (-3) vs. #10 Huevos Rancheros: Riding high just a week ago, this looks like the Huevos last stand.  Perhaps caught looking ahead, they took a beatdown last game, and now the Spares are on their tail.  The winner of this battle should have pretty clear sailing to a division crown.  I think the LOSers pull it off if Precious plays.  If he’s out, my prediction would shift.

The Rest:

UREA! (-5) vs. The Who?: This is their UREA! moment.  The league’s quietest team will certainly not trumpet it, but they may pick up another win, and move out of the dreaded bottom six play-in spots.  The Who? might pick up some more glitter.  Quite a punctuation battle

#7 Pinups (-3) vs. #13 ICBING: Both teams have 44 points.  Their team averages are within five points of each other.  The Pinups have high highs and low lows.  ICBING all stick around the middle, but still have highs.  I’ll go with the higher ceiling team over the higher team.

#3 Urban Achievers (-12) vs. #20 Bowlderdash: After an opening night beatdown, the Achievers have been on cruise control.  Bowlderdash drives a car with no cruise control, maybe a busted window or two, but an occasional turbo burst.  Won’t be enough this time.  Their stay in the top 20 may be brief.

#12 C.B. O’Nutz (-11) vs. Splits Happen:  The Nutz are looking to grab some points here, playing the last place Splits gang.  The Splits have been improving their averages every week, and a close match could really boost the confidence of their 33 team members.

Three Livers (-2) vs. Happy Hands:  Everyone glad to see the return to form of Bernie, raise your hands and yell “HANK!”  The Happy Hands’ hands are a little busy for that right now.

#5 Gutterballs (-11) vs. Lesbowlians: The Gutterballs broke out all the stops last week, bringing the sexy (and the nasty) to bear in beating DHD to tie for the division lead.  Now they play a team that they could never overwhelm with those tactics.

#11 DHD (-3) vs. #18 No Pins Intended: The 6ers haven’t seemed to have the same magic this season.  Of course, the last few years they lost in the finals after big regular seasons, so maybe they’re playing possum as part of a devious new strategy.  NPI was starting to get their confidence back before a 14-1 setback last week.  Oolie is back on track, but the Ram brothers need to get in the ring.

#14 TDYOB (-5) vs. Pud’s Taxi:  TDYOB may be shorthanded, but they are playing with an unrivaled focus.  Pud’s is known for lots of things, but focus is not one of them.  Dink, I have your shirt.

#9 B.E.E.R. (-2) vs. #16 Sweet Rolls:  The Sweet Rolls are one of this year’s pleasant surprises.  Sugar and Frenchy have brought in a smorgasbord of new talent.  B.E.E.R. has been strong, but are starting to get desperate to pick up some points.  They will counter the sweets with a finely aging Cheddar.  This may be the night the Filthy Hooker returns to prominence.

#4 Young and the Bowled (-13) vs. Great Lost Spares: Y&B as huge favorites.  The worm has turned. Beware the Bear.

#19 Roll Another (-5) vs. The Madbotts: This could be the perfect matchup for the Madbotts, but they will need their fearless leader Madgirl for the diversionary tactics to work.  Roll Another will try to lash themselves to the scoring table.

#1 Binga’s Ringas (-13) vs. Wrecking Balls: The W-Balls go from a bye week and into the fryer.  Lulu will be nutritionally disappointed.  Binga’s may spend game three getting their host faces on for the Binga’s Stadium postgame tonight.

Last Week: 8-5

Overall: 59-19

So, I started writing some recaps, and I certainly enjoyed your submissions, but then I received a missive from Canada.  Yeah, THAT Canada.  Ladies and Gentlebowlers, after these few game write-ups, I am proud to present the return of…

“The Man From Hope: A Canadian Take On BowlPortland” a.k.a. “The Bang On Chronicles”

Livin’ On A Spare 15 The Who? 0

It takes a man’s man to self-anoint oneself “Precious”.  That man has arrived, and taken the pressure off his teammates in a nice run by the L.O.S.ers. (© Natro).  The team is quietly taking care of its business and has jumped back up in the rankings.  They are also in the running for “Most Likely to Be Swingers”, particularly when hopped up on Liquid Sunshine.  So, for those of you who had an eye on one of these guys but were worried they were taken, you may have a new window of opportunity.

The Who? submitted the league’s best ever answer sheet, decorated with heart stickers and three types of glitter (which looked awesome when it sprinkled all over my suit at work by the way).  There is a reason they are a runaway favorite for “Most Likely to Bring Glue to the Lanes”.   They eagerly anticipate winning so they no longer have to refer back to their other award, The Congressional Medal of Suck.  Oh, Who?, how we adore thee.

Bowlderdash 14 Splits Happen 1

Michael Bowlton has played for kings and queens and to countless sold out arenas, so he was perhaps the least likely to be phased by bowling against a sitting member of Congress.  His steadfastness put his teammates at ease too, and he watched with pride from the bench as they jumped out to a 5-0 lead with big scores from Lois Lanes and Dombomb.  The crooner himself struggled with an 87 in game two, but closed out his evening with a yahtzee and a satisfying 182, only topped by the crisp deliciousness of the Colt 45s they cracked postgame.

Despite having their own press secretary on board, Splits refused to take any questions after the loss.  Perhaps it is best, for it is difficult to synthesize the voices of 25 team members into a coherent one, a lesson Izzy continues to learn.  Happy Birthday, Izzy.

Binga’s Ringas 15 Three Fingered Willies 0

When a team with three fingers loses one third of its players as the Willies have, does that make them two fingered?  If so, this Sparegasmic squad can just buy it back, as their most Munjalicious player took home the $200 50/50 pot.  They also included in their postgame submission a very sophisticated graph that I can’t quite translate to narrative.  It did say that BowlPortland was cool but lowbrow, the tights on the Madbotts were cool and moderately high brow, the lack of snow is uncool and lowbrow, and the Mass. Senate race was uncool and highbrow, among other things.  Good to know.

Binga’s isn’t in the business of counting fingers or feeling sympathy.  They are in the business of chicken wings and turkeys.  Jamaican Jerk showed his first signs of weakness, but the always gregarious Hot Mango Mike continues to put up big numbers.  Actually, his performance raises the question, would you rather roll a 204 and a 99, or two 152s?  Ponder.  The team also admitted it has its eyes set on not just another League Title, but also the award for “Sickest Bong Slides, Dawg”.

Great Lost Spares 8 Lesbowlians 7

And then there were two!  The Great Lost Spares picked up their first win of the year with an exciting nail biter, meaning 29 of 31 teams have picked up a win so far.  Despite being unsatisfied with the tunes, they managed to just hold on to their lead in game three.  This “Most Pink” team really doesn’t like listening to Erykah Badu while rolling, but maybe that dislike drove their focus.

As for the Lesbowlians, team Captain Trixy called the result “shocking”.  “Seriously,” added Downtown, “total shocker!”  No offense.  The team drowned its sorrows with PBR’s and painkillers, after which they all got Tribal Lesbowlian tattoos in a sign of team unity.  “One thing’s for sure” slurred a tipsy Tilt-A-Whirl, “we own the ‘Most Lesbians on A Team’ category”.  True.

Urban Achievers 14 No Pins Intended 1

For a team of inner city children without the necessary means for the necessary means for an education, this team has come a long way.  This week the UA’s put together one of the most complete performances of the year, with only one score all night under 140.  Just when La Gatita started to come down to earth, Pinky showed off her 2009 form.  Throw in some Moose Knuckles and the league is in trouble.

Tuesday, that trouble was all for the No Pins Intendeders, (“Nintendos?” “NoPinIns?” “No entiendos”?).  Oolie continued his personal comeback with a pretty 216, but that was the only ray of light on this night.  That, and their spectacular human pyramid.

ENOUGH ALREADY HUNGUS!  BRING ON THE CANADIAN!

Ok…

Savoring the Olympic flame as it passed from torch to torch beneath the gaze of a five metre high chainsaw carving of a grizzly bear wearing hockey gear and forechecking a parade of Chinese lanterns, my mind chanced upon the unspoken tragedy of the athletic extravaganza just a few flag parades hence. It’s another even-numbered year, and the assembly of Earth’s greatest athletes is still incomplete. Bowlers in every time zone will continue to push their bodies to the limits of endurance and metaphor, dreaming of the day their passion earns official gold medal status.

In happier days one summer in Seoul, bowlers felt the ancient Greek buzz as a demonstration sport. Barcelona proved to be a bad bottle of Cava for strikers and gutterites, and the sport has not been seen in the games since.  As valiantly as the FIQ lobbies the IOC, bowlers must still content themselves with the annual Bowling World Cup. Popular thinking on the movement has become way too uptight. It is time for Olympic bowling advocates to shift their focus 540 ° and apply for entry to the winter games.

Make no mistake: the winter games are struggling. They are the forgotten victims of a forgotten feedback loop, transporting snow by the truckload to replace the snow melted by their media tents.  Already there is talk of awarding the next 45 Winter Olympics to Antarctica, as that would give each Antarctic Treaty signatory country the opportunity to profit from irresistible penguin mascots before snow becomes extinct.  Brazil, the nineteenth signatory country and thus projected host for 2092, is apparently discussing construction of a mega-resort in the Fimbulheimen range named ‘Reno di Janeiro’.

Bowling is a sport the Winter Olympics needs because it is the perfect sport for 21^st century winters.  Whatever side of the thermocline you float on, you are wise enough to know that in winter it’s better to be indoors.  Here is the world sport that creates a perfect world; no need to wrestle with the vagaries of ice and snow. Winter weather is bad weather, and bowlers make it to the alley no matter how bad it gets outside.

Cynics in need of inspiration need look no further than one of the redeeming triumphs of that old stupid century: the introduction of curling as an official medal sport at Nagano in 1998.  The skips and their sweepers launched their ‘curlsade’ 74 years earlier at the first winter games in Chamonix.  After three more auditions as a demonstration sport, the IOC finally heard the beauty of the Roaring Game after Lillehammer. The saga is a stirring testament to the indefatigable resolve of competitors who wear collared shirts and slippery shoes.

If you question whether the struggle to become an Olympic sport is worthwhile, take a gander at the drama on the rink these next two weeks in Vancouver.  Once you become addicted, imagine that your favorite Bowl Portland teams have morphed into international curling titans, battling on the international stage.  The following estimation of appropriate bowling-to-curling team analogies is based on the Week 6 leaderboard, the 2009 World Curling Championships and the remains of some killer Super Bowl chili.

Binga’s Ringa’s : Canada

The host with the most, Canada is the self-proclaimed Eldorado of Curling.  Skip Kevin Martin, the Boss of the Rocks, and skip Cheryl Bernard, who started throwing rocks at age 8, both know that Eldorado has nothing to do with silver or bronze.

Off Constantly: Scotland

The inventors of the sport compete valiantly under the flag of Great Britain, their monarchical landlords.  The athlete-farmer skip David Murdoch and the young, tattooed skip Eve Muirhead want to recreate ‘the stone of destiny’ that put the Scots on the podium in Salt Lake.  Why does Puerto Rico have an Olympic team, but not Scotland?

Urban Achievers: Denmark

The Danes have an axe to grind with the Canadians over the disputed territory of Hans Island halfway between Greenland and Ellesmere Island.  Fatalist skip Madeleine Dupont and poker-faced skip Johnny Frederiksen are looking to make a geopolitical statement with their pick shots.

Young & Bowled: Switzerland

The Swiss are a wolf in sheep’s clothing.  Hard-driving skip Ralph Stöckli, who took silver at the last World Championships, and skip Mirjam Ott, whose rink shoes were stolen last week in Winnipeg, are out for redemption.

Gutterballs: Germany

The two-headed threat from the Bundesrepublik comes in the form of skip Andreas Kapp and his brother Uli.  Equally formidable is the German women’s team skipped by the venerable Dr. Andrea Schöpp, a former wunderkind of the sport who won bronze at the European Championships at age 15.

Livin’ On A Spare: China

The Chinese are new to the sport, but they are learning to dominate. The women’s team, skipped by Bingyu Wang, won the last World Championships. She is the Coco of the Middle Kingdom.

Pinups: United States

Don’t expect to hear much southern twang in these “HARD” calls. Women’s skip Debbie McCormick was born in Saskatchewan and now lives in Rio, Wisconsin. Men’s skip John Shuster is a Duluthian who goes by the nickname Shoostie.

Saucy Posse: Norway

Although the women’s team did not qualify, the men’s team is skipped by a talent the likes of Walter.  Thomas Ulsrud has come close to gold at several recent competitions, and is part of what commentators call “the New World Order” emerging in international curling.

B.E.E.R. : Sweden

The Swedes have a brought case of glögg and a giant bag of nuts and raisins to Vancouver in preparation for a victory party. Skip Anette Norberg, an actuary away from the rink, is the defending Olympic women’s champion, and men’s skip Niklas Edin, a fitness nut like Hungus, is the defending European champion.  The Swedish word for beer is öl and the Swedish word for speed is fart.

Huevos Rancheros: Russia

The proud women of Russia have made the trip alone. The skip, Ludmila Privivkova, and the rest of the team are the self-proclaimed “Girls from Moscow.”  Since one of the primary drivers of success on the curling rink is the ability to withstand cold, this team can never be counted out.

Dirty Half Dozen: France

Without their women, the French men’s team will be miserable but competitive.  Skipped by Thomas Dufour, the French are quite envious of the status curling has in Canada versus their homeland.  They refer to Edmonton as “la Mecque.”

Cracked Bowl of Nutz: Japan

Although the men’s team didn’t qualify, the Japanese women’s team is a rising sun. Skip Moe Meguro was just one frame away from the gold medal game at the World’s in 2008, before the Canadian’s stole a point with a brilliant peel. Revenge is dish best served raw.

Unfortunately, that is all of the countries that qualified for the Olympics this year, leaving the rest of the Bowl Portland teams without a nationalistic curling alias for 2010. The following trivia challenge, however, is open to all teams, and the first correct respondent will be rewarded with a goody bag of Olympic paraphernalia direct from British Columbia:

What countries won gold in women’s and men’s Bowling, respectively, when it was a demonstration sport at the Seoul Olympics?

All in favor of Bowling in 2014 in Sochi say “DA!”