Incredibowls 9.5 Pinups 5.5

Wrecking Balls 9 Three Fingered Willies 6

Binga’s Ringas 13 Sweet Rolls 2

Off Constantly 10 Roll Another 5

Madbotts 9 Great Lost Spares 6 (now every team has a win!)

Happy Hands 8.5 Pud’s Taxi 6.5

Livin’ On A Spare 12 Bowlderdash 3

Young and the Bowled 9 Three Livers 6

Saucy Posse 9 TDYOB 6

Huevos Rancheros 11 UREA! 4

Dirty Half Dozen 13 Lesbowlians 2

Urban Achievers 13.5 Gutterballs 1.5

Strikes of Hazzard 14 The Who? 1

200+ Scorers

T-$, UREA! 211

La Gatita, Urban Achievers (again!)    204

Moose Knuckles, Urban Achievers      209

Jamaican Jerk, Binga’s Ringas             222, 218

TONIGHT’S POSTGAME = KARAOKE! First stop Novare Res, then if anyone is feeling it around 1130 or so, we can wander over to Old Port Tavern and turn that mutha out. Or, if not feeling it, we just stay at Novare Res and enjoy our booze.

As for lane assignments, it will be first come, first served tonight.  I’ll be there at 6, and you can just tell me when you arrive what lane you want.  If your opponent is there first, then they will pick where your game is played.

Maybe I’m just crazy because I have a bye week this week - I’m the comissioner, dammit.  Oh well.  So, I’m here jamming to my favorite yacht rock tunes, and here are your lyrical lines.  Forgive the non sequitir nature of most of them.

Game of the Week:

#3 Urban Achievers (-5) vs. #8 Gutterballs: Mira, mira, mira, mira!  What’s happening girls? International sensation La Gatita leads Pinky and the rest of the Achievers, and is nothing like J-Lo. Rusty Nail’s postgame interview after his 257: Hey, look me over, tell me do you like what you see, hey, I ain’t got no money, but honey I’m rich on personality - baby I’m a star!  Might not know it now, baby you’ll find out.

The Rest:

#6 Saucy Posse (-3) vs #15 TDYOB: “It’s a family affair” vs “All day long, keeping up a mask of false bravado”.

#4 Livin’ On A Spare (-5) vs Bowlderdash: LOS is trying to hold on to what they got, but since everyone makes the playoffs, doesn’t make a difference if they make it or not.

#10 Young and the Bowled (-7) vs Three Livers: I’m willing to play, whatever you say, if love is the end, playing your game baby, your game baby.

Great Lost Spares (-4) vs Madbotts: If loving you is wrong, I don’t want to be right.  Madbotts only team in the league without a win, and this is the last dance, last chance, for looooooove.  But when they’re bad, they’re oh so bad.

#16 Pud’s Taxi (-3) vs. #20 Happy Hands: Cuppy: “She’s gonna love me in my Chevy van, and that’s alright by me.”  Max Shipp shares the sentiment, but is a little more verbose: I’m a Capricorn, and I’m here to get mannish.  Oooh, I know it’s good when she starts speaking Spanish.  Are you that Zodiac freak I’ve been looking for?

#18 Strikes of Hazzard (-5) vs. The Who?: $5 dollars worth of regular, $3 worth of wine - I’m gonna drink and drive that woman right off of my mind.  Good luck with that Strikes, cause Ichy Poo will make that difficult, you must understand, that the touch of your hand, makes her pulse react.  It’s physical.  Only logical.

#11 Huevos Rancheros (-10) vs. UREA!: I want to be a cowboy’s sweetheart.  I want to learn to rope and to ride.  UREA! is satisfied, hiding in their friends’ apartment, only leaving once a day to buy some groceries.

#7 Dirty Half Dozen (-11) vs Lesbowlians: If you need a friend, don’t look to a stranger.  Two teams very familiar with each other have a showdown here.  I’m sorry but I’m just thinking of the right words to say, I know they don’t sound they way I planned them to be.

#2 Off Constantly (-11) vs #19 Roll Another: OC still sitting here in limbo, like a bird without a song, waiting for another title shot. Hey Roll Another, look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity to seize everything you ever wanted in one moment, would you capture it, or just let it slip? Chupacabra will not leave vomit on his sweater, no matter what.

#1 Binga’s Ringas (-9) vs #12 Sweet Rolls: You know me, I’m your man, your main boy, thick or thin, I’m your pusherman.

Wrecking Balls (-1) vs Three Fingered Willies: A battle for first! Nah, it was just my imagination, running away with me.

#13 Incredibowls (-3) vs #14 Pinups: Chunk: It was plain to see, that a small town boy like me, just wasn’t your cup of tea, it was wishful thinking.  Big Ern: It ain’t so hard to say, would you please just go away.  Since Chunk was jettisoned, the Pinups are in a tailspin.

Urban Achievers 14 Young and the Bowled 1

Sometimes with BP’s wacky points system, a 14-1 match can be a lot more competitive than the final score might suggest – this, however, was not one of those instances.  Under the bright lights of the big Game(s) of the Week stage, The Urban Achievers put on a rip-roarin’, ass-whoopin’ exhibition.  La Gatita and her band of pin-slayers solidified their place amongst the giants of BowlPortland, while the impressive femme fatale continued her freight train campaign for Rolla’ of the Year.  J Hammer, M Knuckles, and D.R.M.A. are all happy to be along for the ride, plenty proud of their team’s flourishing as an equal-opportunity destroyer.

On the other side of the score, The Young and the Bowled picked the wrong night to turn in a sub-par performance.  It was a lesson in humility for the Gang Green, as they got their little green heinies racily spanked; and while spankings usually excite and arouse this sassy bunch, Captain LouDawg was suffering from a bad case of ‘whiskey balls’ and the whole team agreed that, “coach’s words are less inspiring when he’s drunk and slurring.”  The YBers did score some moral victories, though, with Pistol Pete breaking the 200-barrier and Senator ITZ getting back on the ballot.

From Dr. Thunder (the guy with no sleeves), TDYOB

TDYOB 15 UREA! 0

Quite frankly the drinking year of bork has been lucky this year, with the wins and the fact that everyone they have rolled against has been an absolute blast to hang out with and UREA! was no exception.  UREA! was shorthanded due to T$ injury and had 4 people and TDYOB had four folks show as well.  UREA! quickly admitted that they were an expansion squad “as you will soon find out.” to which the borkers stated we too are an expansion team.  So right away, of course, Roy Munson felt the borkers were being sandbagged and called us in for a team chug.  Unfortunately UREA! was feeling under the weather and were not really imbibing too much but it didn’t stop them from having a blast and knocking down pins.  The Borkers also had Roy and Spooky’s 1 year old son in attendance who we quickly named DaFino.  Fortunately DaFino after a spat of trying to steal prizes and hand out shoes behind the counter feel asleep.  As the games got started UREA! said to the Borkers, “We thought you were an expansion team?”  To which the borkers responded, “We are, but we are also a bunch of 30 year old losers that consider ourselves athletes and pretty much roll 6 games a day here for the hopes of getting into the 150’s.”  Knuckles, T-Roll, J-Brid,and The Spade all broke it down on the dance floor and killed some pins, but in the end the borkers were too much for them as Spooky roared back from her vacation lay off and the Dr. (who won 2 of the 3 games over Roy and the Sheriff by the way….) Roy and the Sheriff all got each other fired up with safety meetings and flexing competitions.  How many push ups at Coach Paul’s can you do?  In the end Knuckles put it best when the Dr. missed yet another easy spare, “I love it when you freak out.”  The Dr. summed it up by stating, “This is the best night of my life!” and it had nothing to do with winning or losing a bowling match up, we are lucky with what we have in Bowl Portland, you don’t see many competitive venues where competitors jump up and celebrate their opponents great plays.  Roll BoPo……

From Oolie (the guy who loves Party In The U.S.A.), No Pins Intended

Off Constantly 15 No Pins Intended 0

It was clear early on that this Goliath had no respect for David.

No Pins Intended assumed that Off Constantly would have staked out the lanes an hour early just to get in the groove, but no – they skipped the warm-up altogether and strolled in with just enough time to lace up their shoes, and step up to the line. You could practically smell the arrogance oozing out of their pores. It was rank - like a slow jog past the East End shit-plant tanks.

While in theory, NPI could have seized the chance to sprint out to a lead while the juggernauts lumbered to loosen their steely joints and find balance, OC’s dominance was established by mid-game and NPI was fighting for one - maybe two points. Dick Liquor faked an injury and put the rumor mill in motion to suggest that his “stress fracture” was going to somehow adversely affect his game. He struck out the 10^th frame – quelling any hopes of hot-to-trot Captain Wut What or Oolie grabbing the glory of top point.

If Off Constantly did show any stress, it was due to the fact that they had no answer to the ever-present gyrations and boisterous frolic of a fabulous team united in the true spirit of BowlPortland. OC’s modus operandi? A boycott of all merrymaking, Knuffi fluttering her long lashes at passers-by, two sets of twins acting out their own Doublemint ad/Twilight Zone episode hybrid, and a general sittin’ on their duffs ‘til it was their particular name with the blinking arrow.

While the Ram brothers tried to improvise with an insatiable thirst for Allen’s Coffee Brandy and a bar that had 86’d milk, and T-Wrex v2.0 rocked out her fave pair of spandex pants, Diesel continued to improve upon her very effective “Arabesque” ( http://bit.ly/a0OWKX ) bowling style.

Long story short… Off Constantly pulls 9^th and 10^th frame miracles out of their asses to destroy the dreams of would-be heroines and heroes.

From Chupacabra (legendary goat-killer), Roll Another

Three Livers 10 Roll Another 5

From the backwoods of the state that is cognitive dysfunction I am going to attempt to recap the pin crushing mayhem that went down on greasy lanes 11 and 12 last night.

Both teams in the match up were in fact originals of the league, bringing with them nearly 3 seasons of experience, they both knew very well what it takes to be prolific bowling teams… and thankfully they both decided to take the higher ground and focus on drinking, yelling, and having an all around great time. This however does not detract from the fact that both teams did come to bowl, and bowl they did. Roll Another the five point favorite in the game came out cold, having to mount a late first string rally to take a 4-1 lead into the second string. The second string we saw a 3 livers team that came out with fury, if you follow my theological train of thought I have strong evidence to support the idea that there’s a god for most everything, a god of chicken gravy, a god of shoe strings, and certainly a god of liquor… appropriately on this night the god of liquor smiled down upon the faithful 3 Livers crew. The second string saw 3 livers surge back with a 4-1 stomping, it was obvious the liquor was taking hold and for Roll Another this meant that their perfidious relations with the liquor gods this season left them with no choice but try hit the bar hard and hope to reestablish a formerly chummy relationship.  Dr.McGillicuddy’s, Crown Royal, Jack Daniels, PBR by the buckets…. but like flossing your teeth for 20 mins before going to the dentist it was obvious we had been slacking. The third sting was a token of 3 livers good faith and through blurred visions and hysterical laughter Roll Another watch as 3 Livers gracefully bestowed upon them a 5-0 pounding.

Written by Dirk McLucky, 3-Fingered Willies

Saucy Posse 12 Three Fingered Willies 3

SauPo came out swinging early in this matchup between the #8 ranked Posse and sentimental favorites Thee Fingered Willies.  Both teams bowled to close to their averages, but, fortunately or unfortunately depending on your point of view, SauPo averages about 100 pins a game more than 3FW.  So, not surprisingly, SauPo rolled to a 5-0 win in game 1.  Game 2 was an almost exact copy of game 1, with both teams staying true to form and SauPo opening up a 10-0 lead.  Game 3 was different.  At least it was different for 3FW.  The 4 Willies who made it to the lanes (Slick Nick, Sweets McCoy, and the Family McLucky) found their inner Pete Webbers and posted a team record 568.  This was not enough to overcome Walter’s impressive 201 and SauPo’s 578, but it was enough for 3FW to avoid the shutout and pick up 3 much needed points.

Also, congrats to Splits Happen on their first win.  Now 30 of 31 teams have a win!  That’s awesome.

200+ Rollers:

La Gatita, Urban Achievers 223, 203

Pistol Pete, Y&B 205

Riggs, DHD 213

Cheddar, BEER 203

Walter, SauPo 201

D.R.M.A. Urban  221

Now, the scores.  There was a definite lack of energy in the air last night.  Baseball has its “dog days”, BowlPortland has its “early March”.  Now, though, with only three weeks left, the energy will start returning.  Folks are jockeying for playoff position, and then people realize this thing is fleeting, and the BoPo family only has a few more postgames together.  So, get ready for the exciting final stretch!

Week 9 Scores

Off Constantly 15 No Pins Intended 0

TDYOB 15 UREA! 0

Pinups 12 Wrecking Balls 3

CB O’Nutz 10 ICBING 5

Livin On A Spare 12 Strikes of Hazzard 3

Three Livers 10 Roll Another 5

Pud’s Taxi 10 Lesbowlians 5

Urban Achievers 14 Young & Bowled 1

BEER 8.5 Dirty Half Dozen 6.5

Splits Happen 10 Great Lost Spares 5

Saucy Posse 12 Three Fingered Willies 3

Sweet Rolls 8 Incredibowls 7 (game one in last frame)

Happy Hands Productions 15 Madbotts 0

Game(s) of the Week:

#7 Dirty Half Dozen (-2) vs. #6 B.E.E.R.: Over many scotches this weekend, Filthy, Tom Richards and I broke the league down into seven tiers.  I also fell asleep in a snowmobile helmet.  The point is, DHD and BEER are evenly matched this year, with both teams feeling like they could make a tourney run.  DHD gets the edge here, because they’ve already proven they can do it.

#3 Urban Achievers (-5) vs #5 Young and the Bowled: There’s a big dropoff after #3 this year.  The Urban Achievers are in a no-man’s land (their own tier, one might say, after several scotches), stuck behind Binga’s and OC, but ahead of everyone else.  The Young and the Bowled have taken advantage of a soft schedule, but are about to walk into a meat grinder with the Achievers followed by Off Constantly.  A win would make a big statement.  Lou Dawg’s shorts make a big statement.

The Rest:

#19 TDYOB (-7) vs. UREA!: The Dr. is still riding high over his sleeveless cover shot.  UREA! in a tailspin without T-$, but he could be back.

#4 Livin’ On A Spare (-5) vs. #14 Strikes of Hazzard: Precious may have been a BowlPortland comet, burning bright but only for a brief time.  Uncle Jesse and his boys know a little something about burning, and have made a great move up the standings, but this would take all the stars aligning.

#10 C.B. O’Nuts (-3) vs. #15 ICBING: The Nutz will handle the schedule change professionally, then Bustah Nut will blow up some pins for victory.  ICBING is pretty hard to predict, so let’s just say they’ll bowl and wear plaid.

#2 Off Constantly (-13) vs. No Pins Intended: NPI is paring its roster down to a lean 4 player team, but they continue to face a murderous schedule.  Off Constantly is just trying to keep focused until the playoffs.  At least they have the YB’s pushing for the division crown to keep them motivated.

#16 Pud’s Taxi (-9) vs. Lesbowlians: These teams sought each other out and requested a schedule change  for this grudge match.  Well, wish granted, enjoy.

#18 Roll Another (-5) vs. Three Livers: Here you go Roll, another chance to move up the rankings.  3L is pack to partying, but the bowling has been absent.  Maybe this is the week it all comes together.

Splits Happen (-1) vs. Great Lost Spares: Splits’ first game as a favorite, but could be close.  Unless one of these teams can rack up a huge victory, they’re both staring the play-in round squarely in the face.  Pink bears don’t front.

Happy Hands (-7) vs. Madbotts:  In a way, Madbotts is the “Joanie Loves Chachi” to Happy Hands’ “Happy Days”, a spinoff of Madgirl’s guest appearance on Happy Hands in 2009.  Hard to pick a spinoff to win over the original, but should make for a very entertaining episode.

#11 Incredibowls (-3) vs. #17 Sweet Rolls: This is a nice, solid matchup.  Sweet Rolls may have more depth, but I just have a hunch the Incredibowls will take it.

#13 Pinups (-7) vs Wrecking Balls: Pinups have fallen on hard times, whereas the Wrecking Balls have been there from the beginning.  Maybe they’ve got some momentum after a close game last week.

#8 Saucy Posse vs. Three Fingered Willies: The Willies have been rattled by injuries, but have gamely kept on rolling hard.  SauPo sees a chance to climb to #6.

Lanes:

1 Pinups 2 Wrecking Balls

3 CB O’Nutz 4 ICBING

5 Strikes of Hazzard 6 Livin on a Spare

7 TDYOB 8 UREA!

9 No Pins Intended 10 Off Constantly

11 Three Livers 12 Roll Another

13 Pud’s Taxi 14 Roll Another

15 Urban Achievers 16 Young and the Bowled

17 BEER 18 Dirty Half Dozen

19 Splits Happen 20 Great Lost Spares

21 Saucy Posse 22 Three Fingered Willies

23 Incredibowls 24 Sweet Rolls

25 Happy Hands 26 Madbotts

Pud’s Taxi 15 Madbotts 0

Binga’s 15 Three Livers 0

Off Constantly 14 Happy Hands 1

Dirty Half Dozen 14 Buxton Slingers 1

Strikes of Hazzard 14 Three Fingered Willies 1

The Who? 14 Great Lost Spares 1

Gutterballs 11 Bowlderdash 4

Suacy Posse 11 Sweet Rolls 4

BEER 10 Wrecking Balls 5

Incredibowls 10 TDYOB 5

Huevos Rancheros 9 ICBING 6

Young & Bowled 9 Roll Another 6

CB O’Nutz 8 No Pins Intended 7

200+ rollers:

Rusty Nail, Gutterballs 257

Rambler, Huevos Rancheros 234

Jamaican Jerk, Binga’s 216

Buffalo Booth, Binga’s 214

Dick Liquor, OC 202

3 The Who? 4 Great Lost Spares

5 Incredibowls 6 TDYOB

7 No Pins Intended 8 CB O’Nutz

9 Roll Another 10 Young and the Bowled

11 Off Constantly 12 Happy Hands

13 Binga’s Ringas 14 Three Livers

15 Madbotts 16 Pud’s Taxi

17 BEER 18 Wreking Balls

19  Huevos Rancheros 20 ICBING

21 Splits Happen  22 Dirty Half Dozen

23 Bowlderdash 24 Gutterballs

25 Three Fingered Willies 26 Strikes of Hazzard

Game of the Week:

#19 Pud’s Taxi (-6) vs. Madbotts: If Pud’s comes through with the fashion plans they discussed at last week’s postgame, this game will be amazing to watch.  Two of BoPo’s most fascinating teams clash!

The Rest:

#10 ICBING (-2) vs. #13 Huevos Rancheros: Two teams heading in opposite directions.  Actually, ICBING just kind of stays put and watches teams rise and fall around them.  Then they giggle sometimes.

#1 Binga’s Ringas (-13) vs. Three Livers: Wings vs. M+Ms.

#12 Incredibowls (-1) vs. TDYOB: TDYOB knocked back to Earth last week.  This is the time of year the Incredibowls traditionally start heating up.

#17 Sweet Rolls (-1) vs. #6 Saucy Posse: Upset alert!  Sweet Rolls welcomed back Sugar Daddy last week and he was all that.  If they can combine him and Hot Tamale, that is sweet and spicy power.  SauPo may be due for a letdown.

Great Lost Spares (-1) vs. The Who?: The Who? picked up their first win last week.  The Spares also have one win.  This may be the best chance for either of them to get a 2nd.

#8 Dirty Half Dozen (-13) vs. Buxton Slingers: DHD has got their dirty game face back on.  Take no prisoners.  The Slingers are steadily improving, but this is too tall an order.  Curious to see what they did with all that cash they won last week.  Lots of ones.

#15 Strikes of Hazzard (-7) vs. Three Fingered Willies: The Willies were bit hard by the serious injury bug.  Damn bugs.  Strikes should cruise tonight, and hoping to slide up the rankings a bit with some good results around the league.

#7 BEER (-5) vs Wrecking Balls: At the 25th Anniversary of WrestleMania, Matt and Jeff Hardy are pitted to face off against each other after several back-stabbing actions on behalf of Matt. At Royal Rumble, Matt knocked out his brother with a steel chair, allowing Edge to defeat him for the WWE Championship and dropping jaws around the WWE Universe. But this was hardly the first instance of a sibling showdown.  Hungus vs. The Dude has offered that drama for three years running.  This year the Dude is struggling, but I expect his best game.  Won’t be enough, though, this BEER team is the best in franchise history.  No offense, Roy G.

#5 Young and the Bowled (-5) vs #14 Roll Another: The Y&B’s haven’t really been tested yet.  Hey Roll Another, if you’re looking for some street cred, tonight’s your night to grab it.

#2 Off Constantly (-13) vs Happy Hands Productions: Drink off! Glad the Hands Family got a win recently.

#9 Gutterballs (-9) vs Bowlderdash: Michael Bowlton will not be distracted by Three Boob Betty.  Gutterballs will not be distracted by Bowlderdash.

#11 CB O’Nutz (-7) vs. #20 No Pins Intended: I don’t have a good feeling about this game.

Last Week: 9-4

Overall: 68-23