Well, that was exciting.  There were no first round upsets (unless you count #17 over #16), but certainly some close calls. In the end, The Lesbowlians and Wrecking Balls could not hold third game leads and fell despite valiant efforts.  Most of the other games were clinched early.  So, seeds 1-15 and 17 are alive. I’ll talk about the games more in a little while, but for now, the bracket.   Next week, there are two rounds.

6:00 Games:

#1 Binga’s vs #17 Sweet Rolls   —-  #8 Saucy Posse vs #9 Young and the Bowled  (winners meet in late game)

#4 Off Constantly #13 Gutterballs —- #5 Dirty Half Dozen vs #12 Strikes of Hazzard (winners meet in late game)

#2 Urban Achievers vs #15 TDYOB —- #7 Incredibowls vs #10 B.E.E.R. (winners meet in late game)

#3 Livin’ On A Spare vs #14 ICBING —- #6 Huevos Rancheros vs #11 CB O’Nutz (winners meet in late game)

And so it begins.  After 12 weeks and 10 games, all the posturing and maneuvering are over.  For the first time all year results are significant, as winning allows you to play more games.  Groovy.  I encourage folks to come out and watch the play-in games as they have the potential to be high-drama.  Starting at 6:30 sharp, six teams will be playing one game matches against each other.  The winner sticks around for the regular playoffs at 7:15.  The losers start building up that bar tab even faster.

Play-In Games: 6:30

#26 UREA! vs #31 Madbotts: UREA! was built for a one game match seeing as they really only have four players.  T-$ has been stepping up his game and J-Bird has her team poised to advance.  Madgirl will be missing for the Madbotts, and it will be difficult for them without her signature brand of support.

#27 Lesbowlians vs #30 Great Lost Spares: The Spares won this match in the regular season, but in a single game showdown they have no match for Tilt-A-Whirl.  I think the Lesbowlians advance.

#28 Three Fingered Willies vs #29 The Who?: 3FW received an emotional boost when Schizo returned to bowl with a broken femur.  Dirk and Foxy will be a little much for Ichy and her dance troupe.

The 1st Round:

#5 Dirty Half Dozen (-11) vs 3FW/Who? winner: DHD is rolling hot with a final week tie against Off Constantly.  Truth be told they think they let one get away, and they may be right.  Still, the performance has them looking forward to potential rematch with OC in the quarterfinals.  I think they’ll face 3FW, and 3FW will bow out graciously.

#6 Huevos Rancheros (-9) vs Lesbowlians/GL Spares winner: Once again, the Huevos (formerly Derelicte) have quietly landed near the top of the playoff brackets.  They have some tough playoff history to shake, but they have a lot of new faces.  I picked the Lesbowlians to get here as the opponent, and I don’t see them having the rollers to keep up with the hungry farmers.

#7 Incredibowls (-7) vs UREA!/Madbotts winner: Last year the Incredibowls rode the ‘disrespect’ card to a series of surprising playoff wins.  This year they roll in as a favorite (until round 2).  UREA! has finished the season strong, and assuming they get through the play-in, I think they put a slight scare in Boston’s crew for a game before fading.

#8 Saucy Posse (-5) vs #25 Splits Happen: Saucy Posse may be having nightmares about this one.  A high ranking, and an opponent that seemingly has no chance but very quietly has  come together in their last few weeks.  SauPo will have the weight of the world on their shoulders until they grab that first ever playoff W, while Splits has nothing to lose.  If Xander has one of his big nights, and Izzy pushes all the right buttons, this could be a tense one.  Walter will try to make sure it isn’t.

#9 Young and the Bowled (-3) vs #24 No Pins Intended: No first round game has more drama.  First off, several Y&Bers were rumored to be joining No Pins before the season started, only to pop up on a rival roster.  Accusations of player-stealing ran rampant.  Old friends Lou Dawg and Oolie were pitted against each other.  The Y&B’s rose as high as 6th in the rankings before a late season swoon.  No Pins started the season ranked high, never to fulfill the predictions.  That said, Oolie has has team fired up for this one.  Captain Wut What is driving non-stop from Albany to make opening roll.  Meanwhile, Lou Dawg is scrambling to fill a roster spot after negotiations to reschedule broke down in acrimony.  If you’re just hanging around, grab a front row seat for this one.

#10 B.E.E.R. (-3) vs #23 The Wrecking Balls: Perhaps the second best 1st round storyline, as the Mitchell siblings face off once more.  Games between these two franchises always finish close.  If they had matched up lat week, the Balls had the score to have pulled off a three point victory.  While Swing has played very well the rest of the team has underperformed, but they have the history to show they are dangerous.  The Dude has yet to roll a 200, and since pressure rolls off his shoulders, this could be the time.  If I-Moan is around and Lefty finds a nice line on the left side, there could be trouble.  B.E.E.R. meanwhile is hoping to ride the camraderie built on a road trip to Vermont (see below).  On paper, they should cruise.  But Filthy and Karl both struggled mightily in the Green Mountain challenge, so Cheddar and Fern will be crucial.  Oh yes, don’t forget Tom “Hacksaw” Richards.  Last week, the plaid pants and margaritas returned, and Tom was lights out.  Expect the tequila to flow.

#11 CB O’Nutz (-5) vs #22 Bowlderdash: If any Captain has broken down the numbers and immersed himself in scouting reports, it would be Michael Bowlton.  He has been tracking scores all year, poking holes in my stats.  His team may have lost some momentum with two byes in the last four weeks, but I’m sure he’ll have them ready.  The Nutz will be ready for them, however.  Peanut proved in Vermont she has ice water running through her veins, and her teammates will react to that calmness with a quiet confidence of their own.

#12 Strikes of Hazzard (-3) vs #21 Three Livers: If nothing else, this one should be a party.  Two happy-go-lucky teams collide in a playoff match that is likely to have the least tension of any contest this Tuesday.  The strikes can’t believe they ended up so high in the rankings, and ae planning to let Uncle Jesse and Mabel Tillingham drive the General Lee.  The Livers may be able to raft dwon from The Forks for this one if this rain continues.  That would be pretty awesome.  I just hope they bring the M&M’s, and finally achieve their year-long Deal or No Deal ticket goal.

#20 Roll Another (-1) vs #13 Gutterballs: C’mon, I had to pick at least one upset, somewhere and this is as good a one as any.  The Gutterballs have stumbled across the finish line, sex toys in tow.  Rusty Nail has stayed in the Top 10, but his teammates stayed back at week 9.  Roll Another are a veteran squad, going into their third playoffs.  They’ll need big nights from Uncle Buck and The Package.

#14 ICBING (-3) vs #19 The Pinups: Oh man, how the Pinups have fallen.  The Chunk retirement in mid-season shot through them like a bullet, and no one has bowled the same since.  Big Ern never stemmed the tide of disappointment.  This team looks DOA.  ICBING hasn’t exactly been on fire, but Fabio should give them enough to cruise to the Sweet 16.  Oh, and the BoPo NCAA Bracket contest comes down to Peanut Gutter (Duke) or Clarified Gutter (W.Va).

#15 TDYOB (-3) vs #18 Happy Hands: This was a quiet season for Sasha and the Hands.  They had some ups and downs, but mostly just went about their business.  I don’t know what to make of that, but I do know Sasha was fierce last week, giving pause to any playoff opponent.  Dr. Thunder thinks that, like a shark, to pause is to drown.  His team only goes forward, and that aggressively.  They hope to devour some Turkeys on their way to a Sweet 16 berth.

#17 Sweet Rolls (-3) vs #16 Pud’s Taxi: The Uh-Oh Bowl, as the winner earns the minimally fun showdown with Binga’s in the next round.  Sweet Rolls is a deeper team.  They have a significantly higher average.  It would be an upset in seed only.  Pud’s has confidence, and a roving dance party.  They will be rocking moves ibn the lot postgame, win or lose.

BoPo vs Whisky Gutterball: Showdown on Champlain

Around 1:15 on Friday afternoon, I pulled up to the Marginal Way park and ride and saw eight BowlPortlanders standing at attention, waiting to catch a ride to glory. I honked, we loaded up in our white 12 passenger van, and with a few awkward giggles and comments such as “this is really weird” we were off. The first hour was uneventful, really: I learned to drive a van, swerving to and fro but making steady Vermont-ward progress, and our rollers finished their first 12 pack. The awkwardness was coming off.

Two hours in, and I made what turned out to be a fateful decision - stopping at the New Hampshire liquor store near the junction with 89. It was an event that would have a profound effect on the rest of the day. In the short term, the only noticeable result was Dick Liquor’s repeated urinations in a bottle in the van, and the sweet aroma of Crown emanating from the back rows.

Next milestone: an incredible Vermont rest area. Your BoPo reps are not yokels -we are a worldly bunch - but we took in the pleasures of this rest area as if we were seeing our first electric light or indoor plumbing. This rest area had all sorts of delights. Free coffee (it was a bit watery but I am assured by some of the passengers it tasted great with some Kalhua), rocking chairs so ingeniously crafted it felt you were sitting in a living cradle of midget hands, urinals that not only recycled water but told us that the water in them wasn’t potable, and a gorgeous arboretum with the heat and scent of life itself. I can not say we weren’t a little intimidated by Vermont’s wiles.

From that stop on our minds locked in as one on the challenge awaiting us at Champlain Lanes, and the miles separating us from destiny ticked down one by one. The unity was on tremendous display with beautiful, deafening harmonies filling the van in singalongs of Afternoon Delight and Cracklin Rosie. Say it now, say it now!  What only four hours before was a collection of individuals was now a single  bowling and singing organism. BowlPortland was alive.

Vermont continued its attempts at seduction, throwing open stunning views of Lake Champlain and mountains as we rolled into Burlington looking for beer.  We would not be dissuaded, we were here to wreak bowling havoc.  A few happy hour beers were the last pieces of the puzzle, and after a quick drive out of downtown, at 7:40pm, our van pulled up to Champlain Lanes. We were the first to arrive.  Actually there was one Whiskier to welcome us, but we definitely had the numbers.  Players were chomping at the bit to try out the lanes.  The horrible psych-out trick of trying to convince us there was no bar at the lanes was overcome, and we quickly assumed our more natural stances of one hand extended slightly ahead of the body on a bent-elbowed arm, fingers lightly gripping a beverage.  We would stand like that until the match began.

At 8:00, we began warmups.  The crazy hookers (Filthy, Dick Liquor and myself) were in for a long night.  As warmups concluded, the teams gathered around a Whisky Gutterball representative who welcomed us with great enthusiasm, and offered up a bottle of Goldschlager to the night’s victors.  Number One grinned a gold-flecked grin, giving away his recently completed head start.  Now, it was gametime.

I had devised an ingenious lineup plan, which was immediately discarded.  After much last minute shuffling, the teams were set.  Let’s take it game by game.

BoPo’s best results came from the team of Number One, Coco, guest, and the shell of Dick Liquor.  Number One recorded the night’s first 200, Coco threw a 196 and other strong games, and this group overcame Dick’s kick-fest on the ball return to pick up 3 of a possible 4 points.  BoPo’s worst results, scorewise, came from my team, at no fault of my teammates.  We were facing WG’s finest, and despite Oolie’s 202, Natro’s 170+, and Fern’s 140+, my 115 contributed to our demise.  The hosts posted a 715 or so.  We were summarily crushed in game 2 as well, despite Oolie’s strong play, but managed to pull it together in game 3, picking up a point.  That made it 4-4.  Meanwhile, the middle lanes were hosting the decisive battle.  The team of Cheddar, Filthy McNasty, Bubbles and Peanut, or “Filthy Cheddar Peanut Bubbles” squeaked out a game one win, and narrowly lost game 2, with the total pin differential after two games a razor thin 3.  With both other matches completed, all eyes turned to this one.  Going into the tenth frame, this was definitely anyone’s game.  Unfortunately, only Peanut was able to record a mark in the 10th, and the hosts siezed the moment with a strong finish to win the game 3-1, and the event 7-5.  Luckily we brought our own Goldschlager.

So what does it all mean?  It means the beginning of a perfect rivalry between two leagues that seem to have a lot in common.  It means the home team held serve, and the pressure will be on BoPo when WG travels East.  Individual goals were accomplished, as Filthy noted.  Dick wanted to scare them with drinking capacity.  Check.  Oolie wanted to make friends.  Check.  And, after all his attempts to form words had failed for the previous hour, Cheddar grabbed control of his speech functions to ask, at 2:15am on a walk through the park downtown, “Karl, are we drunk?” Yes, Cheddar, yes we were.

Congrats to Whiskey Gutterball for holding serve, and thanks to the BowlPortlanders who made the trek.  This is only the first chapter.  Next time, I won’t get lost in the White Mountains on the way home, either.

Final Score: Whiskey Gutterball 7 BowlPortland 5

Postgame: The Snug

Last one of the regular season, you should really come check it out.  The brackets will be released at postgame, too.

Throwback Week: Wear Your Old Bowling Jerseys If You Have Them

Game of the Week:

#2 Off Constantly (-3) vs #6 Dirty Half Dozen: Two marquee franchises.  One title and three finals appearances between them.  A rematch of the inaugural BoPo championship game.  There’s a lot to like here.

The Rest:

#18 Happy Hands (-5) vs The Who?: The Who? look locked into a play-in game, so not too much to play for here.  Happy Hands can move up a spot or two, but will end up with a seed in the 17-20 range regardless.

#4 Livin’ On A Spare (-11) vs #20 No Pins Intended: LOS making a late season charge, and Natro may have gotten his groove back.  They will get a bye, but if things break right and they put up a huge score, they could end as high as 2nd.  NPI could really improve its position with a win, but more importantly could use the confidence and momentum of a close game.

#10 Young and the Bowled (-3) vs #11 Sweet Rolls: A great matchup here, and both teams could really improve their seeding with a win.  the Y&B’s gained some confidence in a hard fought loss last week, and the Sweet Rolls are eager to get a signature win.

#3 Urban Achievers (-11) vs #14 ICBING: The UA’s have been riding the hot hand of La Gatita.  UA’s could potentially take over second place with a big win.  ICBING will balance things out by bringing some “mellow” to the lanes.

Splits Happen (-7) vs Madbotts: After shocking the Gutterballs last week, another big game for Splits, as they could move out of the play-in round.  They currently sit one half point out.  Madbotts are happy they already picked up a win, and are just here to show some leg this week.

Lesbowlians (-1) vs UREA!: Lesbowlians trying to hold off the Splits Happeners, but could be tough.  UREA! showed some signs of life last week.

#9 CB O’Nutz (-9) vs #17 Gutterballs: The Nutz submitted some depressing writing last week, and I din’t really understand it.  That said, they are bowling well and looking good doing it.  The Gutterballs have gone into freefall since reaching as high as #6 in the standings.  They need something here to turn things around before the playoffs.

#19 Pud’s Taxi (-9) vs Great Lost Spares: This could lead to one hell of a dance party.

#1 Binga’s Ringas (-13) vs #15 Roll Another: There’s not much left to say.  Both teams will probably just be working on some things for postseason.

#5 BEER (-3) vs #8 Huevos: Sibling clash!  Hungus and Bowl Weevil try to exert their elder status on Bubbles’ band.  Both teams looking good heading into the tourney.

#7 Saucy Posse (-9) vs Wrecking Balls: The Posse is trying to exorcise past-playoff demons, and a win here gives them some momentum.  The Wrecking Balls have been an enigma, with the Dude having his worst season, and missing a lot of games.  If this were a playoff game, i might pick it as an upset.  As a regular season match, SauPo should take care of business.

Here we go!  Smack talk has heated up, season winding down, playoff positions on the line, final couple of postgames, beer to be had!

Postgame Tonight: Rivalries

Hope to see you there.

Game of the Week:

#1 Binga’s Ringas (-11) vs #6 Saucy Posse: It doesn’t say much for league parity when the #6 team is an 11 point underdog, but I think it’s a fair line.  SauPo has been looking for an opportunity to prove their mettle.  Well, here you go.  Curious to see if Walter steps it up in a duel with The Jerk, and also to see if Chernobyl Lane will keep rolling like a killa.

The Rest:

#2 Off Constantly (-9) vs #10 Young and the Bowled: Y&B’s were looking forward to this game a few weeks ago, but then got a little bit humbled on the way there.  OC will be rolling again without Dick Liquor.  If Oz doesn’t bring his A game, this one could be hairier than they’d like.

#3 Urban Achievers (-9) vs #8 C.B. O’Nutz: DRMA has risen to the bait, and is now wrapped up in a war he can’t win.  Will it distract him?  If so, the Nutz will be there to take advantage.  La Gatita will get her 3 points, but the rest of the matchups could be close.  A good game.

#4 Livin’ On A Spare (-7) vs #15 TDYOB: At first glance, this looks like a game for the division crown, but then I realized TDYOB has a bye next week.  The Spares could wrap up the title with a big win and a Huevos loss, but TDYOB has been a game opponent as of late, and this is their last game before the playoffs so they won’t be holding back when they bowl and drink.

#5 B.E.E.R. (-9) vs Three Fingered Willies: BEER tends to under perform as favorites, and this game looks like a set up.  There is a lot of camraderie between the two squads, with BEER having traded Pin Whisperer to 3FW after season 1.   This is the last game of the season for 3FW, and we are all hoping Schizo and P-Dubs show up.

#9 Huevos Rancheros (-11) vs The Who?: Lane 22, Bubbles vs Ichy Poo, Huevos Rancheros versus The Who?.  Mad rhyme skillz.

#11 Sweet Rolls (-5) vs #19 Pinups: Once upon a time, Bulj and his Dutch compatriots were ranked as high as five, but they have been in absolute freefall for weeks.  Sweet Rolls is one of the many teams that has passed them, and they hope to ride the hot arm of Frenchy to a big points pickup.

#12 Gutterballs (-11) vs Splits Happen: The Gutterballs are a lottery ticket, and look to grab some much needed points tonight against the well-rested Buxton Slingers.  Xander Rolle has been charging up the standings for the Splits, but now it’s time for Izzy Moxie to lead by example.  Right after she does a Buxton Slinger.

#13 Incredibowls (-9) vs Wrecking Balls: This is the last game for the Incredibowls, and they showed last year they are a late season squad.  They’ll try to accumulate some points and hold a high seed.  The Wrecking Balls will be without The Dude, again, but the captainless crew has experience in self-governance, and should be fine.

#14 Strikes of Hazzard (-9) vs UREA!: Yet another team in their final week.  These guys may be focused on their staches at this point, and therefore be a bit vulnerable.  Plus, Boss Hogg has a burgeoning modeling career.  UREA! appreciates the aesthetic of the stache, but finds it to be of limited utility.

#16 ICBING (-9) vs Lesbowlians: These games all seem to be -9.  Lots of 12-3 games, I guess.  ICBING has admitted finally that they are playing a game within a game, and are locked in a battle in that game: finishing better than TDYOB.  The Lesbowlians are right on the cusp of the bottom 6.  A decent showing here could get them out of that mix.

#20 Pud’s Taxi (-1) vs Three Livers: This promises to be the most exciting game of the night.  It is the closest bowling matchup, but I also mentioned last week that Pud’s was making a serious push on Three Livers’ party crown.  Expect mayhem when they collide. Wait, this should really be the game of the week.

No Pins Intended (-1) vs Bowlderdash: Another great game, potentially.  Two evenly matched squads, Bowlderdash’s last game, NPI down to it’s core crew.  Please, no one request Party In The USA.

Lanes 1-2:Lesbowlians vs ICBING

Lanes 3-4: TDYOB vs Livin on a Spare

Lanes 5-6: Wrecking Balls vs. Incredibowls

Lanes 7-8: Gutterballs vs. Splits Happen

Lanes 9-10: Urban Achievers vs CB O’Nutz

Lanes 11-12: Pinups vs Sweet Rolls

Lanes 13-14: Off Constantly vs Young and Bowled

Lanes 15-16: Bingas Ringas vs Saucy Posse

Lanes 17-18: BEER vs Three Fingered Willies

Lanes 19-20: Pud’s Taxi vs Three Livers

Lanes 21-22: Huevos Rancheros vs The Who?

Lanes 23-24: Bowlderdash vs No Pins Intended

Lanes 25-26: UREA! vs Strikes of Hazzard

Two Events of Note:

1) Come see several bowlers try their hand at modeling this Saturday!

This Saturday night!  Madgirl, captain of the Madbotts, is throwing a mens fashion show in conjunction with a Marion Grace CD release party this Saturday night at Port City Music Hall.  Models will include: Muskrat, Boss Hogg, Max Shipp, Jasper L. Pond, Senator ITZ, Mitten Woodmore and Karl Hungus.  Buy your tickets for the man show!

Info here: http://www.facebook.com/#!/event.php?eid=350364881302

Or just ask Madgirl about it.

2)Big Brothers/Big Sisters Bowl For Kids Sake coming up on March 27th at 10 AM (some of us will be off representing BowlPortland in a grudge match against Burlington, Vermont’s Whiskey Gutterball League)

What is Bowl for Kids’ Sake? Bowl for Kids’ Sake is about having fun to help kids. It is our most important fundraising event. Funds raised go directly toward matching children with carefully-screened, caring Big Brother and Big Sister volunteers. You can be a sponsor, a bowler, or both!If you are a donor, know that your support is helping put Big Brothers and Big Sisters in children’s lives, right here in your community. If you are a bowler, enjoy a fun outing with friends — as well as the satisfaction of knowing you’re making a big difference to kids right here in your community.

Info below

http://somebigsbowl.kintera.org/faf/home/default.asp?ievent=339623

From CBS Sports:

#15 Robert Morris - But while basketball is king in Moon right now, however, bowling’s big. How big? The well-established Robert Morris men’s bowling team are regular national contenders and have produced several bowling professionals. And Colonials basketball head coach Mike Rice even took his boys bowling after the quarterfinals of this year’s NEC tourney to clear their heads.  They were going to need it if they were going to continue their trek and eventually face rival and one-seed Quinnipiac.

So, things have kind of quieted down around BowlPortland. I haven’t been doing writeups, the smack talk board has been limited to Dr. Thunder and Uli trading barbs with an occasional Knuffi appearance, postgames have dried up to around 12-15 people (bringing me closer than ever to Pud’s Taxi).  It’s eerie.  That is, if you aren’t a BoPo vet.  For those of you new to this scene, I promise this is the calm before the storm.

Starting next week, the writeups will return, and with few remaining dates, people will begin coming to postgame to experience the family (bonus note - beginning next year, postgame is at Bayside Bowl every time!)  As for this week, rather than look back, in the spirit of the NCAA blather, I will do some “bracketology” and playoff predictions.  No offense intended to the teams at the bottom.  Heeeeeeeeere we go!

We have a 31 team, single elimination tournament.  Like the NCAA basketball tourney, there are only a handful with a real shot at the title, but some of the most fun stories are the darkhorse teams that pull a big upset or two (Bucknell over Kansas equals Three Fingered Willies over Urban Achievers sort of thing).  So, here’s how I think it breaks down.

The Favorites

Binga’s Ringas and Off Constantly: So what else is new?  Last year they ended up in the same half of the bracket, allowing DHD to reach the finals (and make a very strong showing).  This season they appear headed for the 1 and 2 (or possibly 1 and 3) seeds, setting them up for a finals match.  Binga’s has relied on the golden arm of Jamaican Jerk.  He has led the league all year, and posted an amazing 9 200+ games.  No one else has more than 4.  Danny Diesel has had a few big games, but overall played below expectations.  Hot Mango Mike had a strong stretch, and Buffalo Booth picked up when he needed to.  The real strength has been the emergence of Chernobyl Lane and Valley Girl Jess.  Lane was a late addition, who is now rolling as well as any woman not named La Gatita.  Jess has been a constant.  Binga’s has been sleepwalking a bit lately, but for them that means rolling around 600 as a team and winning 13-2.  They step it up when they think they have a big game.  Them not reaching the finals would be a huge surprise, and if they are going to lose, I think it would have to be an upset in the quarters when Binga’s is taking it easy.  Odds to reach finals: 90%

Off Constantly had a shot at Binga’s earlier, and got handled.  Oz is the clear #2 in the league, and has had only one off week.  Right now, OC is in a little trouble but they have time to recover.  Dick Liquor is nursing a wrist injury and will probably wait til the quarterfinals to reappear.  Tron is near the top 10, but has been slowly fading, as his mulberry ball is difficult to control, an untameable stallion.  Honey Bunny and Knuffi have the potential for big games, and are definitely consistent, but haven’t turned it on yet.  All these concerns stated, however, this team lives for the playoffs.  They are like the anti-Saucy Posse.  I pity their first playoff opponent, because the OC is rolling with a chip on their shoulder.  Odds to reach finals: 75%

The Darkhorse

Urban Achievers: J Hammer is one of the nicest captains in the league, so I’ll forgive the drama of DRMA.  Last year this team got lambasted for being too guy heavy.  They were kind of like the old Pistons Bad Boy teams.  This year, in a totally unpredicted twist, they have remade the team as they “attack with the estrogen, [bowl] against the best of men.”   La Gatita is the runaway choice for Rookie of the Year, and is tied with Oz for second with 4 200+ games.  Pinky, one of last year’s strongest lady-bowlers, has almost been lost in the glare, but has been a consistent force.  Moose Knuckles is rolling well in spite of his unorthodox approach of hurling the ball half-way down the lane in the air.  I can already imagine me wincing every time he tries that throw in my new alley, smashing my precious lanes to pieces.  And then DRMA, he of the uncontrolled rage, is playing really well.  J Hammer just needs to keep that rage focused.  These guys are on a 7 game win streak since their opening week loss, but that loss was to OC, and OC and Binga’s are the gold standard.  So, until they knock off one of those teams, they are locked into this third place limbo.  Odds to reach finals: 10%

The Formidable Opponents

Dirty Half Dozen, B.E.E.R., Livin’ On A Spare: These teams all have shown the ability to put together the type of game it would take to knock off one of the favorites, but have yet to prove they can do it consistently.  In the playoffs, however, you only need to pull it together once to upset a far superior team (think 2007 Giants).  Let’s start with DHD.  They may be pissed to find themselves in this category, as they have reached the finals in both years of BoPo.  They have a nose for the playoffs.  Pirate has been the only constant for DHD this year, and Riggs has played well below his capabilities as he deals with dad-hood.  That said, you never know when Jeltz, Riggs or Harlyn P will throw a 200 game.  When they do, they know Pirate will be there to take 2nd.  Then throw in Lil’ P, one of the most clutch playoff performers in BoPo history (her last frame split pickup against Binga’s in the finals, with her team facing elimination, was exhilirating).  I guess DHD reaching the finals would be the least surprising surprise.  Livin On A Spare has the talent, but they have a short bench, and have yet to prove they have playoff mettle.  Precious burst on to the scene a few weeks back, but has a tendency to follow monster games with strangely bad ones.  Shithawk has learned to fly this year, and could be a dangerous playoff roller.  Then there’s last year’s PDA award winning couple Coco and Natro.  Coco has been incredibly consistent this year, with a 140’s average, and occasional 170-190 scores.  Natro has been on a long steady decline all season, but he has the ability to lead this team on a run.  Alley-Lujah will have to keep this team from getting down after a bad game.  B.E.E.R. has the drive, and they have the Big Cheese.  Cheddar has been a consistent top 5er since his arrival in the league.  He’s the BEER security blanket, but until this year didn’t have the right running partners.  This year Hungus has shown flashes, particularly against the top teams, and is in the top 20.  With his game getting shakier in the last few weeks, Filthy McNasty has come into his own.  If those two get hot in the playoffs, watch out.  Fern, now Charlie’s Angel, and Slow Roll who joined BEER this year, have rolled well in limited appearances.  Then there’s the Bishop and Tom Richards.  One thing that can be said of them is that they have no reaction to pressure, which could serve them well in the playoffs.  Hell, you never know what you’re gonna get from the Hacksaw.  The team will likely try to fuel him with Margaritas for a deep tourney run.  Odds to reach finals: 5% each

The Lottery Tickets

Saucy Posse, Gutterballs, Young and the Bowled: Your chances of winning Powerball are pretty infinitesimal, but you can’t win without a ticket.  This group all has that $1 chance.  They each have the following formula that makes them dangerous.  An ace at the top of their rotation who has the ability any week to put up a 190 avg (Walter, Rusty Nail, Pistol Pete, respectively), a Top 20 woman (N Sauce, Lolo, RR) a number two bowler that can have big weeks (Redonk, Big Ed, Senator ITZ) and a great motivator at the helm as captain (Special Sauce, Daddy TL, and Lou Dawg).  It would take some magic, but as Lloyd said, “so you’re saying there’s a chance!”  Odds of reaching finals: 2.5% each

The Scratch Tickets

Sweet Rolls, Huevos Rancheros, CB O’Nutz, Incredibowls, Pinups: Also playing the lottery, but with a much lower prize if they win.  I won’t break it down too much, but each of these teams is missing one or two of the pieces of the formula that the ‘Lottery Ticket’ teams have, in most cases, the ace at the top of the rotation.  However, these teams all have depth and consistency, so are sitting there if any teams slip up.  The Pinups would be a Lottery Ticket if Chunk hadn’t retired.  The Incredibowls have the confidence born of a long playoff run last season.  O’Nutz has the intensity, Sweet Rolls has the child-like innocence and pure joy, and Huevos has the A-Frame/Barry combo, with the motivation of Bubbles spurring them on.  Odds of reaching finals: 0.5% each

So, that’s 14 teams that won’t be angry at this writeup.  That leaves 17 that might be.  TDYOB certainly will be - I know Dr. Thunder will insist he’s coaching a Scratch Ticket.

The George Masons

TDYOB, ICBING, Strikes of Hazzard, Roll Another: I’m not saying these guys are facing the internal contradictions of a founding father who owned slaves but opposed slavery (huh?), I am saying they are a little like the unheralded school that made an inspiring run to the NCAA Final Four.  These teams would have to shock the world to reach the final four, but at least it is almost imaginable.  ICBING’s Fabio and the Strikes’ Uncle Jesse have both shown flashes of brilliance.  TDYOB is just rolling on sheer determination in the face of overwhelming odds, and Roll Another has been to enough playoffs to maybe surprise a newcomer team.  That said, I’d give you 100-1 odds on any of them reaching the Semis.

The Princetons

Wrecking Balls, Pud’s Taxi, Happy Hands, No Pins Intended, 3 Livers, Bowlderdash: These teams would all have to consider the postseason successful if they could pull a first round upset.Wrecking Balls, No Pins and Three Livers are certainly a little more dangerous than the others, thanks to Swing/Dude, Oolie, and Wilma.  If Bernie or Wut What turned it on, a 3L or NPI win wouldn’t be totally shocking.  I don’t really see a way for the other three here to win a game, but noone could see a way that Princeton could beat Georgetown either.  I’d probably give you 750-1 odds on these teams reaching the semis,  maximum bet, $.01.

The Happy To Be Heres

The Who?, UREA!, Splits Happen, Madbotts, Lesbowlians, Three Fingered Willies, Great Lost Spares: The good news for these teams is that six of them will be matched against each other in one-game play-in matches, so each may experience the euphoria of a playoff win.  They also prove that it’s tough to be an expansion team.

Incredibowls 9.5 Pinups 5.5

Wrecking Balls 9 Three Fingered Willies 6

Binga’s Ringas 13 Sweet Rolls 2

Off Constantly 10 Roll Another 5

Madbotts 9 Great Lost Spares 6 (now every team has a win!)

Happy Hands 8.5 Pud’s Taxi 6.5

Livin’ On A Spare 12 Bowlderdash 3

Young and the Bowled 9 Three Livers 6

Saucy Posse 9 TDYOB 6

Huevos Rancheros 11 UREA! 4

Dirty Half Dozen 13 Lesbowlians 2

Urban Achievers 13.5 Gutterballs 1.5

Strikes of Hazzard 14 The Who? 1

200+ Scorers

T-$, UREA! 211

La Gatita, Urban Achievers (again!)    204

Moose Knuckles, Urban Achievers      209

Jamaican Jerk, Binga’s Ringas             222, 218

Hey, BoPo.  Thinking of you’s working up my appetite.  Also got me thinking we should work in some karaoke.

TONIGHT’S POSTGAME = KARAOKE! First stop Novare Res, then if anyone is feeling it around 1130 or so, we can wander over to Old Port Tavern and turn that mutha out. Or, if not feeling it, we just stay at Novare Res and enjoy our booze.

As for lane assignments, it will be first come, first served tonight.  I’ll be there at 6, and you can just tell me when you arrive what lane you want.  If your opponent is there first, then they will pick where your game is played.

Maybe I’m just crazy because I have a bye week this week - I’m the comissioner, dammit.  Oh well.  So, I’m here jamming to my favorite yacht rock tunes, and here are your lyrical lines.  Forgive the non sequitir nature of most of them.

Game of the Week:

#3 Urban Achievers (-5) vs. #8 Gutterballs: Mira, mira, mira, mira!  What’s happening girls? International sensation La Gatita leads Pinky and the rest of the Achievers, and is nothing like J-Lo. Rusty Nail’s postgame interview after his 257: Hey, look me over, tell me do you like what you see, hey, I ain’t got no money, but honey I’m rich on personality - baby I’m a star!  Might not know it now, baby you’ll find out.

The Rest:

#6 Saucy Posse (-3) vs #15 TDYOB: “It’s a family affair” vs “All day long, keeping up a mask of false bravado”.

#4 Livin’ On A Spare (-5) vs Bowlderdash: LOS is trying to hold on to what they got, but since everyone makes the playoffs, doesn’t make a difference if they make it or not.

#10 Young and the Bowled (-7) vs Three Livers: I’m willing to play, whatever you say, if love is the end, playing your game baby, your game baby.

Great Lost Spares (-4) vs Madbotts: If loving you is wrong, I don’t want to be right.  Madbotts only team in the league without a win, and this is the last dance, last chance, for looooooove.  But when they’re bad, they’re oh so bad.

#16 Pud’s Taxi (-3) vs. #20 Happy Hands: Cuppy: “She’s gonna love me in my Chevy van, and that’s alright by me.”  Max Shipp shares the sentiment, but is a little more verbose: I’m a Capricorn, and I’m here to get mannish.  Oooh, I know it’s good when she starts speaking Spanish.  Are you that Zodiac freak I’ve been looking for?

#18 Strikes of Hazzard (-5) vs. The Who?: $5 dollars worth of regular, $3 worth of wine - I’m gonna drink and drive that woman right off of my mind.  Good luck with that Strikes, cause Ichy Poo will make that difficult, you must understand, that the touch of your hand, makes her pulse react.  It’s physical.  Only logical.

#11 Huevos Rancheros (-10) vs. UREA!: I want to be a cowboy’s sweetheart.  I want to learn to rope and to ride.  UREA! is satisfied, hiding in their friends’ apartment, only leaving once a day to buy some groceries.

#7 Dirty Half Dozen (-11) vs Lesbowlians: If you need a friend, don’t look to a stranger.  Two teams very familiar with each other have a showdown here.  I’m sorry but I’m just thinking of the right words to say, I know they don’t sound they way I planned them to be.

#2 Off Constantly (-11) vs #19 Roll Another: OC still sitting here in limbo, like a bird without a song, waiting for another title shot. Hey Roll Another, look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity to seize everything you ever wanted in one moment, would you capture it, or just let it slip? Chupacabra will not leave vomit on his sweater, no matter what.

#1 Binga’s Ringas (-9) vs #12 Sweet Rolls: You know me, I’m your man, your main boy, thick or thin, I’m your pusherman.

Wrecking Balls (-1) vs Three Fingered Willies: A battle for first! Nah, it was just my imagination, running away with me.

#13 Incredibowls (-3) vs #14 Pinups: Chunk: It was plain to see, that a small town boy like me, just wasn’t your cup of tea, it was wishful thinking.  Big Ern: It ain’t so hard to say, would you please just go away.  Since Chunk was jettisoned, the Pinups are in a tailspin.