Postgame is at Novare Res. The MaineToday.com photographer will be back, too, so look pretty.

This is the last new site, then we’ll start hitting bars a second time.  Is anyone going to Great Lost Bear for pregames?

Also, tired of $20 50/50 “jackpots”?  BowlPortland is getting back in the 50/50 business this week.  Our pots have reached as high as $130, so buy a ticket or 6.

Game of the Week:

#6 Dirty Half Dozen (-3) vs. #11 Gutterballs: Gutterballs has gotten off to a hot start, and actually has a lead in the division over pre-season favorites DHD.  This is their chance to prove they belong.  If they are ever going to utilize their Nomia sponsorship to distract their opponents, this would be the week.  A win here would mark a sea change in the PYT pecking order ocean.  Um.  As for DHD, they welcome back league favorite Dutch for a one game cameo.  She walks right into a crucial game, but her team is starting to rally behind the steady excellence of Pirate.  Surprisingly, Riggs has not commented on Baby Riggs’ positive press last week.

The Rest:

#9 Living on a Spare (-13) vs. The Who?: The Who looked tired in the Superbowl performance and I don’t see them being fully recovered by Tuesday.  LOS doesn’t seem to get any in-between matchups.  Alley-Luejah expecting big things from Precious, or else he’ll get the hose again.

#5 Huevos Rancheros (-5) vs. #19 TDYOB: It’s early, but Huevos has a chance to really get some breathing room in the Thriller division.  At the end of the day, it should be between them and Livin’, but right now TDYOB is in 2nd, and wants a shot at the crown.  I think that shot is premature.  I expect big things from Muskrat both on the lanes and the 50/50 sales front.

#16 ICBING (-7) vs. UREA!: ICBING is in a slump, having been pushed by TDYOB then knocked off by the Strikes of Hazzard.  Can they rebound here?  I think so.  UREA! is the league’s quiet, mystery team.  They are also small - only four players, the same each week, forcing T-$ to bowl left handed since there are no injury replacements.  Talk about tortured artists. I’m really hoping this team produces an original piece of art to be given away at the Bowling Ball, or hung at Bayside Bowl.  Hint, hint, J-Bird.

#15 Strikes of Hazzard (-11) vs. Madbotts:  I’ve been talking up Uncle Jesse in these pages for weeks, and then I ran into him this weekend and he asked “hey, did you see that we’ve been winning?”  Huh?  Turns out Uncle Jesse hasn’t been reading (or, as Cooter whispered to me, can’t read).  Fine then, Strikes.  Your name is mud to me.  Welcome to Heel-hood.  Unfortunately I can’t pick them to lose here, as the Madbotts have yet to pick up a win. They are still stealing the league’s collective heart, though.

Bowlderdash (-5) vs. Splits Happen:  Michael Bowlton has turned to some unorthodox motivational techniques, betting with his team members that they couldn’t cover the spread last week (they did, and he lost money).  We have no policy on gambling, so more power to him, but is he rich enough to keep this tactic going?  In unrelated news, what’s with that new $1 per ticket “Yo-Pleau” surcharge on SPACE tickets?  Splits Happen have been nothing if not resilient, and survived a potentially demoralizing loss last week in high spirits and ready to roll.  Izzy is starting to get a read on her team, which is an accomplishment when you have 19 players on your roster.

#1 Binga’s Ringas (-13) vs. Three Fingered Willies:  On behalf of BEER, I want to apologize to Dirk McLucky.  Our team did just enough last week to light a fire under Binga’s, and in addition to using it to spark one, they will use it for motivation to rally to another big score this week.  Binga’s is facing a suspension, however, on a league finance violation.  Uh-oh!

#4 BEER (-1) vs. #12 Saucy Posse: A couple of solid but not spectacular teams find themselves playing well but buried in the standings.  BEER will have to stay up after their collapse against Binga’s.  Luckily  for BEER, Charlie’s Angel and Slow Roll should be back, and Tom “Don’t Patronize Me” Richards is rolling angry. SauPo has had to deal with D Sauce’s demands to be traded to “Strikes of Hazzard, or ICBING, or Binga’s, at least for pregame”.  Can P Sauce hold the family together?  I think it’s time for N Sauce to have one of her big weeks.  Should be the closest game of the night.

#3 Urban Achievers (-5) vs. #13 No Pins Intended:  NPI has been battling back into contention, but now face their sternest test of the season.  Unless Randy Ram channels Odin (could happen), or tags out to The Iron Sheik (perhaps less likely), I see a tough loss coming.  The Achievers could actually take over the PYT lead if DHD and the Gutterballs beat each other up a bit.

Lesbowlians (-9) vs. Great Lost Spares:  This looks like a good week for the Lesbowlians.  They need a big win to move out of the dreaded bottom six play-in spots, and this is the chance.  They are riding a hot Tilt-A-Whirl into this one (tee hee) and Trixy has her troops motivated.  The Spares counter with a giant pink bear, the Great Gay Bear, and a week of rest to get their heads right.

#8 Pinups (-5) vs. #18 Roll Another:  It’s always a dangerous bet to take a Big Ern coached team and the points, but there is too much talent on that team to ignore.  They do seem stuck in the 80’s - in a good way.  Roll Another is the least ballyhooed 3rd year team in BoPo.  A win here might make some noise for them, but they would probably just go back to the corner and whisper “don’t mind us”.

#2 Off Constantly (-11) vs. #20 Three Livers:  Pearl is a great captain, and I don’t presume to know her team like she does, but I have a suggestion.  Buy shots for OC.  Then when you offer them a second round, and they think you’re just trying to get them drunk to help you win, offer to drink with them.  Play to your strengths.  OC almost went crazy last week not being able to play, and they will come out a little too strung out.  If you execute this plan well, I might adjust this line.  Also, can I have some M&M’s?

#10 Incredibowls (-1) vs. #14 C.B. O’Nutz:  These are two teams that will be popular dark horse picks come tourney time.  When you’re placing that bet in late March, you may want to look back and see how this one turned out to figure out which horse to ride.  I think it’s a tossup, but I prefer the Incredibowls’ unis.

Lane Assignments:

1 Three Fingered Willies 2 Binga’s Ringas

3 ICBING  4  UREA!

5 Livin on A Spare 6 The Who?

7 Pinups  8 Roll Another

9 CB ONutz 10 Incredibowls

11 Strikes of Hazzard 12 Madbotts

13 Gutterballs 14 Dirty Half Dozen

15 Saucy Posse 16 BEER

17 Three Livers 18 Off Constantly

19 Huevos Rancheros 20 TDYOB

21 Urban Achievers 22 No Pins Intended

23 Great Lost Spares 24 Lesbowlians

25 Bowlderdash 26 Splits Happen

So, this is a tough stretch timewise right now, so I am going with another digest format.  I have two writeups, submitted by captains in those games.  For next week, I’m looking for a volunteer from each game to do those writeups.  We’ll call it “Voice of the People” week.  For now, two guest recaps and a digest.

The Who? showed up in their flashy skirts and dancing shoes and TDYOB showed up having lost a tough one the prior week to their arch-rival, reminding themselves that there are a bevy of similarities between Bowl Portland and Portland Ultimate (mainly games are played to 15).  The 15-0 victory is a tad misleading as Rinni and the Ruckus brought it for The Who? in game one just narrowly being defeated by Dr. Thunder and Roy Munson.  In the pivotal game 2 the good Dr. stepped outside for a safety meeting and “tips on rolling” session with Luke and Uncle Jesse from Strikes and Barry from Huevos.  Uncle Jesse admitted he didn’t know if his ball was a hooker or a straight ball.  Roy Munson cashed in his Trojan Condom money and retired his rubber hand to his trophy case next to his grade school hockey and soccer trophies.   With Roy-boy’s new hand he went large with a 182, out-dueling Felty, leader for The Who? at 146.  By game three, The Who? and TDYOB were involved in a dance off and drinking contest, with GVO and Ichy coming out on top.  Meanwhile, the Borkers closed out the 15-0 win.  Before the game Dr. Thunder asked The Who? if they were excited that their namesakes were playing the half-time show at the Super Bowl to which they responded, “We didn’t know that, we are not football fans, the name actually was decided on like ‘who just beat us’ but that isn’t really working out for us.”  That said, as a new squad to the league they are getting better every week and certainly are one of the most enjoyable squads in the league to roll against.  As for TDYOB, they were excited to jump ahead of their frisbee rivals Strikes and ICBING in the standings with the 15-0 win, but they sense that the tough part of their schedule is coming up, starting next week with the Eggman; like the Stranger says, “Sometimes you eat the bar and well sometimes the bar eats you.”

Incredibowls 10 Three Fingered Willies 5 - Submitted by Dirk McLucky

The 3FW were short-handed tonight with the loss of Schizo to the DL for the season, P-Dubs at home taking care of Schizo, Foxy McLucky at 35,000 feet somewhere between Denver and Boston, and Sweets McCoy visiting the family down in Nawth Caholihna.  With 4 Willies out, I had to go to the bullpen and bring in the righty.  Emergency sub Jailbait came in and performed admirably under pressure.  Alas, we were no match for Incredibowls who swept us in the first 2 games to sprint out to an impressive 10-0 lead with their Game 2 featuring a 600+ team score and Boston’s first ever 200+ game.  In Game 3 however, the Willies dug deep, vowed to avoid the shut-out in honor of our fallen comrade, and rallied for a 5-0 win.  We lost the match, but we were a good bet for the savvy gamblers who took 3FW and the points.

Weekly Digest

We’re starting to get some stratification in season 3.  Noone is surprised to see Binga’s at the top, and Off Constantly nipping at their heels.  There’s no question they are the two title favorites, and everyone else is looking to be a distant 3rd.  That said, if everything broke right on playoff night, there are a few teams that could somehow sneak through.  Look no further than Binga’s 9.5 - 5.5 chugging of B.E.E.R.  Nothing was going right for Binga’s, other than the normal Jerk outings.  Facing a 5-5 tie against an excited challenger, however, Binga’s was rescued by a magical performance from newcomer Chernobyl Lane.  After her opening game 109, Lane rolled a nuclear 191 to lead the team.  If she had rolled a 109 again, BEER would have won.  I pity Binga’s next opponent, as they will likely get a more focused Champ.  The Urban Achievers had one shot earlier this year and got the OC brushoff, but they continue to steamroll the rest of the league looking for another crack at the top.  Tuesday Urban Achievers tore apart Splits Happen 13-2, which actually was a slight moral victory for Izzy.  They were 13 point underdogs.  People who had gathered to watch rookie sensation La Gatita were disappointed by her absence.  She has become quite the draw.  Strikes of Hazzard smoked ICBING 9-6 in a safety match.  The Duke boys are continuing to prove that one game can change everything.  The Strikes were an afterthought before Uncle Jesse smacked his 258.  Now they are five steps ahead of John Law.  This week they even welcomed back a motivated Mabel Tillingham, who stole the show.  Let’s hope it’s not just a guest episode.  ICBING rebounded late, when Fabio and Sweet ‘n Creamy both broke through the 200 barrier, but were left dazed and confused as another team passed them in the rankings.  You know who really looked good?  The Gutterballs pounded Pud’s 13-2 in impressive fashion.  They got some big scores from Daddy TL and Rusty Nail, and some great vibes from Hildo.  Pud’s bit the Bullett, who found it a surprising turn-on.  Maybe that’s why Dink went home without his shirt.  Huevos laid a 13-2 loss on Bowlderdash.  Bubbles buried the pins, but Barry’s bubble burst (though he’s still in the top 5.)  Next week we unleash the Muskrat on your helpless selves, and trust me, you will buy what he’s selling.  As for Bowlderdash, they are one of the last teams to get a week off, and may be showing the wear and tear of nonstop bowling (though they continue to look stunning in their sage/off white Keglers, form fitted and sweat wicking).  Young and the Bowled had an 11-4 coming of age against Happy Hands.  Happy Hands tried to go NC-17, and have been ‘practicing’, I’ve seen it personally.  Jules Calderwood broke into the Top 20…Jules, it’s time for your closeup!  (Jasper knew this would happen when you guys got into this line of business, so he’s got nothing to complain about).  The Young’uns aren’t as innocent as you’d expect, and had some oats of their own to sew.  The big win gave the YB’s a funky good time, and a one point lead over the OC boys in the division.  Interesting, no?  The Sweet Rolls licked the Wrecking Balls 12-3, staying close enough to first to taste it.  The dynamic duo of Frenchie and Hot Tamale, or “The French Tamale“,  led the way, and the Rolls keep rising.  The Wrecking Balls have crashed hard into last place, and are having a hard time getting the momentum going the other way.  They did play shorthanded, and showed improvement, but they’ll have to dig their way out of this hole one shovel full at a time.  The Dirty Half Dozen cleaned up 8.5 to 6.5 over C.B. O’Nutz.  Nothing is coming easy this year for the two time runners up, but a determined Pirate at the tiller has kept them on a steady course.  Riggs has come back closer to form, maybe because Baby Riggs said her first word, and it was “strike”.  That’s tough to mouth, and an impressive baby.  She’ll be tough to catch in the inaugural “BowlPortland Baby of the Year” award category. The Nutz are just hanging around in the middle of things, but have yet to explode on the scene.  Team Owner Deez Nutz is contemplating more tamari.  Livin’ on a Spare plastered UREA! 14 -1 down on the end of the alley.  The game was really the uplifting story about a bowler who overcame great hardships, and Precious completed the script with a 213 to lead the way.  UREA! is stuck with their top dog T-$ rolling lefty.  They have had the same four people for every game, so are gaining a certain cohesion, but this time they were punching a little over their weight class.  The Pinups squeaked one out over the Saucy Posse, 8-7.  Kaiser Awesome is stepping up big and trying to make fans forget about the Oft-Injured Chunk.  Big Ern led his team to the bar for an exciting celebration of shots and standing over the heater grate. SauPo continues to tantalize but ultimately disappoint, much like that cigarette that thankfully Walter has continued to avoid.  Finally, No Pins Intended shutout the Lesbowlians 15-0, but the Lesbowlians held their own at the postgame hosted by their opponents.  Tilt-A-Whirl edged up to 3rd in the standing, and Wut What apparently knows “you want [him]“, and also that “[he] wants you.”

1 Livin on a Spare 2 UREA!

3 Gutterballs 4 Pud’s Taxi

5 TDYOB 6 The Who?

7 No Pins Intended 8 Lesbowlians

9 Incredibowls 10 Three Fingered Willies

11 CB O’Nutz  12 Dirty Half Dozen

13 Happy Hands 14 Young and the Bowled

15 Binga’s Ringas 16 BEER

17 Huevos Rancheros 18 Bowlderdash

19 Saucy Posse 20 Pinups

21 Wrecking Balls  22 Sweet Rolls

23 ICBING  24 Strikes of Hazzard

25 Splits Happen  26 Urban Achievers

Postgame tomorrow at SNUG.  I will be there tonight making sure they have beer.

Looks like a lot of potential mismatches this week…so come to the Snug to celebrate your huge win or drown your sorrows

Game of the Week:

#6 Dirty Half Dozen (-2) vs. # 12 C.B. O’Nutz: The Nutz started off roasting, but have cooled off.  Something about not killing enzymes.  They are trying to prove they can be a contender.  Dirty Half Dozen doesn’t have any big wins yet, and have had to sit around for two weeks stewing on a bad loss.  Tomorrow Rigg’s gets his shirt back - let’s see if it brings back his game.

The Rest of the Games:

TDYOB (-9) vs The Who?: TDYOB held their own vs ICBING, and now have a struggling Who team coming up.  Ichtanzegern may be pivoting her team’s focus straight to dancing, again.

#9 Living on a Spare (-6) vs. UREA!: Livin was riding high before a couple big losses, and are now looking to stop the bleeding.  UREA! got their first win, but T-$ broke his wrist or something and has to bowl lefty.

#17 Strikes of Hazzard (-1) vs #10 ICBING: Upset alert!  I’ve become an Uncle Jesse believer.  His week 3 258 sparked a teamwide turnaround and the Strikes are now hotter ‘n a billy goat in a pepper patch.  ICBING may be sleepwalking a bit after last week’s emotionally charged TDYOB showdown.  If these teams manage to arrive at the lanes, should be a great game.

#5 Huevos Rancheros (-9) vs Bowlderdash: Michael Bowlton will have to unleash a showstopper to slow the Huevos.  The Barry-watch continues, with everyone waiting for the straight ball to hit a wall.  When’s Bubbles going to have a breakout game?

#3 Urban Achievers (-13) vs Splits Happen:  Uh-oh.  This could be a good learning experience for the expansion Splitters.  As for the Urban Achievers, crowds are gathering to watch the legend in the making La Gatita, who has a legitimate shot at the top 3 overall.

#15 No Pins Intended (-8) vs Lesbowlians: Ever since Oolie’s moonwalk, his mind has been freed.  Plus NPI is the host bar.  Wut What?  Tilt-A-Whirl will try to rally the Lesbowlians to an upset.  Under the radar storyline: Can Trixy get her ladies to the postgame?

#14 Gutterballs (-3) vs #20 Pud’s Taxi:  It will be interesting to see the Gutterballs’ reaction to losing, after their fast start had given them confidence. As for Pud’s, they’d think it was hilarious that they were ranked #20 if they knew that there were any rankings.  At least this game has the potential to be close.

#19 Sweet Rolls (-3) vs Wrecking Balls:  The Balls should have remained The Haze.  Or at least the Purple Balls.  They’ve struggled all season, though many of their losses were close.  The Sweet Rolls look to get back on the winning track after a tight loss to the Livers.

#8 Sauce Posse (-3) vs #13 Pinups:  Maybe this should have been the game of the week.  These teams are both coming off losses to the top two teams in the league, but are solid squads.  Big Ern is planning on surreptitiously waving packs of cigarettes under Walter’s nose before big shots.

#12 Incredibowls (-12) vs Three Fingered Willies:  The Incredibowls are coming off a shutout, and that kind of merciless bloodlust will come in handy as they play the team everyone is supporting right now in their time of need, the Willies.  The Willies lost Schizo to a season ending injury, and Dirk will have to keep team morale up.

#1 Binga’s (-11) vs #4 B.E.E.R.: Binga’s has nothing to worry about here.  Seriously guys, take it easy, you don’t need to worry about it.  Should be a cakewalk.

#7 Young and the Bowled (-9) vs Happy Hands:  The short-shorted ones look to continue their meteoric rise.  Happy Hands Productions is wondering how someone named Anya caboose didn’t end up on their team, or at least in one of their films.

Lat Week: 10-3

Overall: 39-13

This week will be a little different; I’ll just cover some of the highlights, lowlights and interesting tidbits and trends.  But first, until we get there, another reminder to help out my mom:

Below is a link to donate $5 to Clean Elections to support my mom, Libby Mitchell, in her race for Governor.  She is strongly pro-bowling.  Please help out if you can spare a fiver.

Clean Elections

At the bottom of the page, click the “Make a qualifying contribution to a candidate” button, follow through the pages and click on Elizabeth Mitchell at the end.  Thanks again.

On with Week 4:

I had predicted that the game between the Urban Achievers and Livin’ On A Spare would be the game of the week.  Well, I was wrong.  LOS is in a bit of a psychological slump, and Alley-Lujah needs to shake them out of it.  Maybe donning her jersey would rally the team spirit.  As for the Achievers, they have faced a murderers row opening schedule of Off Constantly, DHD and Livin’, and have come through with flying colors.  La Gatita had the high score for the week, and is in the overall top 5.  Not bad for ladies night.  The Urban Achievers, now with 100% more women!  The rest of the top teams took care of business.  Binga’s looks unstoppable right now, and the Jerk moved his average over 200.  The Pinups didn’t offer too much resistance in the 14-1 shellacking, let’s see if B.E.E.R. can next week.  Chunk’s on-again/off-again attendance may be affecting team chemistry. As for Off Constantly, they actually got a test from SauPo, falling behind in game one to Walter and Co. before rallying to a 10-5 win.  Then Walter realized he really needed a cigarette, and though he held strong in resisting the urge, it hurt his game.  OC could get upset in one of their non-Tron weeks.  Three Livers returned to form, knocking down the high-flying upstarts from Sweet Rolls 8-7.  They are back on the M&M wagon too, which means way more game night visits from Karl Hungus.  The other razor tight match was Chupacabra leading a worker’s revolt, and leading Roll Another to an 8-7 win over The Man…er, I mean The Dude.  The Wrecking Balls were knocked into last place in the ridiculously deep Human Nature Division.  Lou Dawg’s Young and the Bowled squad reveled in the oddsmakers going against them, and were perhaps Tuesday’s most impressive team, winning big over The Gutterballs despite the absence of Pistol Pete.  When did RR become a Top 10 bowler?  Nice work.  Lou Dawg followed it up by passing out drunk after an incredibly strong post-game performance, earning approval from last year’s captain Special K, making her much anticipated 2010 debut.  UREA! got their first franchise win, 11-4 over the Great Lost Spares.  The Spares were pretty excited to win the third game, though, and left on a high.  Speaking of high, ICBING and TDYOB had their big showdown, and just when it looked like Peanut Gutter would school his protege, Spooky led TDYOB back to salvage 6.5 points.  The Three Fingered Willies won 12.5 to 2.5 over the Madbotts.  Unfortunately, not joking here, Schizo was seriously injured this week and will not be back for the rest of the season.  BowlPortland’s thoughts are with her in her recovery.  Uncle Jesse may not have been a one hit wonder - he led his Hazzard boys to a big win over Izzy’s mob.  Xander did put up a 201 for the Splits Happeners, so all was not lost.  Hey, how ’bout them Bowlderdash?  They took advantage of the rest of their division being on a bye to take over first place, at least temporarily, putting down the Lesbowlians 11-4.  Finally, Barry’s straight but not narrow ball led the surging Huevos to a 12-3 victory over the Happy Hands, who then rushed off to work on their new film, “Surging Huevos”.

Postgame at Grace was amazing.  I believe there were four non-bowlers to accompany our crew of 25+.  DJ Baby Jay kept it real, Walter got pregnant, Lou Dawg mourned the Wildcats and hates the Cocks…what else?  My memory gets hazy.  I think BowlPortland may sponsor a single moustache in Roscoe’s March Moustache Madness ‘Stache Pag.  Grow ‘em if you got ‘em!  Anya Caboose showed off some phenomenal dance moves, and Red Hot Hands Ryan did the worm across the bar.  After Oolie starting running around with his shirt unbuttoned pouring tequila shots, everyone quietly filed out.  See you next week at The Snug!  Bring your party hat.

So, strong postgame showing, league.  So strong that writing recaps may be a little hampered, or delayed, or not happen.  Anyway, below are the scores.

Before that is a link to donate $5 to Clean Elections to support my mom, Libby Mitchell, in her race for Governor.  She is strongly pro-bowling.  Please help out if you can spare a fiver.

Clean Elections

At the bottom of the page, click the “Make a qualifying contribution to a candidate” button, follow through the pages and click on Elizabeth Mitchell at the end.  Thanks again.

Week 4 Scores

The 200+ Rollers:

La Gatita, Urban Achievers 223; Jamaican Jerk, Binga’s 214, 206; Buffalo Booth, Binga’s 208; Xander Rolle, Splits Happen 201

Binga’s 14 Pinups 1

Three Livers 8 Sweet Rolls 7

Roll Another 8 Wrecking Balls 7

Huevos Rancheros 12 Happy Hands Prod 3

UREA! 11 Great Lost Spares 4

Three Fingered Willies 12.5 Madbotts 2.5

Urban Achievers 12 Livin On a Spare 3

Off Constantly 10 Saucy Posse 5

ICBING 8.5 TDYOB 6.5

Bowlderdash 11 Lesbowlians 4

Incredibowls 15 The Who? 0

Young and the Bowled 10 Gutterballs 5

Strikes of Hazzard 14 Splits Happen 1

Tonight the league’s Top 2 women are battling, so it seemed appropriate to post the following link.

Kelly Kulick becomes first woman to win PBA Tour title - ESPN

Oh yes it’s ladies night, oh what a night!

Team pages are being updated.  Every team has one now, and I will work to get new photos up.  Send me any photos you want on your team page to  bowlportland@gmail.com

Also, I am changing my prediction in one game.  I now like the Gutterballs (-2) over Young and the Bowled on news that Pistol Pete is in jail for a firearms violation.

Lane 1: Three Livers    Lane 2: Sweet Rolls

Lane 3: Binga’s Ringas   Lane 4: Pinups

Lane 5: Bowlderdash  Lane 6: Lesbowlians

Lane 7: Splits Happen   Lane 8: Strikes of Hazzard

Lane 9: Gutterballs   Lane 10: Young and the Bowled

Lane 11: Saucy Posse   Lane 12: Off Constantly

Lane 13: Living on a Spare  Lane 14: Urban Achievers

Lane 15: Madbotts  Lane 16: Three Fingered Willies

Lane 17: The Who?  Lane 18: Incredibowls

Lane 19: UREA!  Lane 20:  Great Lost Spares

Lane 21:  TDYOB   Lane 22:  ICBING

Lane 23: Happy Hands Prod  Lane 24: Huevos Rancheros

Lane 25: Roll Another  Lane 26:  Wrecking Balls

First things first.  Postgame is at Grace this week.

Also, we welcome back DJ Baby Jay for week 4.

Game of the Week:

#3 Urban Achievers (-3) vs # 7 Living On a Spare: The Achievers have faced league powers OC and DHD already, and now play one of the league upstarts. Living On A Spare needs to keep their confidence after a surprise loss last week.  Natro has the potential to carry them but has to stay loose.  Two of the top women in the league have a showdown, with super-rookie La Gatita matching up with Coco.  In my mind the difference is the Achievers seem more even keeled, battling back from a 4-1 deficit last week.  Should be a great game.

The Rest:

#2 Off Constantly (-5) vs #6 Saucy Posse: OC is on a schedule roller coaster, from Binga’s to Madbotts to another top ten squad this week.  Tron has been one of the big surprises of ‘010, but he is also on an every other week schedule and may be gone.  If so, and if league #4 Walter can at least hang close with league #1 Oz (a big if), The Posse could keep it close for a while.  The rest of the Posse hasn’t been strong enough yet this year to really scare OC, though.

#1 Binga’s (-7) vs #13 Pinups: I have it at (-7), but I still think it could be interesting.  Of course, losing 11-4 to Binga’s isn’t a bad showing for most teams.  When the Oft-Injured Chunk shows up, the Pinup have two Top 10 rollers.  Granted, Binga’s is stacked, and deep, but if they take it a bit lightly, and the Kaiser can get things going…

#9 Young and the Bowled (-2) vs #10 Gutterballs: I really like this game.  Two teams that struggled as expansion teams are opening up their second seasons on fire.  Y&B had almost a total makeover, while the Gutterballs built from within.  Both teams are trying to establish themselves as top tier squads.  There’s not room for both of them in the top 10, and one will be gone next week, while the other one will feel like a real contender.

#16 Incredibowls (-11) vs The Who?: Last week the Incredibowls ran into a country-fried buzzsaw as Uncle Jesse had the game of a lifetime to help spring the upset.  This week should be a little more predictable.  The Who? are coming off a week of rest, and I expect them to look well-rested and gorgeous, but that won’t be enough to win the game.  (Three times in row, Boston!)

#14 ICBING (-3) vs #20 TDYOB:  This is a great rivalry, but also a friendly one.  Both captains are bringing their teams together for a pregame bash (that I expect to crash) before the game.  Peanut Gutter is not ready to move over for his protege yet, and is itching to knock TDYOB out of the top 20 after they lobbied so hard to get in.  Don’t be surprised to see the Dr. huck deep to the Sheriff out of habit, but Fabio should be able to handle that.

#5 Huevos Rancheros (-10) vs Happy Hands: These bye weeks are weird.  It becomes quite easy to forget about a strong team, like the Top 5 Eggmen, when they’ve been absent.  Out of sight, out of mind.  The Happy Hands have had a rough couple of weeks after a hot start.  Not sure they’ll be able to hang with Bubbles, but they’ll have fun trying.

Bowlderdash (-3) vs Lesbowlians:  This game has the potential to be an exciting one.  Both teams have shown big improvements over their first years.  Trixy should be back from vacay, a year wiser.  Bowlderdash hoping to recapture some of their week 2 magic.  I expect it to go down to the wire.

UREA! (-1) vs Great Lost Spares: Somebody’s gotta win!  These two teams have stumbled out of the gates with only two points each, but now get a chance to put some points on the board.  UREA! has been playing with a shorter roster, and I think they will pull this out to get their first franchise victory.

#18 Wrecking Balls (-1) vs #17 Roll Another: The annual showdown between The Dude and his employee Chupacabra carries more excitement this year, as they enter the game ranked next to each other and with team averages within 4 points of each other.  Eventually The Dude’s going to have a big game, I’m guessing in game one this week.

#19 Strikes of Hazzard (-2) vs Splits Happen:  Was last week just a one time fluke?  Uncle Jesse doesn’t think so.  This is the hardest game of the week to predict.  I do know I’ve been seeing a lot of Izzy Moxy at the lanes practicing. Her hardest job may be dividing up playing time.

Three Fingered Willies (-4) vs Madbotts: This may be the best chance for the ‘Botts to grab some points.  The Willies are a much improved team, but have wild swings.  They’ve also never faced a group with the distracting power of these women.

Sweet Rolls (-3) vs Three Livers:  I don’t really feel good about this pick, but the Sweet Rolls have certainly looked good so far.  Three Livers may be turning the corner after a slow start.  HANK!

Last Week: 7-6

Season: 29-10

TDYOB 9 Three Livers 6

There’s been a lot of confusion surrounding Dr. Thunder.  I am hoping he is a psychiatrist, because there is a serious multiple personalities thing going on.  Anyway, the “Real Dr. Thunder”, I think, made his debut, and TDYOB held on to an early lead for a 9-6 win.  Roy Munson led the way, and the Borkmen did just enough to win.  They did have a very rough second game, but The Sherriff explained it to me.  “In case you haven’t noticed - which you haven’t, ’cause from what I can tell, you don’t notice anything ever - we are not very functional when we’re high.”

Three Livers had other things on their mind besides winning.  They had been struggling to regain the from that led them to back-to-back party titles.  In an effort to recapture the glory, Pearl ordered the team to burn their new jerseys and wear throwbacks.  Looks successful.  Bernie was back, replacing the more reserved Lukass, and in typical Bernie fashion, had a great time, and rolled a 205 followed by an 87.  Danimal finally realized “there is a lot of hot ass at the lanes”, and Flo added “Dr Thunder is definitely not the only doctor around here, because like Prince said, I got a PhD in advanced body moving!”  Lost in the merriment, Wilma rolled a 170/179 to start her annual climb up the leaderboard. The road back to the party crown starts with one small drink.  Good luck, Livers.

Wrecking Balls 8.5 Bowlderdash* 6.5

*now with 50% more beard

After a scorching start with predictions (22-4), I stumbled this week to a 7-6 record.  While a blow to my prestige, it is a good thing for the league that it is not becoming too predictable.  Despite the rough week, however, I did say this : Wrecking Balls (-2) -  I think it will be a see-saw match, but Swing wins it in game three.  Well, I got one.  Swing rolled a 172 in game three to pull out the only point for the Balls, giving them the two point win.  Lefty also had a nice game for the Balls, and Clark and Ramona showed drastic improvement, but The Dude has yet to get it going. “Hey man, keep your eyes on the prize” was his thought on it, selflessly putting team achievements above his own game.

After Michael Bowlton’s big week 2, his reputation preceded him to the game.  After the Balls won game one, they noted “well, Michael Bowlton hasn’t shown up yet, and we hear he’s GOOD!”  He does have a beard.  BowlPortland neo-celebrity Carrie Okay picked up the team’s lone point in game 2, but was disappointed that her teammate Dombomb “high fives like a teacher”.  Well, I do have to say in his defense there are some really horribly awkward high fives going on league wide, including my own.  I think you just have to commit to the fist or chest bump and stick with it.  Taking home 6.5 points is still something as Bowlderdash keeps showing improvement.  They credit it to watching a lot of bowling on BET, being friends with Olympians, and the awesome inspiration of imagination.

Off Constantly 15 Madbotts 0

One of the more fun storylines of 2010 is the affect Madbotts have on their opponents.  This one I could see coming a mile away.  Like a strutting peacock, Off Constantly was motivated to play their best in an attempt to show their brilliance.  As Quints would say, Helllloooooo Ladies!  Oz’ 214 wasn’t unusual, but Tron’s throwing up a 244 was somewhat transparent.  He even tried to look magnanimous and praised his brother, saying “oh my god, Number One found his sweet stroke!”  Solidifying my case, the newly engaged Dick Liquor and the two women on the team did not have good nights by their standards.  Fascinating.

The Madbotts are not accumulating points nearly as fast as they are accumulating admirers, but they are actually getting higher scores every game.  “Bowling strikes in tights, baby!” shouted an exuberant CC Boom Boom after the game, entirely unfazed by the score.  “We’re about good times, good vibes, and most importantly, good looks” added the rapidly improving Trinity.  They also noted that while they don’t want to make any trades, they have made Flo from Three Livers an honorary “Fl0-Bott”.

Gutterballs 15 Great Lost Spares 0

Two shutouts in one week?  Crazy.  The Spares season without 2009 Captain of the Year continues to be a struggle.  On the bright side, the losses have yet to discourage them ,as they predict picking up “16/15 points next week”.  (I’m hoping they did not intend it as a fraction, because if so what I said about not being discouraged is obviously wrong.)  They left with a few fighting words seeping out from their smiling teeth: “Mess with the bear, get the the Great Lost Spares”.

The Gutterballs are pretty turned on by all this winning.  They came up with suggestive descriptions of all the winter sports they could think of, and kept referencing the moneyshot.  They added “the fluffer wanted to steal the bear”.  Probably better to just drop that one.  The G-Balls got big games from Big Ed, Big Lolo, and Big Rusty Nail.  The only thing going wrong for them now is that they just can’t find music to satisfy them, or a sound level to their liking.  They may all roll next week with iPods.

Sweet Rolls 13.5 Three Fingered Willies 1.5

I knew I shouldn’t have done it.  All that positive press scared the Pin Whisperer back into his hole, and after picking up an exciting win last week, the Willies were back to getting kicked around.  Captain Dirk McLucky even made a few walks to the line with P-Dubs, saying “Don’t think, Meat.  Just throw!”  Apparently Sweets McCoy listened in from the back row, and rolled a nice game, but in the end they had no team answers for the suddenly hot Sweet Rolls.  They may be left with just their fond daydreams of past curling glory.

Are the Sweet Rolls for real?  Their game 1 611 would indicate they just may be. It took a year for them to pick up their first team turkey (Hot Tamale Week 1), but only one week for Honey to grab their second one.  They did show a weakness lots of newly successful teams have, letting up on the gas in game 2.  While they picked up 3 and half points, they were a total of six pins from getting swept.  Still, that’s a building block for Frenchie and Sugar.  Hot Tamale was seen after the game holding his head in his hands and staring morosely at the floor, but it had nothing to do with the game.  “I had $1000 on the Madbotts to cover”, he sheepishly admitted.

No Pins Intended 9 Pud’s Taxi 6

If you haven’t had a chance to watch an NPI game yet, I highly recommend it.  Captain What Wut’s constant dancing, moving, bouncing from player to player, is something to behold.  One can only imagine how crazy it would get should someone play his favorite song, “I Know You Want Me”.  He’s even calling himself Mr. 305 now.  Then there’s Oolie’s preparations.  You can almost hear the gears turning in his brain as he adjusts his shoulders, hips and attitude before each roll.  Add in the fabulous Ram brothers, and it’s a regular carnival.  The sideshow gang had a nice win, getting 2, then 3 and finally 4 points to grab the victory over their very friendly rivals.

Pud’s don’t care.  They’re more moshers than swayers.  Their unique physicality has them all starting to follow the lead of team muse Bullett by ending up sitting down after they release the ball.  Makes for a better vantage pint I suppose, and you can’t fault a team for embracing the beauty of bowling.  Cuppy, noticing the admiring stares from T-Wrex, barked “If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it!” before marching back to his table and breaking into tears.  Very confusing stuff.  Sort of like Dink’s yearbook quote: “Moozy dangle dong poo poo rock dick…”  There’s a little more but I’ll leave you guessing.

Strikes of Hazzard 9 Incredibowls 6

When asked if he ever bet on bowling before Tuesday’s game, Uncle Jesse responded, “When we was makin’ corn whiskey, we paid taxes on the corn. Gamblin’s a vice. How you gonna tax vice?”  Apparently he got a little nervous thinking I was a Revenuer.  He then offered me Roscoe P. Coltrane in a trade.  Once he got a little shine in him and got his head back in the game, he set out on a visionquest to what would be his most glorious achievement in a storied career.  In Game 3, Uncle Jesse, a lifetime 130’s bowler, opened with an 8.  Then, seven straight strikes, each more exciting than the last.  After a frame 9 spare threatened to stop the magic, he closed out with another turkey, at which point pistols were shootin’ in the air all over lanes 3 and 4.  A joy-drunk Uncle jesse turned to his joyous teammates and confessed “I really like you guys, but I like one of you more than the others.”  He then pounded shine till he passed out on the floor.

He didn’t realize how unfortunate that was for him, as an anonymous bowler on Incredibowls was so taken by the performance she said “I wanna do Uncle Jesse.”  Maybe next time.  The Incredibowls had one down game, and it cost them the match, but they were so caught up in the moment that they weren’t the least bit upset.  “Besides”, added Red Hot Hands, “It’s like the Strikes of Hazzard just said.  Bowling is like making love.  You always think you’ll do better the next time.”

B.E.E.R. 11 Living on a Spare 4

As Karl Hungus stood on the precipice of opening a new bowling alley, and watched the development of our little league, he couldn’t help but notice the game passing him by.  He bought his cartoon ball (Complete Annihilation Revival?  WTF?), but still couldn’t break through.  Then he moved two boards to the left, and his life will never be the same.  Karl’s first 200+ in league play helped pace the B.E.E.R. in game one to a 5-0 lead, and they overcame big game 2s from Coco and Shithawk to pull out the 11-4 win.  Filthy, also rolling the Annihilator, was looking good too until his tenth frame strike was in the wrong lane.  Upon shifting to the correct lane, he also shifted to the gutter.  Twice.

Coco was the high scorer for the self-anointed LOS-ers.  They were so shaken by the game one loss, the ladies shed their uniforms.  The lack of clothing definitely seemed to boost their scores (along with their teammate/partners’ spirits).  They attributed the loss partially to Hungus, and partially to getting rusty over the bye week.

Urban Achievers 10 Dirty Half Dozen 5

Uh oh.  The Achievers are playing the nobody believed in us card again.  They roared back fro a 4-1 deficit to knock off Dirty Half Dozen in a rematch of last year’s semi-final, which went the other way.  An 1808 team series spoke for itself, so J. hammer refused to fill out the questionnaire.

DHD may have been a little preoccupied with the rumors that team management was trying to acquire Bernie in a trade.  (The deadline passed without any movement.)  The team came flying out of the gate, but by game three when Pirate, still rolling strong, turned to his side to say “who’s with me”, he was utterly alone.  Jeltz turned it off after one so he could see if his bet had paid off in the yak luge [sport motto: if there's anything better than risking your life on a sled while wearing a full body Trojan, it's risking your life on a sled wearing a full body Trojan covered in MUSK!]  And that was that.

Young and the Bowled 14 Lesbowlians 1

“Boomshakalaka!” bellowed Lou Dawg after his latest pin conquest.  “It’s all about the shorts, baby!’  The shorts, and new Y&B sensation Pistol Pete, who continues to regain his Wisco form.  The short-staffed Yung’uns rolled fast, like they had somewhere to be.  “Apres-bowl hot tub relay” acknowledged Anya Caboose.  This team is too mercurial to pin down for any more comprehensive answers at this point.
The Lesbowlians took to the fake maple without captain Trixy around.  Given that, her teammates noted the result wasn’t really a shocker.  They started looking past this game almost from the beginning, working on new celebratory moves for future weeks when things go better.  “Fist pump bitches, it’s all about the fist pump!” noted the Knocker Rocker.

Saucy Posse 14 UREA! 1

UREA! is another team that doesn’t like to address the media.  They did leave this prepared statement after Tuesday’s game.

Urea was first discovered in urine in 1773 by the French chemist Hilaire Rouelle.

In 1828, the German chemist Friedrich Wöhler obtained urea by treating silver isocyanate with ammonium chloride in a failed attempt to prepare ammonium cyanate:^[2]

AgNCO + NH₄Cl → (NH₂)₂CO + AgCl

This was the first time an organic compound was artificially synthesized from inorganic starting materials, without the involvement of living organisms. The results of this experiment implicitly discredited vitalism: the theory that the chemicals of living organisms are fundamentally different from inanimate matter. This insight was important for the development of organic chemistry. His discovery prompted Wöhler to write triumphantly to Berzelius: “I must tell you that I can make urea without the use of kidneys, either man or dog. Ammonium cyanate is urea.” For this discovery, Wöhler is considered by many the father of organic chemistry.

Saucy Posse never did like Organic Chemistry.  They were more focused on Phys Ed, specifically on bowling day.  The early training continues to pay off, as SauPo keeps piling up the points.  Despite their success, they made a trade offer for Wilma (which interestingly makes three 3 Livers players other teams would trade for, and no one from any other team.)

C.B. O’Nutz 10 Pinups 5

Two weeks straight the Nutz have left the lanes without comment.  Once after a big loss, this time after a win, so at least they’re consistent.  I did see that they pulled away after the game was tied at 5-5.  Other than that I just have the tortured cries of the Pinups to go on.

Silky Pete blew up with another 210 game, but the Pinups fell to 0-2 without Chunk.  No surprise.  Bulge temptingly had lots of crazy things to say, but most of them are more Smack Talk board material.  Big Ern simply huffed “You take bowling, I’ll take life!”

Roll Another 11 Happy Hands Prod 4

HHP’s Dandy Mountain continued the new trend of leaving shirts at the bowling alley, but broadened the practice to include leaving it behind after a loss.  Sasha Northfield, who was proud of her 154, just referred to the oversight as “nasty”.  Maybe.  Then they did some stuff as a team that I thought looked a little racy but they insisted it was just “luge practice”.

The Roll Anotherers rode the Package to a 5-0 lead and never looked back.  Chupacabra wryly stated “We may not be cunning linguists, but we’re master debators.”  He then looked around, stunned at the lack of laughter, and headed for the bar.