Thought you were done hearing that phrase?  Too bad, especially when we bowled on Mardi Gras.  That, and The Who? picked up their first victory of the season, 11-4 over UREA!.  They added two new players, both of whom broke with tradition and didn’t have question marks at the end of their names (perhaps they know themselves better).  Ichy Poo labeled the win as “the biggest surprise of the season.”  For J-Bird’s UREA!, a first attempt at roster variety failed to pay off.  The one-armed bandit T-$ missed his first game, and the unity built from consistency was broken.  However, and most importantly, this new team showed up big for postgame, earning league respect.  Welcome to the party.  After a statement win last week, the Gutterballs had their hands full with the Lesbowlians, pulling out a 9-6 win.  The Gutterballs continue to make a statement with their tri-breasted mascot (Three Boob Betty), but had hoped for a bigger result the week after upsetting DHD.  They didn’t go out to celebrate, but added, “why go out and drink, when we could go home and f%$#”?  The Lesbowlians did make the postgame, but not sure that’s where their night ended (last I saw they were getting another round of shots).  Trixy had begun earlier, and offered this gem of coaching advice: “1 shot helps you bowl better, 5 does not”.  Apparently Tilt-A-Whirl only had one, as she continues to tear it up.  There is also a rumor of a Butch return.  Stay tuned.  Young and The Bowled manhandled the Great Lost bear 15-0. The Spares have been battling computer troubles, having scoring difficulties six times.  Maybe they need a programmer mascot.  The Y&B’s love them some points, and took their turn here as bullies.  Pistol Pete returned and continues to flirt with 200 (a bit of a tease).  Killer B also seems to be a nice signing.  Their only disappointment for the night was the roughness of the toilet paper.  Gross.  ICBING beating the Pinups is not a giant upset, but beating them 14- 1 is the biggest surprise result all year. The Pinups claim they were busy trying to turn tricks in the bathroom, so maybe that’s why they didn’t show up at all for the game.  ICBING didn’t roll crazy, but took advantage of their opponent’s weaknesses.  “It was like trying to borrow a dollar and getting turned down, then asking for fifty grand instead” noted Peanut Gutter.  Then they got it.  Dirty Half Dozen returned to form with a 15-0 win over NPI, then immediately became cold and condescending.  “Some of us have lives outside the lanes” they said in a reference to not seeming focused early on.  Apparently they were referring to others, though, as they did indeed make a strong postgame showing.  Jeltz left us with this parable I am still trying to decipher: “One summer our Husky, Brutus, killed 3 groundhogs, a squirrel, and a bird.  He was the happiest dog ever.”  NPI lost interest in this one as soon as Party In The USA came on the jukebox.  The Ram Bros. and Wut What actually all over-performed, but Oolie and T-Wrex had dancing ants in their pants.  They call themselves “The Smack Talk Posse”.  The belly flop into the lanes move was impressive.  Pud’s Taxi beat back upstart TDYOB 8-7 in a slight surprise. “When the wind gets a whiff of it’s own behind, that is when we start to shine!” mused Bullett, amongst her many more profane musings and challenging questions.  Pud’s followed up the win with a very strong postgame.  TDYOB had no time for comment, as they follow up losses with stadium runs and crunches, between shots of rye.  The Urban Achievers stomped Bowlderdash 14-1, and left happy that “it’s week 7 and Moose Knuckles still hasn’t pissed anyone off”.  Or so he thinks.  Bowlderdash continues to set the standard for creative naming, and Turkey Sub is pretty much untouchable in the race for best name of a substitute player.  Carrie Okay, dripping in lane oil, added one poetic note after the match. “Slow motion strikes are like lovers coming together on the beach.”  Awww.  Roll Another beat the Madbotts 14-1, but were steamed about what they perceived to be the lack of respect on bowlportland.com. They were also steamed that Smutty is not showing enough cleavage.  Respect the Roll, and the cleavage.  Madgirl’s return was not enough to get the Madbotts in the win column, but they did seem to recapture their mojo.  They plan to step up their fishnetting.  They may be in for a treat next week.  Stay tuned.  Livin’ On A Spare rolled to a big 11-4 win over Huevos Rancheros. Precious had the night’s high score of 238, which he followed with a 92 (”not enough Hootie” he claimed in defense).  The 238 also overshadowed Shithawk’s emergence onto the scene with a 206 of his own.  Ca-caw!  The Huevos are cracking.  Barry collapsed over the foul line.  A-Frame left for the Bahamas.  Bubbes needs to pull off a magic trick to get them back on track.  Binga’$ Ringa$ overcame another off night to pull off a 13-2 win over the Wrecking Balls. The Balls were a spare way from a shocking 4-1 lead but let it slip away, and giving Binga’s a second chance rarely works out.  Binga’s does claim to be surprised they are still in first, maybe admitting that there are some chinks in the armor.  The Balls will have to take consolation in the Dude’s starting to regain his form, and picking up two points without their leading bowler.  On a high note, they did make it to postgame.  Happy Hands broke their slump with a 9-6 comeback win over Three Livers. The Livers had a 5-0 lead before melting down.  They claim that the many years of partying may be catching up with them.  And they blamed Lukass.  Happy Hands had more smiles than words after the game, but do plan to start having their men wear skirts to cut down on restroom time.  Ask Dandy Mountain, it was his brainstorm.  B.E.E.R. got back on track with a 10.5-4.5 win over Sweet Rolls. Cheddar continued his steady excellence, and Charlie’s Angel rolled a big 165, but the biggest news may be Filthy rediscovering the hooker.  Sweet Rolls captain Sugar welcomed back Sugar Daddy (no relation), and he did not disappoint, rolling three straight games of 153+.  Unfortunately they were missing their Hot Tamale.  If they can keep them all together, the Rolls could have a big postseason.  Finally, CB O’Nutz erased the Splits, 14-1. The game got testy when Bustah yelled at noone in particular to “get your patchouli stink out of my lane!”  The Splits, they of the astonishingly impressive handwriting, actually enjoyed Bustah’s “16 pounds of fury” technique.  They referred to their own technique, the Buxton Slinger, as “too hot for tv”.  Luckily, nothing is too hot for Bowlportland, so you can catch a Slinger in the upcoming weeks.  Also, hats off to Splits for their photo finish win at postgame over Pud’s, as they continue to dominate this arena.

Off Constantly didn’t play, but wanted to be quoted.  “Who doesn’t love a good beaver picture?”  Thanks, Tron, for your provocative questioning.

So, did you realize we are halfway done?  Crazy.

Tonight’s postgame is at Binga’s.  I’m pretty sure the beer is cheap.

Game of the Week:

#6 Livin’ On A Spare (-3) vs. #10 Huevos Rancheros: Riding high just a week ago, this looks like the Huevos last stand.  Perhaps caught looking ahead, they took a beatdown last game, and now the Spares are on their tail.  The winner of this battle should have pretty clear sailing to a division crown.  I think the LOSers pull it off if Precious plays.  If he’s out, my prediction would shift.

The Rest:

UREA! (-5) vs. The Who?: This is their UREA! moment.  The league’s quietest team will certainly not trumpet it, but they may pick up another win, and move out of the dreaded bottom six play-in spots.  The Who? might pick up some more glitter.  Quite a punctuation battle

#7 Pinups (-3) vs. #13 ICBING: Both teams have 44 points.  Their team averages are within five points of each other.  The Pinups have high highs and low lows.  ICBING all stick around the middle, but still have highs.  I’ll go with the higher ceiling team over the higher team.

#3 Urban Achievers (-12) vs. #20 Bowlderdash: After an opening night beatdown, the Achievers have been on cruise control.  Bowlderdash drives a car with no cruise control, maybe a busted window or two, but an occasional turbo burst.  Won’t be enough this time.  Their stay in the top 20 may be brief.

#12 C.B. O’Nutz (-11) vs. Splits Happen:  The Nutz are looking to grab some points here, playing the last place Splits gang.  The Splits have been improving their averages every week, and a close match could really boost the confidence of their 33 team members.

Three Livers (-2) vs. Happy Hands:  Everyone glad to see the return to form of Bernie, raise your hands and yell “HANK!”  The Happy Hands’ hands are a little busy for that right now.

#5 Gutterballs (-11) vs. Lesbowlians: The Gutterballs broke out all the stops last week, bringing the sexy (and the nasty) to bear in beating DHD to tie for the division lead.  Now they play a team that they could never overwhelm with those tactics.

#11 DHD (-3) vs. #18 No Pins Intended: The 6ers haven’t seemed to have the same magic this season.  Of course, the last few years they lost in the finals after big regular seasons, so maybe they’re playing possum as part of a devious new strategy.  NPI was starting to get their confidence back before a 14-1 setback last week.  Oolie is back on track, but the Ram brothers need to get in the ring.

#14 TDYOB (-5) vs. Pud’s Taxi:  TDYOB may be shorthanded, but they are playing with an unrivaled focus.  Pud’s is known for lots of things, but focus is not one of them.  Dink, I have your shirt.

#9 B.E.E.R. (-2) vs. #16 Sweet Rolls:  The Sweet Rolls are one of this year’s pleasant surprises.  Sugar and Frenchy have brought in a smorgasbord of new talent.  B.E.E.R. has been strong, but are starting to get desperate to pick up some points.  They will counter the sweets with a finely aging Cheddar.  This may be the night the Filthy Hooker returns to prominence.

#4 Young and the Bowled (-13) vs. Great Lost Spares: Y&B as huge favorites.  The worm has turned. Beware the Bear.

#19 Roll Another (-5) vs. The Madbotts: This could be the perfect matchup for the Madbotts, but they will need their fearless leader Madgirl for the diversionary tactics to work.  Roll Another will try to lash themselves to the scoring table.

#1 Binga’s Ringas (-13) vs. Wrecking Balls: The W-Balls go from a bye week and into the fryer.  Lulu will be nutritionally disappointed.  Binga’s may spend game three getting their host faces on for the Binga’s Stadium postgame tonight.

Last Week: 8-5

Overall: 59-19

So, I started writing some recaps, and I certainly enjoyed your submissions, but then I received a missive from Canada.  Yeah, THAT Canada.  Ladies and Gentlebowlers, after these few game write-ups, I am proud to present the return of…

“The Man From Hope: A Canadian Take On BowlPortland” a.k.a. “The Bang On Chronicles”

Livin’ On A Spare 15 The Who? 0

It takes a man’s man to self-anoint oneself “Precious”.  That man has arrived, and taken the pressure off his teammates in a nice run by the L.O.S.ers. (© Natro).  The team is quietly taking care of its business and has jumped back up in the rankings.  They are also in the running for “Most Likely to Be Swingers”, particularly when hopped up on Liquid Sunshine.  So, for those of you who had an eye on one of these guys but were worried they were taken, you may have a new window of opportunity.

The Who? submitted the league’s best ever answer sheet, decorated with heart stickers and three types of glitter (which looked awesome when it sprinkled all over my suit at work by the way).  There is a reason they are a runaway favorite for “Most Likely to Bring Glue to the Lanes”.   They eagerly anticipate winning so they no longer have to refer back to their other award, The Congressional Medal of Suck.  Oh, Who?, how we adore thee.

Bowlderdash 14 Splits Happen 1

Michael Bowlton has played for kings and queens and to countless sold out arenas, so he was perhaps the least likely to be phased by bowling against a sitting member of Congress.  His steadfastness put his teammates at ease too, and he watched with pride from the bench as they jumped out to a 5-0 lead with big scores from Lois Lanes and Dombomb.  The crooner himself struggled with an 87 in game two, but closed out his evening with a yahtzee and a satisfying 182, only topped by the crisp deliciousness of the Colt 45s they cracked postgame.

Despite having their own press secretary on board, Splits refused to take any questions after the loss.  Perhaps it is best, for it is difficult to synthesize the voices of 25 team members into a coherent one, a lesson Izzy continues to learn.  Happy Birthday, Izzy.

Binga’s Ringas 15 Three Fingered Willies 0

When a team with three fingers loses one third of its players as the Willies have, does that make them two fingered?  If so, this Sparegasmic squad can just buy it back, as their most Munjalicious player took home the $200 50/50 pot.  They also included in their postgame submission a very sophisticated graph that I can’t quite translate to narrative.  It did say that BowlPortland was cool but lowbrow, the tights on the Madbotts were cool and moderately high brow, the lack of snow is uncool and lowbrow, and the Mass. Senate race was uncool and highbrow, among other things.  Good to know.

Binga’s isn’t in the business of counting fingers or feeling sympathy.  They are in the business of chicken wings and turkeys.  Jamaican Jerk showed his first signs of weakness, but the always gregarious Hot Mango Mike continues to put up big numbers.  Actually, his performance raises the question, would you rather roll a 204 and a 99, or two 152s?  Ponder.  The team also admitted it has its eyes set on not just another League Title, but also the award for “Sickest Bong Slides, Dawg”.

Great Lost Spares 8 Lesbowlians 7

And then there were two!  The Great Lost Spares picked up their first win of the year with an exciting nail biter, meaning 29 of 31 teams have picked up a win so far.  Despite being unsatisfied with the tunes, they managed to just hold on to their lead in game three.  This “Most Pink” team really doesn’t like listening to Erykah Badu while rolling, but maybe that dislike drove their focus.

As for the Lesbowlians, team Captain Trixy called the result “shocking”.  “Seriously,” added Downtown, “total shocker!”  No offense.  The team drowned its sorrows with PBR’s and painkillers, after which they all got Tribal Lesbowlian tattoos in a sign of team unity.  “One thing’s for sure” slurred a tipsy Tilt-A-Whirl, “we own the ‘Most Lesbians on A Team’ category”.  True.

Urban Achievers 14 No Pins Intended 1

For a team of inner city children without the necessary means for the necessary means for an education, this team has come a long way.  This week the UA’s put together one of the most complete performances of the year, with only one score all night under 140.  Just when La Gatita started to come down to earth, Pinky showed off her 2009 form.  Throw in some Moose Knuckles and the league is in trouble.

Tuesday, that trouble was all for the No Pins Intendeders, (“Nintendos?” “NoPinIns?” “No entiendos”?).  Oolie continued his personal comeback with a pretty 216, but that was the only ray of light on this night.  That, and their spectacular human pyramid.

ENOUGH ALREADY HUNGUS!  BRING ON THE CANADIAN!

Ok…

Savoring the Olympic flame as it passed from torch to torch beneath the gaze of a five metre high chainsaw carving of a grizzly bear wearing hockey gear and forechecking a parade of Chinese lanterns, my mind chanced upon the unspoken tragedy of the athletic extravaganza just a few flag parades hence. It’s another even-numbered year, and the assembly of Earth’s greatest athletes is still incomplete. Bowlers in every time zone will continue to push their bodies to the limits of endurance and metaphor, dreaming of the day their passion earns official gold medal status.

In happier days one summer in Seoul, bowlers felt the ancient Greek buzz as a demonstration sport. Barcelona proved to be a bad bottle of Cava for strikers and gutterites, and the sport has not been seen in the games since.  As valiantly as the FIQ lobbies the IOC, bowlers must still content themselves with the annual Bowling World Cup. Popular thinking on the movement has become way too uptight. It is time for Olympic bowling advocates to shift their focus 540 ° and apply for entry to the winter games.

Make no mistake: the winter games are struggling. They are the forgotten victims of a forgotten feedback loop, transporting snow by the truckload to replace the snow melted by their media tents.  Already there is talk of awarding the next 45 Winter Olympics to Antarctica, as that would give each Antarctic Treaty signatory country the opportunity to profit from irresistible penguin mascots before snow becomes extinct.  Brazil, the nineteenth signatory country and thus projected host for 2092, is apparently discussing construction of a mega-resort in the Fimbulheimen range named ‘Reno di Janeiro’.

Bowling is a sport the Winter Olympics needs because it is the perfect sport for 21^st century winters.  Whatever side of the thermocline you float on, you are wise enough to know that in winter it’s better to be indoors.  Here is the world sport that creates a perfect world; no need to wrestle with the vagaries of ice and snow. Winter weather is bad weather, and bowlers make it to the alley no matter how bad it gets outside.

Cynics in need of inspiration need look no further than one of the redeeming triumphs of that old stupid century: the introduction of curling as an official medal sport at Nagano in 1998.  The skips and their sweepers launched their ‘curlsade’ 74 years earlier at the first winter games in Chamonix.  After three more auditions as a demonstration sport, the IOC finally heard the beauty of the Roaring Game after Lillehammer. The saga is a stirring testament to the indefatigable resolve of competitors who wear collared shirts and slippery shoes.

If you question whether the struggle to become an Olympic sport is worthwhile, take a gander at the drama on the rink these next two weeks in Vancouver.  Once you become addicted, imagine that your favorite Bowl Portland teams have morphed into international curling titans, battling on the international stage.  The following estimation of appropriate bowling-to-curling team analogies is based on the Week 6 leaderboard, the 2009 World Curling Championships and the remains of some killer Super Bowl chili.

Binga’s Ringa’s : Canada

The host with the most, Canada is the self-proclaimed Eldorado of Curling.  Skip Kevin Martin, the Boss of the Rocks, and skip Cheryl Bernard, who started throwing rocks at age 8, both know that Eldorado has nothing to do with silver or bronze.

Off Constantly: Scotland

The inventors of the sport compete valiantly under the flag of Great Britain, their monarchical landlords.  The athlete-farmer skip David Murdoch and the young, tattooed skip Eve Muirhead want to recreate ‘the stone of destiny’ that put the Scots on the podium in Salt Lake.  Why does Puerto Rico have an Olympic team, but not Scotland?

Urban Achievers: Denmark

The Danes have an axe to grind with the Canadians over the disputed territory of Hans Island halfway between Greenland and Ellesmere Island.  Fatalist skip Madeleine Dupont and poker-faced skip Johnny Frederiksen are looking to make a geopolitical statement with their pick shots.

Young & Bowled: Switzerland

The Swiss are a wolf in sheep’s clothing.  Hard-driving skip Ralph Stöckli, who took silver at the last World Championships, and skip Mirjam Ott, whose rink shoes were stolen last week in Winnipeg, are out for redemption.

Gutterballs: Germany

The two-headed threat from the Bundesrepublik comes in the form of skip Andreas Kapp and his brother Uli.  Equally formidable is the German women’s team skipped by the venerable Dr. Andrea Schöpp, a former wunderkind of the sport who won bronze at the European Championships at age 15.

Livin’ On A Spare: China

The Chinese are new to the sport, but they are learning to dominate. The women’s team, skipped by Bingyu Wang, won the last World Championships. She is the Coco of the Middle Kingdom.

Pinups: United States

Don’t expect to hear much southern twang in these “HARD” calls. Women’s skip Debbie McCormick was born in Saskatchewan and now lives in Rio, Wisconsin. Men’s skip John Shuster is a Duluthian who goes by the nickname Shoostie.

Saucy Posse: Norway

Although the women’s team did not qualify, the men’s team is skipped by a talent the likes of Walter.  Thomas Ulsrud has come close to gold at several recent competitions, and is part of what commentators call “the New World Order” emerging in international curling.

B.E.E.R. : Sweden

The Swedes have a brought case of glögg and a giant bag of nuts and raisins to Vancouver in preparation for a victory party. Skip Anette Norberg, an actuary away from the rink, is the defending Olympic women’s champion, and men’s skip Niklas Edin, a fitness nut like Hungus, is the defending European champion.  The Swedish word for beer is öl and the Swedish word for speed is fart.

Huevos Rancheros: Russia

The proud women of Russia have made the trip alone. The skip, Ludmila Privivkova, and the rest of the team are the self-proclaimed “Girls from Moscow.”  Since one of the primary drivers of success on the curling rink is the ability to withstand cold, this team can never be counted out.

Dirty Half Dozen: France

Without their women, the French men’s team will be miserable but competitive.  Skipped by Thomas Dufour, the French are quite envious of the status curling has in Canada versus their homeland.  They refer to Edmonton as “la Mecque.”

Cracked Bowl of Nutz: Japan

Although the men’s team didn’t qualify, the Japanese women’s team is a rising sun. Skip Moe Meguro was just one frame away from the gold medal game at the World’s in 2008, before the Canadian’s stole a point with a brilliant peel. Revenge is dish best served raw.

Unfortunately, that is all of the countries that qualified for the Olympics this year, leaving the rest of the Bowl Portland teams without a nationalistic curling alias for 2010. The following trivia challenge, however, is open to all teams, and the first correct respondent will be rewarded with a goody bag of Olympic paraphernalia direct from British Columbia:

What countries won gold in women’s and men’s Bowling, respectively, when it was a demonstration sport at the Seoul Olympics?

All in favor of Bowling in 2014 in Sochi say “DA!”

Postgame is at Novare Res. The MaineToday.com photographer will be back, too, so look pretty.

This is the last new site, then we’ll start hitting bars a second time.  Is anyone going to Great Lost Bear for pregames?

Also, tired of $20 50/50 “jackpots”?  BowlPortland is getting back in the 50/50 business this week.  Our pots have reached as high as $130, so buy a ticket or 6.

Game of the Week:

#6 Dirty Half Dozen (-3) vs. #11 Gutterballs: Gutterballs has gotten off to a hot start, and actually has a lead in the division over pre-season favorites DHD.  This is their chance to prove they belong.  If they are ever going to utilize their Nomia sponsorship to distract their opponents, this would be the week.  A win here would mark a sea change in the PYT pecking order ocean.  Um.  As for DHD, they welcome back league favorite Dutch for a one game cameo.  She walks right into a crucial game, but her team is starting to rally behind the steady excellence of Pirate.  Surprisingly, Riggs has not commented on Baby Riggs’ positive press last week.

The Rest:

#9 Living on a Spare (-13) vs. The Who?: The Who looked tired in the Superbowl performance and I don’t see them being fully recovered by Tuesday.  LOS doesn’t seem to get any in-between matchups.  Alley-Luejah expecting big things from Precious, or else he’ll get the hose again.

#5 Huevos Rancheros (-5) vs. #19 TDYOB: It’s early, but Huevos has a chance to really get some breathing room in the Thriller division.  At the end of the day, it should be between them and Livin’, but right now TDYOB is in 2nd, and wants a shot at the crown.  I think that shot is premature.  I expect big things from Muskrat both on the lanes and the 50/50 sales front.

#16 ICBING (-7) vs. UREA!: ICBING is in a slump, having been pushed by TDYOB then knocked off by the Strikes of Hazzard.  Can they rebound here?  I think so.  UREA! is the league’s quiet, mystery team.  They are also small - only four players, the same each week, forcing T-$ to bowl left handed since there are no injury replacements.  Talk about tortured artists. I’m really hoping this team produces an original piece of art to be given away at the Bowling Ball, or hung at Bayside Bowl.  Hint, hint, J-Bird.

#15 Strikes of Hazzard (-11) vs. Madbotts:  I’ve been talking up Uncle Jesse in these pages for weeks, and then I ran into him this weekend and he asked “hey, did you see that we’ve been winning?”  Huh?  Turns out Uncle Jesse hasn’t been reading (or, as Cooter whispered to me, can’t read).  Fine then, Strikes.  Your name is mud to me.  Welcome to Heel-hood.  Unfortunately I can’t pick them to lose here, as the Madbotts have yet to pick up a win. They are still stealing the league’s collective heart, though.

Bowlderdash (-5) vs. Splits Happen:  Michael Bowlton has turned to some unorthodox motivational techniques, betting with his team members that they couldn’t cover the spread last week (they did, and he lost money).  We have no policy on gambling, so more power to him, but is he rich enough to keep this tactic going?  In unrelated news, what’s with that new $1 per ticket “Yo-Pleau” surcharge on SPACE tickets?  Splits Happen have been nothing if not resilient, and survived a potentially demoralizing loss last week in high spirits and ready to roll.  Izzy is starting to get a read on her team, which is an accomplishment when you have 19 players on your roster.

#1 Binga’s Ringas (-13) vs. Three Fingered Willies:  On behalf of BEER, I want to apologize to Dirk McLucky.  Our team did just enough last week to light a fire under Binga’s, and in addition to using it to spark one, they will use it for motivation to rally to another big score this week.  Binga’s is facing a suspension, however, on a league finance violation.  Uh-oh!

#4 BEER (-1) vs. #12 Saucy Posse: A couple of solid but not spectacular teams find themselves playing well but buried in the standings.  BEER will have to stay up after their collapse against Binga’s.  Luckily  for BEER, Charlie’s Angel and Slow Roll should be back, and Tom “Don’t Patronize Me” Richards is rolling angry. SauPo has had to deal with D Sauce’s demands to be traded to “Strikes of Hazzard, or ICBING, or Binga’s, at least for pregame”.  Can P Sauce hold the family together?  I think it’s time for N Sauce to have one of her big weeks.  Should be the closest game of the night.

#3 Urban Achievers (-5) vs. #13 No Pins Intended:  NPI has been battling back into contention, but now face their sternest test of the season.  Unless Randy Ram channels Odin (could happen), or tags out to The Iron Sheik (perhaps less likely), I see a tough loss coming.  The Achievers could actually take over the PYT lead if DHD and the Gutterballs beat each other up a bit.

Lesbowlians (-9) vs. Great Lost Spares:  This looks like a good week for the Lesbowlians.  They need a big win to move out of the dreaded bottom six play-in spots, and this is the chance.  They are riding a hot Tilt-A-Whirl into this one (tee hee) and Trixy has her troops motivated.  The Spares counter with a giant pink bear, the Great Gay Bear, and a week of rest to get their heads right.

#8 Pinups (-5) vs. #18 Roll Another:  It’s always a dangerous bet to take a Big Ern coached team and the points, but there is too much talent on that team to ignore.  They do seem stuck in the 80’s - in a good way.  Roll Another is the least ballyhooed 3rd year team in BoPo.  A win here might make some noise for them, but they would probably just go back to the corner and whisper “don’t mind us”.

#2 Off Constantly (-11) vs. #20 Three Livers:  Pearl is a great captain, and I don’t presume to know her team like she does, but I have a suggestion.  Buy shots for OC.  Then when you offer them a second round, and they think you’re just trying to get them drunk to help you win, offer to drink with them.  Play to your strengths.  OC almost went crazy last week not being able to play, and they will come out a little too strung out.  If you execute this plan well, I might adjust this line.  Also, can I have some M&M’s?

#10 Incredibowls (-1) vs. #14 C.B. O’Nutz:  These are two teams that will be popular dark horse picks come tourney time.  When you’re placing that bet in late March, you may want to look back and see how this one turned out to figure out which horse to ride.  I think it’s a tossup, but I prefer the Incredibowls’ unis.

So, this is a tough stretch timewise right now, so I am going with another digest format.  I have two writeups, submitted by captains in those games.  For next week, I’m looking for a volunteer from each game to do those writeups.  We’ll call it “Voice of the People” week.  For now, two guest recaps and a digest.

The Who? showed up in their flashy skirts and dancing shoes and TDYOB showed up having lost a tough one the prior week to their arch-rival, reminding themselves that there are a bevy of similarities between Bowl Portland and Portland Ultimate (mainly games are played to 15).  The 15-0 victory is a tad misleading as Rinni and the Ruckus brought it for The Who? in game one just narrowly being defeated by Dr. Thunder and Roy Munson.  In the pivotal game 2 the good Dr. stepped outside for a safety meeting and “tips on rolling” session with Luke and Uncle Jesse from Strikes and Barry from Huevos.  Uncle Jesse admitted he didn’t know if his ball was a hooker or a straight ball.  Roy Munson cashed in his Trojan Condom money and retired his rubber hand to his trophy case next to his grade school hockey and soccer trophies.   With Roy-boy’s new hand he went large with a 182, out-dueling Felty, leader for The Who? at 146.  By game three, The Who? and TDYOB were involved in a dance off and drinking contest, with GVO and Ichy coming out on top.  Meanwhile, the Borkers closed out the 15-0 win.  Before the game Dr. Thunder asked The Who? if they were excited that their namesakes were playing the half-time show at the Super Bowl to which they responded, “We didn’t know that, we are not football fans, the name actually was decided on like ‘who just beat us’ but that isn’t really working out for us.”  That said, as a new squad to the league they are getting better every week and certainly are one of the most enjoyable squads in the league to roll against.  As for TDYOB, they were excited to jump ahead of their frisbee rivals Strikes and ICBING in the standings with the 15-0 win, but they sense that the tough part of their schedule is coming up, starting next week with the Eggman; like the Stranger says, “Sometimes you eat the bar and well sometimes the bar eats you.”

Incredibowls 10 Three Fingered Willies 5 - Submitted by Dirk McLucky

The 3FW were short-handed tonight with the loss of Schizo to the DL for the season, P-Dubs at home taking care of Schizo, Foxy McLucky at 35,000 feet somewhere between Denver and Boston, and Sweets McCoy visiting the family down in Nawth Caholihna.  With 4 Willies out, I had to go to the bullpen and bring in the righty.  Emergency sub Jailbait came in and performed admirably under pressure.  Alas, we were no match for Incredibowls who swept us in the first 2 games to sprint out to an impressive 10-0 lead with their Game 2 featuring a 600+ team score and Boston’s first ever 200+ game.  In Game 3 however, the Willies dug deep, vowed to avoid the shut-out in honor of our fallen comrade, and rallied for a 5-0 win.  We lost the match, but we were a good bet for the savvy gamblers who took 3FW and the points.

Weekly Digest

We’re starting to get some stratification in season 3.  Noone is surprised to see Binga’s at the top, and Off Constantly nipping at their heels.  There’s no question they are the two title favorites, and everyone else is looking to be a distant 3rd.  That said, if everything broke right on playoff night, there are a few teams that could somehow sneak through.  Look no further than Binga’s 9.5 - 5.5 chugging of B.E.E.R.  Nothing was going right for Binga’s, other than the normal Jerk outings.  Facing a 5-5 tie against an excited challenger, however, Binga’s was rescued by a magical performance from newcomer Chernobyl Lane.  After her opening game 109, Lane rolled a nuclear 191 to lead the team.  If she had rolled a 109 again, BEER would have won.  I pity Binga’s next opponent, as they will likely get a more focused Champ.  The Urban Achievers had one shot earlier this year and got the OC brushoff, but they continue to steamroll the rest of the league looking for another crack at the top.  Tuesday Urban Achievers tore apart Splits Happen 13-2, which actually was a slight moral victory for Izzy.  They were 13 point underdogs.  People who had gathered to watch rookie sensation La Gatita were disappointed by her absence.  She has become quite the draw.  Strikes of Hazzard smoked ICBING 9-6 in a safety match.  The Duke boys are continuing to prove that one game can change everything.  The Strikes were an afterthought before Uncle Jesse smacked his 258.  Now they are five steps ahead of John Law.  This week they even welcomed back a motivated Mabel Tillingham, who stole the show.  Let’s hope it’s not just a guest episode.  ICBING rebounded late, when Fabio and Sweet ‘n Creamy both broke through the 200 barrier, but were left dazed and confused as another team passed them in the rankings.  You know who really looked good?  The Gutterballs pounded Pud’s 13-2 in impressive fashion.  They got some big scores from Daddy TL and Rusty Nail, and some great vibes from Hildo.  Pud’s bit the Bullett, who found it a surprising turn-on.  Maybe that’s why Dink went home without his shirt.  Huevos laid a 13-2 loss on Bowlderdash.  Bubbles buried the pins, but Barry’s bubble burst (though he’s still in the top 5.)  Next week we unleash the Muskrat on your helpless selves, and trust me, you will buy what he’s selling.  As for Bowlderdash, they are one of the last teams to get a week off, and may be showing the wear and tear of nonstop bowling (though they continue to look stunning in their sage/off white Keglers, form fitted and sweat wicking).  Young and the Bowled had an 11-4 coming of age against Happy Hands.  Happy Hands tried to go NC-17, and have been ‘practicing’, I’ve seen it personally.  Jules Calderwood broke into the Top 20…Jules, it’s time for your closeup!  (Jasper knew this would happen when you guys got into this line of business, so he’s got nothing to complain about).  The Young’uns aren’t as innocent as you’d expect, and had some oats of their own to sew.  The big win gave the YB’s a funky good time, and a one point lead over the OC boys in the division.  Interesting, no?  The Sweet Rolls licked the Wrecking Balls 12-3, staying close enough to first to taste it.  The dynamic duo of Frenchie and Hot Tamale, or “The French Tamale“,  led the way, and the Rolls keep rising.  The Wrecking Balls have crashed hard into last place, and are having a hard time getting the momentum going the other way.  They did play shorthanded, and showed improvement, but they’ll have to dig their way out of this hole one shovel full at a time.  The Dirty Half Dozen cleaned up 8.5 to 6.5 over C.B. O’Nutz.  Nothing is coming easy this year for the two time runners up, but a determined Pirate at the tiller has kept them on a steady course.  Riggs has come back closer to form, maybe because Baby Riggs said her first word, and it was “strike”.  That’s tough to mouth, and an impressive baby.  She’ll be tough to catch in the inaugural “BowlPortland Baby of the Year” award category. The Nutz are just hanging around in the middle of things, but have yet to explode on the scene.  Team Owner Deez Nutz is contemplating more tamari.  Livin’ on a Spare plastered UREA! 14 -1 down on the end of the alley.  The game was really the uplifting story about a bowler who overcame great hardships, and Precious completed the script with a 213 to lead the way.  UREA! is stuck with their top dog T-$ rolling lefty.  They have had the same four people for every game, so are gaining a certain cohesion, but this time they were punching a little over their weight class.  The Pinups squeaked one out over the Saucy Posse, 8-7.  Kaiser Awesome is stepping up big and trying to make fans forget about the Oft-Injured Chunk.  Big Ern led his team to the bar for an exciting celebration of shots and standing over the heater grate. SauPo continues to tantalize but ultimately disappoint, much like that cigarette that thankfully Walter has continued to avoid.  Finally, No Pins Intended shutout the Lesbowlians 15-0, but the Lesbowlians held their own at the postgame hosted by their opponents.  Tilt-A-Whirl edged up to 3rd in the standing, and Wut What apparently knows “you want [him]“, and also that “[he] wants you.”

Postgame tomorrow at SNUG.  I will be there tonight making sure they have beer.

Looks like a lot of potential mismatches this week…so come to the Snug to celebrate your huge win or drown your sorrows

Game of the Week:

#6 Dirty Half Dozen (-2) vs. # 12 C.B. O’Nutz: The Nutz started off roasting, but have cooled off.  Something about not killing enzymes.  They are trying to prove they can be a contender.  Dirty Half Dozen doesn’t have any big wins yet, and have had to sit around for two weeks stewing on a bad loss.  Tomorrow Rigg’s gets his shirt back - let’s see if it brings back his game.

The Rest of the Games:

TDYOB (-9) vs The Who?: TDYOB held their own vs ICBING, and now have a struggling Who team coming up.  Ichtanzegern may be pivoting her team’s focus straight to dancing, again.

#9 Living on a Spare (-6) vs. UREA!: Livin was riding high before a couple big losses, and are now looking to stop the bleeding.  UREA! got their first win, but T-$ broke his wrist or something and has to bowl lefty.

#17 Strikes of Hazzard (-1) vs #10 ICBING: Upset alert!  I’ve become an Uncle Jesse believer.  His week 3 258 sparked a teamwide turnaround and the Strikes are now hotter ‘n a billy goat in a pepper patch.  ICBING may be sleepwalking a bit after last week’s emotionally charged TDYOB showdown.  If these teams manage to arrive at the lanes, should be a great game.

#5 Huevos Rancheros (-9) vs Bowlderdash: Michael Bowlton will have to unleash a showstopper to slow the Huevos.  The Barry-watch continues, with everyone waiting for the straight ball to hit a wall.  When’s Bubbles going to have a breakout game?

#3 Urban Achievers (-13) vs Splits Happen:  Uh-oh.  This could be a good learning experience for the expansion Splitters.  As for the Urban Achievers, crowds are gathering to watch the legend in the making La Gatita, who has a legitimate shot at the top 3 overall.

#15 No Pins Intended (-8) vs Lesbowlians: Ever since Oolie’s moonwalk, his mind has been freed.  Plus NPI is the host bar.  Wut What?  Tilt-A-Whirl will try to rally the Lesbowlians to an upset.  Under the radar storyline: Can Trixy get her ladies to the postgame?

#14 Gutterballs (-3) vs #20 Pud’s Taxi:  It will be interesting to see the Gutterballs’ reaction to losing, after their fast start had given them confidence. As for Pud’s, they’d think it was hilarious that they were ranked #20 if they knew that there were any rankings.  At least this game has the potential to be close.

#19 Sweet Rolls (-3) vs Wrecking Balls:  The Balls should have remained The Haze.  Or at least the Purple Balls.  They’ve struggled all season, though many of their losses were close.  The Sweet Rolls look to get back on the winning track after a tight loss to the Livers.

#8 Sauce Posse (-3) vs #13 Pinups:  Maybe this should have been the game of the week.  These teams are both coming off losses to the top two teams in the league, but are solid squads.  Big Ern is planning on surreptitiously waving packs of cigarettes under Walter’s nose before big shots.

#12 Incredibowls (-12) vs Three Fingered Willies:  The Incredibowls are coming off a shutout, and that kind of merciless bloodlust will come in handy as they play the team everyone is supporting right now in their time of need, the Willies.  The Willies lost Schizo to a season ending injury, and Dirk will have to keep team morale up.

#1 Binga’s (-11) vs #4 B.E.E.R.: Binga’s has nothing to worry about here.  Seriously guys, take it easy, you don’t need to worry about it.  Should be a cakewalk.

#7 Young and the Bowled (-9) vs Happy Hands:  The short-shorted ones look to continue their meteoric rise.  Happy Hands Productions is wondering how someone named Anya caboose didn’t end up on their team, or at least in one of their films.

Lat Week: 10-3

Overall: 39-13

This week will be a little different; I’ll just cover some of the highlights, lowlights and interesting tidbits and trends.  But first, until we get there, another reminder to help out my mom:

Below is a link to donate $5 to Clean Elections to support my mom, Libby Mitchell, in her race for Governor.  She is strongly pro-bowling.  Please help out if you can spare a fiver.

Clean Elections

At the bottom of the page, click the “Make a qualifying contribution to a candidate” button, follow through the pages and click on Elizabeth Mitchell at the end.  Thanks again.

On with Week 4:

I had predicted that the game between the Urban Achievers and Livin’ On A Spare would be the game of the week.  Well, I was wrong.  LOS is in a bit of a psychological slump, and Alley-Lujah needs to shake them out of it.  Maybe donning her jersey would rally the team spirit.  As for the Achievers, they have faced a murderers row opening schedule of Off Constantly, DHD and Livin’, and have come through with flying colors.  La Gatita had the high score for the week, and is in the overall top 5.  Not bad for ladies night.  The Urban Achievers, now with 100% more women!  The rest of the top teams took care of business.  Binga’s looks unstoppable right now, and the Jerk moved his average over 200.  The Pinups didn’t offer too much resistance in the 14-1 shellacking, let’s see if B.E.E.R. can next week.  Chunk’s on-again/off-again attendance may be affecting team chemistry. As for Off Constantly, they actually got a test from SauPo, falling behind in game one to Walter and Co. before rallying to a 10-5 win.  Then Walter realized he really needed a cigarette, and though he held strong in resisting the urge, it hurt his game.  OC could get upset in one of their non-Tron weeks.  Three Livers returned to form, knocking down the high-flying upstarts from Sweet Rolls 8-7.  They are back on the M&M wagon too, which means way more game night visits from Karl Hungus.  The other razor tight match was Chupacabra leading a worker’s revolt, and leading Roll Another to an 8-7 win over The Man…er, I mean The Dude.  The Wrecking Balls were knocked into last place in the ridiculously deep Human Nature Division.  Lou Dawg’s Young and the Bowled squad reveled in the oddsmakers going against them, and were perhaps Tuesday’s most impressive team, winning big over The Gutterballs despite the absence of Pistol Pete.  When did RR become a Top 10 bowler?  Nice work.  Lou Dawg followed it up by passing out drunk after an incredibly strong post-game performance, earning approval from last year’s captain Special K, making her much anticipated 2010 debut.  UREA! got their first franchise win, 11-4 over the Great Lost Spares.  The Spares were pretty excited to win the third game, though, and left on a high.  Speaking of high, ICBING and TDYOB had their big showdown, and just when it looked like Peanut Gutter would school his protege, Spooky led TDYOB back to salvage 6.5 points.  The Three Fingered Willies won 12.5 to 2.5 over the Madbotts.  Unfortunately, not joking here, Schizo was seriously injured this week and will not be back for the rest of the season.  BowlPortland’s thoughts are with her in her recovery.  Uncle Jesse may not have been a one hit wonder - he led his Hazzard boys to a big win over Izzy’s mob.  Xander did put up a 201 for the Splits Happeners, so all was not lost.  Hey, how ’bout them Bowlderdash?  They took advantage of the rest of their division being on a bye to take over first place, at least temporarily, putting down the Lesbowlians 11-4.  Finally, Barry’s straight but not narrow ball led the surging Huevos to a 12-3 victory over the Happy Hands, who then rushed off to work on their new film, “Surging Huevos”.

Postgame at Grace was amazing.  I believe there were four non-bowlers to accompany our crew of 25+.  DJ Baby Jay kept it real, Walter got pregnant, Lou Dawg mourned the Wildcats and hates the Cocks…what else?  My memory gets hazy.  I think BowlPortland may sponsor a single moustache in Roscoe’s March Moustache Madness ‘Stache Pag.  Grow ‘em if you got ‘em!  Anya Caboose showed off some phenomenal dance moves, and Red Hot Hands Ryan did the worm across the bar.  After Oolie starting running around with his shirt unbuttoned pouring tequila shots, everyone quietly filed out.  See you next week at The Snug!  Bring your party hat.

So, strong postgame showing, league.  So strong that writing recaps may be a little hampered, or delayed, or not happen.  Anyway, below are the scores.

Before that is a link to donate $5 to Clean Elections to support my mom, Libby Mitchell, in her race for Governor.  She is strongly pro-bowling.  Please help out if you can spare a fiver.

Clean Elections

At the bottom of the page, click the “Make a qualifying contribution to a candidate” button, follow through the pages and click on Elizabeth Mitchell at the end.  Thanks again.

Week 4 Scores

The 200+ Rollers:

La Gatita, Urban Achievers 223; Jamaican Jerk, Binga’s 214, 206; Buffalo Booth, Binga’s 208; Xander Rolle, Splits Happen 201

Binga’s 14 Pinups 1

Three Livers 8 Sweet Rolls 7

Roll Another 8 Wrecking Balls 7

Huevos Rancheros 12 Happy Hands Prod 3

UREA! 11 Great Lost Spares 4

Three Fingered Willies 12.5 Madbotts 2.5

Urban Achievers 12 Livin On a Spare 3

Off Constantly 10 Saucy Posse 5

ICBING 8.5 TDYOB 6.5

Bowlderdash 11 Lesbowlians 4

Incredibowls 15 The Who? 0

Young and the Bowled 10 Gutterballs 5

Strikes of Hazzard 14 Splits Happen 1