Cupid is out of town hanging with Jimmy Buffet, so I have my protégé working on early lines which I expect to suck. Quite frankly all the lines I don’t write sucks, but that’s just Oakie’s opinion. Speaking of sucking major mail in coming on the late lines as I just remembered today at 10 a.m. that I hadn’t done them so fuck yourself. Also hope everyone survived the Great Wind Storm of 2017 and your power is back if it isn’t mine is as of 5:40 a.m. yesterday morning so move out of shitville if you want some power.
Never Flush vs. Skol(-1)
Purple Nurple will have a difficult time keeping up with his regular season teammate, Holden Green, on the booze front as Holden will be jonesing for some drink after a long day of managing the heavy lifters over at the gym. That aside, Skol is hurting and wanting to pillage some unsuspecting village. Their norsemen and women alike have been sacked all season and I see them coming out and cutting down a confident and perhaps content Never Flush. How do you get to 3 and 6 with a 675 average? Well, I can’t remember the last time I spotted a knarr looming on the horizon. Spidey gets educated by an angry Viking:
Cakeballs(-3) vs. Das Strike Machine
Speaking of sacked, this matchup is like watching a Browns 49ers game. The injuries are the most exciting part. Overall, their averages are only four pins apart, and their records are also very close, to the bottom. With any luck, Strike Tyson comes out of nowhere and mows down Slugga in a classic first round ass whipping.
Just kidding guys, no fighting. Its Cakeballs tonight because that clip it going to get Strike Tyson and Northpaw pumped.
Liquid Talent(-1) vs. Fuckdafino
Squatch has got this one pegged, but it won’t come too easy. The word in the parking lot is Hark Attack and Sparetime are out hawking a secret weapon that Ramrod created.
Liquid Talents rough riders carry Teddy Roosevelt’s big stick ideology on their shoulders while the Cheez-its look like they take losing a little harder. Distracted by the wounds of their past, Fuckdafino (Italian soft drink?) won’t see the Talent coming before it’s too late. Similar standings, close in points, and near identical pinfall averages, this match will go to game three in a desperate struggle for mediocrity. Here is couch, putting it to the competition.
Shitzengiggles vs. Got Wood?
Corn Nut sollte heute Abend einen Hühnerflügel in der Tasche haben, wenn es Hoffnung auf einen Shitzengiggles-Sieg gibt. Dick Du Jour befindet sich in einem tiefen, dunklen Loch, nachdem er seinen Griff geändert und das Vertrauen in den Hexendoktor des Bohrers verloren hat. Mit Deputy als Top-Gun auf Platz 30, ist er von Doc Moose und Duke Thunderwood mit 19 und 33 gut eingeklammert. Count auf Got Wood kommt in diesem hart heraus.
Skipper hates jerries!
Brandy’s Savages vs. Hexy’s Hooligans
The Savages walk in to this matchup with a chip on their shoulder having most of the Nut division looking up at them, while the Hooligans teeter on the edge and look to solidify their position at “just barely”. It will without doubt be a scrappy bout, but Brandy and her crew have this one figured out. I wrote that jam myself. I’m going platinum. I can’t stop thinking of this match as a scene from Warriors. What’s that? A Warriors bowling ball theme?
Border Crossers vs. The Management Border Crossers? Where’s my wall already? Most of these guys came from who knows where and now they are taking all the bopo spots. Used to be we had a nice little club, but now bowlers are sneaking in from all over. Sure, Magic has been here for a while, but he likes everyone. The Management looks to be struggling to keep going through the motions, if they can stay awake till the end they might get a couple points. After the mamas and the papas had trees fall all around their homes and power off for days, I bet they will be happy to be out early. Don’t expect to see ball speed displayed in this match as Magic and Tron will be competing for fastest throw, blinking out the speedo at 35 mph. Heres The Management in a couple years. Watch out, when you see glitter and black lights, you know it’s happening.
Winter is Here (4-5) -1 vs. Hello Friend! (6-3): Chedd Cosby’s crew has 40 pins on Rick V’s squad but something tells me it’s been a tough week for Chedd Cosby. He is literally the only dude still in Portland without power and got held at gunpoint by a SWAT team member last night trying to leave his dark hole:
Freaking jobless homeless bastard cannot catch a break. On the other side of the docket you got those tool GOT fans coming off a large win over a drunk ass Sparkles and team. I think they are building momentum and the Friends are overtired from lack of power. Here is Spare-O after the loss:
Drunken Noodle (6-3) vs Rad Team -3 (7-2): Wow this is the match of the night. Both teams have 690 something averages and heavy hitters in Dentist and Southpaw for Rad Team and Ten Pin Haz Bin and Railroad for the noodles. Speaking of Railroad:
Fart Nugget has her squad heading in the right direction, the Rad Team has dropped a couple lately as Dentist and Southpaw’s partying has spiraled out of control. Here they are at the turn heading to the back 9 and PooPooDeck:
Well just hear from White Nugget no Haz Bin tonight so flipped the line from -1 Fart Nugget to -3 Rad Team. Dentist and South Paw despite their party problem will be too much for the noodles without old man river:
Oakie thanks all the old people in the league older than him…..
Bayside Hellraisers (5-4) -3 versus Happy Hour Losers (2-7): I literally have no fucking idea how BH has won 5 games, to the point where I asked Stiffy and he responded, “I don’t either man, I thought we would win 2 games, and that 3 would be a stretch.” They traded energy Rubbys for a 128 average guy in Hakeem Blowmyself who recently paid Thunder $100 for wiping the floor with him in head to head draft league average. Knowing Blunder Hakeem may have paid too early. On the other side All Day is playing out the string and like everyone else on the team is saying to herself I wish this guy never drafted me. It’s like getting drafted by the Cleveland Browns you know everything will suck. Like this:
Rufio (9-0) -12 versus Too Much Too Fast (4-5): No Farmer tonight that helps TMTF, playing Rufio’s undefeated squad does not. Something tells Oakie the undefeated season is getting to them. They benched a bunch of their players and only gave them one game to keep the meaningless undefeated streak going. Here are Booth and Diesel Interrogating Rev Lord after the match:
Tea with Mrs. McGuil (1-8) -1 versus Shotclock Violation (2-7): The worst team in the league gets their second win tonight and avoids Blunder’s record of futility. Shotclock’s captain went social media announcement with some big news a baby Sasmquatch is in the oven, congrats guys! I think Roadhead straighten it out moves right and doesn’t let Tango break his heart again this time with a 12-pound ball. Here are the 2 v 2 partners after the match:
That’s My Son! (6-3) -1 vs Bumblebee Tuna (5-4): Nut Sauce will bring the heat, word is Hot Sauce coming for the match just to party. Jerk will give Nut a run for her money, Walter has been great all year, after that no one over 160 and Thunder’s squad doesn’t only has two folks under 160 and one of them is at 155. I think the depth of Thunder’s squad wins them the match in 3, and Mo$ rolls 149s all night. Lots of Bork in this match with Mo$, Salad and Dr. 246:
And you know it’s gonna be: