Reminder this Sunday at 11:00 a.m. start time 11:30 a.m. is the Skittle Memorial Hat Tournament to honor BoPo legend Skittles and raise some green for Boys and Girls Club. If you didn’t know Joy let me just say she was the absolute fucking bomb. A true joy to be around pun intended, always at the lanes working on her craft and as down with the BoPo vibe as one can get. $20 gets you in and they will be selling $10 raffle tickets for a PBA Pass! Bingo! If you can’t make it because your Sundays are filled with chasing kids around soccer fields please consider a donation, I know I will be making one actually hit Pineapple with $20 last night she probably doesn’t remember it because she was blackout drunk at 6 p.m. What a surprise. See Pineapple and her 85 average and Mo$ if interested.
Early/Fake Late/Less Hungover on Friday
Spare Ribs (4-1) -1 versus There Will be Losses (1-4): Wow Hungus team is absolute dogshit as usual. #NewThunder when it comes to captaining draft. I think we see Slow back womaning the captain ship next season. For now, they will just take the losses and move on with their shitty lives. Although could be a sign that West found a Dr. Thunder ping pong ball in the Mezz yesterday so maybe that means a win is coming. Nah Thunder is a freaking loser too! Fuge is looking for more skin to tattoo and thus spending zero time practicing and drops a ball in the gutter every other frame. Slow Roll hasn’t been good since 2010 or so. Even with the average advantage I cannot favor the Dungus squad as they just find ways to lose. Dumptruck is a great name to have on this squad, they should throw this whole team in the back of it and deposit it at the dump! Other side of the coin people including myself laughed their balls off when Captain I grabbed Ruby C in the first round, had them pegged for zero wins until Iceberg and Crackerjackoff teams joined the division and here they are laughing their asses off at 4-1. Smoke and mirrors? We shall see. They just don’t have folks that go low. Holden is fresh off a fake 300, Cleaner and Edwina are solid, and Dutch will be slurring his words by 7:45 p.m. per usual. Here are Holden Green and Dutch celebrating the win when Dungus and Low Scoring Roll saunter by (wait for it!):
Cocktails and Cream (3-2) -3 versus X-Force (3-2): X Man’s squad is averaging a robust 612 and somehow has 3 wins thus the spread. On X Force it looks like everyone on the team forgot how to bowl. I think this pattern may be turning out much more difficult than everyone thought especially when you see T$ in the 150s and White Russian in the 140s. It’s football season so Tso isn’t talking to you if you are a fan of the NFL, he doesn’t want you disrespecting the flag. Cookies and Cream will be doing the disrespecting in this one as Sparkles and Glossy rain down strikes all over them. Here is Sparkles with Tso’s American flag after the match:
BoPo Sapiens (2-3) -1 versus Mo Problems (4-1): It’s early so that means Cheese most likely has Precious which might not necessarily be a good thing. Precious did jump up 12 points in average week over week and as prideful, narcissistic and conceited as this guy is you know he isn’t about to stay in the 170s for long. Similar team averages and I feel this might be a breakout night for the Twin Towers. Squatch rolled an 87 last week, that has to hurt. Hopefully that guy drinks! I would bench the guy after that!
Viking and Railroad versus the Twin Towers will be fun to watch. Looks like Cheese gonna knock out his partner if they lose:
Just the Tips (1-4) -15 versus UDFA 0-5: The battle of literally two of the worst teams in Draft League history. Hungus really ruined these 12 folks fall by just throwing them on an expansion team with no consideration for averages. Major Ass Danks is the second best (if you want to call it that) bowler on UDFA at like a 129 average that spells 560 team average and a beatdown every fucking week. I’ve got zero clue who is on Just the Tips, but they get their second and last win this evening. Actually, some research shows they got Ric Spair he of 15 strikes in a row, Iceberg and All Day this team could be a sleeper down the road should they cobble some wins together. Speaking of cobbling here is Luke at his second job:
Man, old people are the worst! No offense Happy Feet Pete!
Nuclear Banana (5-0) -1.5 versus Titty Bangers (2-3): NB dispatched an over confident Thunder squad to stay undefeated even without HBK. Well he is back tonight, and I think their depth pushes them to victory over the top-heavy Titty Bangers. Now that’s a team name after Brett Kavanaugh’s own heart! May he rest in peace. Banana remains the team to beat until someone knocks them off the throne:
Pamola Strikes (2-3) -3 versus Nothing on Tap (3-2): The old timer’s home at Pamola will be looking to take the still teamless Cheddar and his squad’s 617 average down the toilet tonight. It’s good that Implosion is on CheddBeat’s team because this squad is imploding. Cleveland is bowling like he is Detroit. Southpaw doesn’t show up half the team and Cheddar is wearing a “for sale” sign around everywhere he goes. Times are tough. Here is Mr. Florida after the win:
That’s a wrap folks, enjoy the early shift and drink some beers ya fucks:
-pass the mic-
Five weeks down, a bunch more to go! But this is the last week to get your All-Star spot. The All Star game is next Wednesday, October 3rd. Currently cutoffs for Lucky Bastard men is General Tso with a 182. Lucky Bastard lady cutoff is Rufio! with a 141. In the Skittles Division, dude’s cutoff is Jr. Hoss with a 179 and Chernobylayne is the lady benchmark with a 148. I did the math, and if I get 2 300s tonight I am definitely getting into that game! Looks like I only need to average about a 275, so I like my chances.
This weekend is the annual Skittles Bowling Tournament. All proceeds benefit the Portland Boys and Girls Club, a cause she long supported. $20 to play, event starts Sunday at 11. This is a baker style event with teams drawn out of a hat, a super fun way to get some practice in, and supports a great cause honoring a great woman. See Mo $ (of Mo Problems) or Pineapple (she’s on The Love Boat) to enter the event. They will also be selling $10 raffle tickets for a PBA pass for 2019…If you don’t see them tonight, you can enter on Sunday. Come out and bowl for Skittles!
On to the late matches!
Drama Llamas (-3) v. Sex on Saturdays – This is the match of the night for the late games. The 2 highest team averages in the Lucky Bastard Division face off. We have Gutterboi v. Nut Sauce (to close to call). We have a classic Dick fight with Du Jour and Whitman.
Yes, someone paid to have that movie made…Ummm, advantage nobody. Anybody know where I can get some of those pills?
Cygus v. Gutterslut goes to Cygnus. Island Boy (nice 200!), Luna, and 8-bit add a lot of depth to Drama Llamas, and that will be a difference over Bora Bora, Sticky Fingers (shout out to another S.F.!) and David Bowlie.
Both of these teams have great averages because their entire teams can contribute. But overall I see the llamas getting 3 points each game for the win.
I would be remiss if I didn’t point out that David Bowlie is in possession of the coveted Bowler of the Week trophy. She will be keeping her eyes peeled for some BoPo greatness to pass the award on to another bowler this evening. Think you have what it takes? Prove it tonight, you might be rewarded!
Bowlers Union (-3) v. Ex Presidents – Bowler’s Union has quietly taken care of business, posting a 4-1 record and finds itself in a playoff spot. The Ex-Presidents have quietly done the opposite, losing a bunch of matches and posting a 1-4 record to start the season.
We all know Mitch Cumstein and Deputy know what they are doing, so their averages are not a big surprise. But who is this Squeaky G guy? He has a 170+ average, and that covers third point most of the time in this league. Sea-Town found a ringer in that guy. Bowlers Union is an under the radar team that I think nobody wants to play if you need a win. Here is Strike Tyson after the match doing his best Holden Green impression:
The Ex-Presidents know that its all pre-season until the playoffs. Unless you don’t make the playoffs, which they won’t do this year. Badger will likely be an All-Star, but he’ll be lonely at that one. Not enough firepower to get the win.
BTTTTR (-5) v. Team Moxie – What’s that you say? You don’t see Team Moxie on the Stats or the Standings? Diesel would like it to be known his team name is Team Moxie, not The Key Party. Price you pay for losing the locker key, Danny.
Any team captained by Danny Diesel is bound to lose a lot of games. Any team featuring the never ending wackiness that is BTTTTR is bound to lose a bunch also. So somethings got to give. And let’s face it, Diesel, your key hiding and shirt sizing will not stand!
The wild inconsistency of BTTTTR is a real mystery to absolutely nobody. Especially Das Ducken who watches the team’s descent in madness each week. Last week BTTTTR opened up game 2 with all bowlers getting a 9/. As I looked at the board I couldn’t remember how I got my 9/….then I was reminded that I wasn’t bowling that game! The lesson, as always, is that I am an idiot. #prayforduck
Jerk, Spare-O,McDabbin and Farmer earlier this afternoon:
Having said that, individuals have been putting up some scores, and tonight is the night they actually all do it at the same time. At least I hope so. They’ll need it to keep pace with Rev Lord, Danny, and Sparetime. Can Bowl Murray and Das Ducken handle Ice Ice Mary and Viqueen? I vote yes, and that’s a win for BTTTTR.
EDITORS NOTE: The following line was written by guest prognosticator Fluff Head (that’s not his real bowling name). I’ll let you read it and figure out who wrote it.
Magic’s Gathering (-1) vs BTTTTR-Also – Thunder and his squad are coming off a loss last week to Nuclear Banana. Leave it to Thunder to somehow lose to a team missing their top bowler. The curse of Thunder never captaining a team to the playoffs is starting to take hold. Perhaps he should spend more time practicing and less time being a hack facebook sports commentator. Thunder has been bowling anchor this season, and by anchor I mean dragging the entire team down. Word on the street is Brooklyn and Twisted T have been begging to be traded and even offering incentive deals, but have not gotten any takers. They are going to need to bring the heat if they want to take down Magic and his crew. They are coming off a big win and have no intentions of slowing down. I expect high rolling yielding high scores from Momma D. Hambone, and Magic are looking strong this season, but the decider will be the Dentist. I see him finally getting his head in the game and putting up his first 200 in a victory over Buy the Ticket Take the Curse.
This is Thunder tonight after another 140 game and a loss.
EDITORS NOTE: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FONN-0uoTHI
We now return you to the regularly scheduled lines.
Pullout Couch (-5) v. Big Party – I get the feeling that this one will not be close. Pullout Couch is pretty loaded, they are only 4 points off of the league lead for team average, and they get the team that has the lowest average in the Skittles Division (yet sit at 3-2 and in a playoff spot). Yao Romo and Ginger Ninja make for good depth for this team, and we all know Couch is a beast. Couch kind of reminds me of this guy:
As Big Party start to play the better teams in the division, the losses will mount, and G-Force will let his feelings show. Here we see him headed over to Big Party’s place to let him know he’s a baaaaaad man with an assist from HQ by Happy Feet Pete:
Big Party sees it differently:
The Love Boat (-3) v. Saint Hexy’s Hooligans – 200 Alert! 200 Alert! Congrats to Hexy on getting her first BoPo 200 last week! 7 years in the making, so good to see her get one on the stat sheet!
Thus concludes the highlights for the Hooligans. Love Boat takes care of business in this one.
I expect a huge night out of Knuckles to be the difference in this one. She is sporting a solid average, and loves the Ricky Vaughn vibe on the Screw Canoe.
Most folks know Rick as the successful local guy that he is, but many don’t know about his college days. Sure, he was captain of the squash team, but he also partied a bit too much down there in Tennessee, and then hired a lawyer to try to clean up his mess:
Oh Ricky…is that some type of hazing you do to new members of your team?! As a returning player, did G Unit not have to butt chug anything?
Let’s boogie down tonight! Please Mister Officer, I only had some vodka, little marijuana, plus a few Vicodin…I love this tune: