New Blood

With Space Farmer on a “work trip” in India, and Dr. Thunder finally
retiring from writing lines, Hakeem is here to fill in. Since its 2018
and everyone is offended by virtually everything, I  want to apologize
in advance and refer any and all complaints to Dr Thunder, who takes
personal responsibility for these bad jokes that he did not write.
Early games, here we go:

Early Matches

Boposapiens  (-1) vs There Will Be Strikes
Of all the early matches, this one should prove to be the most
competitive. Both teams are 3-4 and in the playoff hunt, and both need
a win. Two-Finger Bowler (best style) Double Cheese struggled early,
but has found his stroke and should go big today. Karl Hungus has been
consistently dominant (205.1, 12 200s) and should win his team points,
but the lack of The Fuge’s long-grown and beautiful mullet will drain
TWBS of their mojo. All of BoPo mourns this loss, Fuge, and Purple
Nurple will miss stroking it for good luck pre-match.  The third game
will matter, and both teams will bowl well, but another tragic loss
will strike Hungus, who can’t catch a break.

Cocktails and Dreams Vs Just The Tips (-6)
This pick is based entirely on the culmination of Glossy Mexican’s
glorious Divorce Tour (R.I.P.). With his personal life in shambles,
Glossy blossomed as a bowler and almost got good at drinking. During
his run, he claimed a Draft Title, a Restaurant and Brewery Title ****
and got steadily hammered for about 6 months. As the tour ended,
though, so did Glossy’s bowling hot streak. The guy lost weight, is
generally a better person, but is 35 points lower than usual. Glossy
if you’re listening, it’s time to revert to your degenerate Divorce
Tour ways if you want to turn this season around. For every beer
Glossy doesn’t drink in his “New Life”, Sparkles drinks at least
three. Usually, Drunk Sparkles can spell success on the lanes, but not
as his body fails him after an extremely degenerate week in Vegas.
Look for him and Glossy to both suck and lose handily to Iceberg and
co., led by a classic Ric Spair performance that absolutely no one
sees coming.

Bowler’s Union (-7) vs Drama Llamas
Seatown struck gold in drafting Squeaky G (the better/less wasted
version of Holden Green) late in the draft. Rookie of The Year
candidate Squeaky G, Deputy, 200+ guy Mitch Cumstein and Seatown
create a formidable top lineup for a team that will score points early
today. Deputy ranks among the best drunk bowlers in the league, and if
league average were (combined beers drank+bowling average) he would be
truly elite. Dick Du Jour brags about not creating team T-Shirts, and
that lack of team morale comes back to bite him here, despite their
higher average and playoff position. Bowler’s Union takes the minor
upset and wins in two. Nut Sauce will bowl well, as she always does,
but BU brings a big night and takes it early, proving to be a team to
watch.

Nuclear Banana (-15) v Saint Hexy’s Hooligans
On paper, this should be a complete blowout- and it will be. Hexy
drafted a fun and spirited team, but they simply can’t keep up with
Tommy Gunz, HBK, Cookie and Chernobylayne. How did this team even get
drafted?

Burt the Bandit, fresh off a breakout season, has been up and down.
His Yankees betrayed him in the ALDS, the Giants lost on a last second
63-yard Field Goal, and he gets skunked in BoPo in the same week..
Tough break, Burt! I think Burt and Tilt-a-Whirl bowl well today, both
go over 200+ at least once, and it won’t matter.

Nuclear Banana is the easy favorite to win it all this year, despite
Tommy Gunz’ weird limp banana handshake thing he does pregame.

Pamola Strikes v.  Titty’s Bangers  (-5)

Weekly underachiever Titty’s Bangers finally play to their potential
and get a decent victory today. Buck Ripcord (the GOAT) bowls to his
standards and has zero open frames in games 1 and 2, and Lefty yells
“WHAMMO” and complains about the rap music being too loud the entire
time. Lala has found her post-wedding form, and carries second point
over Doc Moose. “Glue guy” The Dude will not be here for the match,
but an above average day for Titty Bang Bang helps the team get bottom
points.

Doc Moose (more popularly known as husband of Lil Pickle and son in
law of G Force) will spend plenty of time doling out sage advice to
rookie T-Bowldog, but they both struggle to find their spots and get
drunk instead. Fun fact: despite his “helpful” attitude, Doc Moose is
actually a total villain and is not to be trusted! He loves gifting
old, terrible bowling balls to opponents and giving tips, but they’re
all meant for sabotage. What went wrong, G-Force? Don’t Trust Doc
Moose!

Magic’s Gathering (-1) v.   Draughts on Tap

This match should be close, but won’t bring much in entertainment
value. Cheddar will give everyone shit, bowl 185-200, insist he play
all three games, but choke in the end. For anyone questioning Magic’s
commitment to BoPo (how could you?) I would reference his sensational
karaoke work at last year’s BoPo Ball. That same passion and
commitment wins the early match today, with The Dentist (AKA “Mr Steal
Yo Girl”) getting a couple top points. He is one smooth operator,
folks. Cleveland will go big one game and struggle one game, as he has
at times this season, and Hambone guts out a tough point for the win.

Let’s bring it today, BoPo! Cheers.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>